Most people don’t have pensions to look forward to in retirement any more. But don’t be jealous of those who do—their pensions are seriously fucked.

Unfuck The Gulf: the charity that lets you buy a t-shirt, contribute to charity, and watch small children screaming "fuck" on video, all for a good cause. Well. It probably wasn't necessary to use children, technically. Fucking BP!

The sheriff in Nye County, Nevada decided that the county's district attorney was misusing public funds. So he had him arrested. But the DA declined to press charges against himself, and had the sheriff's deputy arrested. That's just the beginning.

After the government's jackbooted thugs decided that "light" cigarettes were illegal, terrified consumers mewled, "However shall we distinguish our favorite formerly 'light' brands?" Here's how: They'll all be conveniently color-coded. It's like this whole "ban" never happened, huzzah!

Burger King is selling sandwiches with blowjobs. Various female sex symbols orgasmically consume burgers in TV ads. What next? Hardee's asks you to "Name our Holes." Hardee's executives love to fuck biscuit dough.

As long as college kids remain edgy, there will be college sex magazines. And as long as there are a few olds with no sense of mockery, they will be scandalized by them. Still!

Unlike the Good Old Days, when the only thing you had to fear from an advertisement was a scary photo of a possessed-looking child, marketers in this modern era have given into the temptation to cuss motherfuckers out. The New York Times uses a surprising amount of non-cuss words to get to the bottom of the trend that is advertisers who purposely put bleeped-out words into their ads. Sometimes they're real cuss words; other times, they're mundane things like product names, bleeped out in an attempt to be clever. Fuck that. After the jump, the true balls-to-the-wall prototype of ads that bleep real cuss words: "Swear Jar," a famous viral Budweiser commercial in which I honestly think the guy in the meeting room says "We're gonna fuck some ass!" and "We're gonna suck some big cock!" Still, don't drink Budweiser.