In 2012, an enterprising young Gizmodo blogger published the story of Shiva Ayyadurai, an MIT lecturer and renowned liar who pretends he invented email. Today, he adds another achievement to the resume, marrying Fran Drescher. Fran, you fucked up!

Looks like Fran Drescher chose the wrong time to take the plastic off the couch. Animal trainer, Dave Salmoni stopped by with his Kinkajou, which peed all over him. Fran of course, used this to try and get him naked.

Where did he go? Nobody knows. Also today: a fitting role for Al Pacino, a new enemy for Spider-Man, some bad Fran Drescher news, and an update about everyone's favorite two-namer, Kris Kristofferson.

Linguists say Queens' dialect has disappeared, seamlessly absorbed into the roiling pit of grotesque guttural utterances of New York at large. Fran Drescher begs to differ. No, seriously, that "melodious and mellifluous" quote is from her. [NYDN, Image: Getty]

Derek Jeter: planning on sexing Minka Kelly in all 62 rooms of St. Jetersburg. Sandra Bullock's new look: chola. Anna Wintour: apartment shopping for spawn. Diddy and Jay-Z: alone with caviar? Alec Baldwin: apocalyptic. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

Queens' very own Fran Drescher turns 52 today. Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard is turning 34. Jenna Elfman is 38. Monica Bellucci is turning 45. Phish's Trey Anastasio turns 45. Elie Wiesel, the Nobel-winning author and Holocaust survivor, is 81. PR veteran Bobby Zarem is turning 73. Money manager Marty Whitman turns 85. Hedge fund manager Israel Englander is 61. Actor Eric Stoltz is 48. Lacey Chabert (Party of Five, Mean Girls) is 27. And former professional tennis player, Martina Hingis, turns 29 today.

• Today's awkward cable moments: CNN reported this morning that the Coast Guard opened fire on a boat on the Potomoc. (Not true.) And the geniuses at MSNBC thought it would be a really neat idea to once again commemorate 9/11 by re-airing its coverage from the fateful morning. Thanks, guys.
• Fran Drescher is in discussions to host a Fox News show. No joke. [USN]
• President Obama sits down with Steve Kroft on Sunday's 60 Minutes. [CBS]
• A long list of media figures turned out for Dominick Dunne's memorial service yesterday at Church of Saint Vincent Ferrer on the UES. [NYT, WWD]
• Anna Wintour is "bigger than ever," at least according to Tina Brown. [TDB]
• Obits: Larry Gelbart, the man who developed the TV series MASH and co-wrote Tootsie, is dead at 81. And Frank Batten Sr., the man responsible for bringing the Weather Channel into the world, is dead at 82.
• As if Twitter wasn't inundated with enough self-promotion as it is, the company now says it plans to start accepting advertising. [Reuters]

• Gisele Bundchen's baby bump was retouched out of London Fog's fall ad campaign. But if you're absolutely dying to see it, the new issue of People seems to deliver. [WWD, Cut, F'gie]
• WWI influenced fashion. So did WWII. And Vietnam. So why is it that we're not seeing the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq reflected on the catwalk? [AP]
• What went down at the CFDA's "town hall" yesterday: Anna Wintour sort of proposed flouting anti-trust laws to boost the fashion industry, Diane von Furstenberg was sort of horrified by the idea, and then Anna informed the room that she has connections in the White House. [NYO]

My experience following celebrity Twitters has shown that it's usually an exercise in crushing disappointment, often leading one to loathe the celebrity Twitter-er with the intensity of a million white-hot suns, but this is endearing.

• The 2009 Pulitzer Prize winners were announced today. [Pulitzer.org]
• It's been six years since the release of The Da Vinci Code, but Knopf says Dan Brown's latest, The Lost Symbol, will hit stores in September. [AP]
• Hollywood agencies Endeavor and William Morris appear to have cemented a merger, although an official announcement is still forthcoming. [THR]
• With the radio business struggling, some commercial stations are now following the lead of public radio and asking for donations. [WSJ]
• 17 Again was No. 1 at the box office with a gross of $24.1 million. [THR]
• Fran Drescher says she's in talks to host a cable TV talk show. The program would cover politics, culture, and health issues, and she claims she's in discussions with MSNBC, PBS, and Oprah Winfrey's OWN. God help us. [USN]

The Savannah College of Art and Design held its Style Etoile Awards at the James Cohan Gallery on Monday night. The evening's honorees included Russell Simmons, Amanda Burden, Cornelia Guest, Robin Givhan, and William Ivey Long (left), and attendees at the event included Cynthia Rowley, Agnes Gund, Michael Fink, Yigal Azrouël, Mario Buatta, Bobby Zarem, music exec Michael Mauldin and his wife Judy, producer Tom Fontana, SCAD president Paula Wallace, Ann Slater, designer Lars Nilsson, and Russell's brother and girlfriend—Danny Simmons and Julie Henderson. [PMc, Wireimage, WWD, NYSD]

Cameron Diaz getting in a cab ... Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo walking out of a restaurant on Madison ... Alec Baldwin arriving at JFK ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her townhouse on Charles Street ... Katie Holmes standing on the set of The Extra Man in Chelsea ... Fran Drescher leaving the Empire Hotel ... Ed Westwick eating a candy bar on the Gossip Girl set ... and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt leaving The Little Mermaid on Broadway with their kids in tow.

♦ Mary-Kate Olsen was "acting very oddly" during her stay in Miami for Art Basel. After getting into a fight with Kirsten Dunst at a party at the Delano on Wednesday night, MK—who "looked like she had not brushed her hair in a week"—spent the weekend drinking, chain-smoking, and hanging out with boyfriend Nate Lowman, which means she's probably not pregnant. [P6, P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan went to a party for Milk without Samantha Ronson last week, where she was spotted nuzzling with Sean Penn. [Fox 411]
♦ Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is reportedly threatening to write a tell-all book about Winehouse unless she gives him $1.7 million in the divorce settlement. [NYP]

• Fran Drescher announced a run for Hillary Clinton's senate seat, on the basis of being "authentic and honest" and "getting a bill passed in Washington." Presumably having Anderson Cooper in the tank is a plus, too. Pray she's joking. [NYM]

Celebrating birthdays today: Veteran publicist Bobby Zarem (left) is 72. Legendary money manager Marty Whitman is 84. Hedge fund billionaire Israel Englander is 60. Elie Wiesel is 80. Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard is 33. Actress Lacey Chabert is 26. Fran Drescher is turning 51. Jenna Elfman is 37. Phish's Trey Anastasio is 44. And former tennis star Martina Hingis is 28 today.

How does the slowest industry news week of the year suddenly become a busy one at Defamer? Simple: Just add a Washington bureau! However, since we entered grueling negotiations last week to bring Victoria Jackson aboard as our full-time bureau chief and ideological consultant, we've fallen behind on a list of essential stories coming out of this week's Democratic National Convention. So for the sake of your political edification and our poor, congested inboxes, here's the latest worth knowing from Denver and beyond:· Hollywood East is open for business, reports Variety, with everyone from Jennifer Lopez to Kanye West to Cyndi Lauper enlisted to share in the platform platitudes. The bad news: Bono is skipping Denver, leaving a sanctimony vacuum from which organizers are attempting to shield guest speaker Fran Drescher — especially at this altitude. · Gamble for Democracy! In the best DNC synergy to date, Poker Players Alliance and the Paralyzed Veterans of America are co-hosting a charity tournament Tuesday at Coors Field. Ben Affleck will among the players; the winner gets a seat at the 2009 World Series of Poker. · "According to the Center For Responsive Politics, which follows political money, [Joe] Biden throughout his U.S. Senate career has raised only $390,298 from the TV/Movies/Music sector, including a mere $187,600 from entertainment industry donors in 2008 while he was running for President." More from Nikki Finke. · Access Hollywood kicked a note over the transom reporting that Jennifer Hudson will sing the national anthem before Obama's speech Thursday night. · Sheryl Crow performed at Red Rocks on Sunday, later telling Extra that while Barack Obama inspires her, "Celebrity has sort of become a derogatory term." Not on our watch, Sheryl! Anyway, tune in tonight, etc. etc. · Speaking of Extra, this just in about the show's Denver correspondent: "Carlos Diaz is reporting all week from Denver’s Democratic National Convention and is available for live shots." But enough about target practice! Zing! Ugh. Politics is hard! · Paul Colichman, the mogul (and Hillary Clinton supporter) behind Out, The Advocate, the Here network and other gay media monoliths, is outraged by Obama's professed aversion to gay marriage. "If we write checks to candidates who don't stand up for us, aren't we being self-destructive?" We don't know, Paul — Hillary didn't support gay marriage either, and you seem to have survived. Off you go! [Via Queerty]

Your mournful, desperate prayers have been answered. Big fat loudmouth Rosie O'Donnell is working on a sitcom with big Botoxed loudmouth (and Nanny) Fran Drescher. All that's been spilled about the show is that it's about three best friends. People on Rosie's blog seem quite excited about watching a half hour of shrieking every week, saying things like "omg... you and fran are going to be the new lucy and ethel! i am about to bust at the thought of it," [Disclosure: That was me.] In response to the news, Red Cross volunteers have begun handing out pistols and Barbara Kingsolver novels on street corners. [LAT]