Last night marked Howard Stern's debut as a judge on NBC's giddily lowbrow/despicable freak show, America's Got Talent (now in its seventh fucking season). He was introduced on the show with an ominous package that contained the phrase "shock jock" and footage of Stern saying that he was going to be like "Piers on steroids" (in reference to replacing Piers Morgan as AGT's Simon Cowell). However, he was more like Piers on a mild stimulant and some Splenda. Stern let down easy a woman who sang with a dozen of her pet birds clinging to her shirt, gushed about how great America is after seeing one of those glow-in-the-dark dance acts this show adores and then cuddled onstage with a dude who'd received a second chance after he botched his initial audition. Stern's leaps and bounds more articulate than just about anyone else who's flapping their gums on a televised competition and he often tempered his praise with sarcasm, but this is a much kinder and gentler Stern.

Welcome to the first installment of Worker's Comp, chronicling the paper cuts and perforated esophaguses of your fellow working man. Suggest interesting injuries by emailing maureen@gawker.com.

Lilly the five-legged puppy was born to be a star. But some misguided "dog lover" types are determined to see to it that she never achieves her Freak Show career dream! You monsters.

It's semiofficial! Roland Burris, hero, will be the new junior senator from Illinois.