Law enforcement officials in Ypsilanti Township, Michigan, say a 41-year-old man had apparently ripped off a sizable chunk of his own genitals with his bare hands while under the influence of magic mushrooms.

A Kansas City woman was arrested last night when police arrived at her home and found her husband shot in the genitals. One of two things must have happened, but both scenarios are pretty atrocious.

"Spa-lom Aleichem!" Yes, that is a real headline in 'Jewish Living,' the new magazine that's set to ameliorate the "shortage of information specifically for Jewish women in the popular homemaking magazines." This magazine sort of rules! From the front of the book section "kvell" alone, we learned: That Sandra Bernhard attends shul every Saturday ("It really provides me with a framework to get through the week") and that someone named "Poopa Dweck" has written a book called 'The Aromas Of Aleppo.' Later, in the "On the Menu" section, we discovered tips for "making it healthy without losing the tasty." And there's a whole feature about Jews with tattoos—rabbis still consider the real kind "desecration of the body," fyi, but there is a page of temporary tattoos included free with the magazine. That's right, you are only $4.99 and a newsstand away from having a tramp stamp that says "Shayna Maidel" ("pretty girl"). But that's not even the magazine's highlight!