Halloween digs itself out of the chilly autumn ground for a few weeks each year, too weird and primal for governments or religions to claim. It is an ancient pagan harvest festival and a leering plastic skeleton in a front-yard cemetery of styrofoam tombstones. It is candy and liquor, sex and death, and the only "moral lesson" of Halloween is a sneering threat from a child in the night: Give me mine or you'll get yours, mister. It is the only honest American holiday.

Celebrities deal with all kinds of ghouls: fans, paparazzi, tabloid media (Hi!), D-Listers, agents, etc. But the spookiest? Stalkers. Certifiable crazies who can't get enough of you. Literally. Everyone's got one lately: JT, Ryan Seacrest, Miley Cyrus, and...Bret Easton Ellis?