What is it with kids these days? In my day, teenagers were all getting pregnant and it was a big crisis, very "punk rock." Nowadays kids are barely having babies at all. Have you kids completely given up?

Lady Gaga marks her dressing rooms with urine in surprising places. Jessica Simpson plans to give birth in 4-inch Yves Saint Laurent heels. Rihanna is horny and not getting laid enough. Nicki Minaj wants to use a vibrator in front of children. Friday gossip has needs.

Pity the Secret Service, a law enforcement agency positively stretched to its limits, what with all those mentally ill drifters from Idaho on missions from God trying to assassinate the president and whatnot. But no, that can wait, guys. Herman Cain needs some protection! (Incidentally, that's the same exclamation that began every National Restaurant Association job interview from 1997 to 1999.)

Thanksgiving, 1981. Natalie Wood spends the weekend on Splendour, the yacht she shared with husband Robert Wagner, docked at Catalina Island. With the couple is Christopher Walken, with whom she was shooting Brainstorm, a sci-fi film which would be her last.

Chickens-rights-championing nose-singer Morrissey was spotted today in Dallas getting his locks trimmed and sculpted into his trademark rockabilly 'do. (Morrissey was proudly touting allegiance to the Hitler Youth before anyone.) But unlike your typical barbershop patron who leaves the clippings on the floor, Morrissey requested a hair doggie-bag for the road:

Yelp, the hive of entitled creeps, "elite" monsters and extortionate salesmen, filed to IPO at up to $2 billion valuation, four times what Google once offered. If people keep occupying Wall Street forever, maybe this unprofitable company/monster will just die.

Remember when the Oscars had five Best Picture nominees and then they switched it to 10? Remember when they stopped that and now it's going to be like six or seven or nine or who the fuck knows? Well, they announced how they're going to figure out the nominees. Proceed only if you have a PhD in imaginary math.

Today marks the two-month anniversary of Occupy Wall Street. And it's been a pretty intense day as protesters swarmed lower Manhattan, the police have surrounded Zuccotti Park, and several hundred people were arrested, a number will likely keep growing as the "day of action" continues.

Heartache for cougars and admirers-of-cougars: Following a rumored marriage retreat at ex-husband Bruce Willis' vacation home, Demi Moore has announced she is divorcing cheating husband Ashton Kutcher.

Among potential boyfriends, Selena Gomez picked Justin Bieber. Among iPhone apps that turn pictures into postcards, the singer/actress picked "Postcards on the Run," joining a $750,000 investment round, she just announced. It appears her taste might have failed her, hard as that is to believe.

Last August, Abercrombie & Fitch, the Official Outfitter of 50-Year-Old Gays™, made a media splash by announcing that they would pay Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino not to wear their clothes. Now three months later comes — The Litigation! *Lifts T-shirt, flexes complaint.*

You know that increasingly popular old-timey hairdo for men where the sides are shorn short, but the top remains long and can be slicked back with brylcreem or sculpted into an ornate pomade wave? Joe Jonas has it, and so does the guy from Arcade Fire. David Lynch sports an extreme version.

All of those editors and stylists and celebrities looking to get another gander at the Marc Jacobs spring/summer 2012 collection (which showed this September at New York Fashion Week) are out of luck. It appears all the samples in the collection have been stolen!

The New Yorker's Malcolm Gladwell just wrapped up a three-city tour shilling for Bank of America and delivering "actionable advice" to its customers.

Jennifer and Heidi cry it out over a glass of wine. Amy Adams discusses her muffin top. Cameron Diaz is banging Diddy again. Timberlake busts Gosling's fauxhemian pose. Wednesday gossip is glad we had this talk.

News from the front in Facebook's battle against the porn-and-gore spam that hit the site early this week. Facebook says it's triumphing over the Justin Bieber smut and animal snuff pics.

Today San Francisco's public art commission will decide whether to rescind the city's contracts with artist Tom Otterness, who in 1977 shot and killed a shelter dog "for art," then stopped shooting dogs and became a world-famous sculptor. Even though he only shot a poor, defenseless dog that one time, many San Franciscans don't want to fund his work.

Lady Marmalade, The Soul of Philadelphia, the one, the only, Miss Patti LaBelle: Get your kids the fuck away from her. That's the only reasonable takeaway, really, from a lawsuit filed against the singer by a family who lived in the same, Trump-owned tenement structure on the Upper West Side as LaBelle.

Occupy Wall Street has officially lost the legal battle to occupy Zuccotti Park. While the public is now permitted to re-enter the park, a judge ruled this afternoon that protesters won't be allowed to bring tents or tarps with them, or lie down in the park.

It's about time Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was recognized for his work in Chechnya, where Russian Federation troops killed as many as 5,000 civilians and 10,000 Chechen troops, as well as displaced a quarter-million refugees. Thankfully, the China International Peace Studies Center has stepped forward to bestow its prestigious Confucius Peace Prize on Putin for the "iron hand and toughness" he peacefully displayed in his invasion of Chechnya.