Rick Perry, a doofus, became the first Republican presidential candidate to drop out of the 2016 race on Friday. After failing to raise enough money to pay his campaign staffers, and faced with the prospect of spending his second nationally televised debate at the equivalent of kids’ table, the former governor of Texas had little choice but to bow out.

Bono, a cosmic warrior sent from the future to save us from rock songs that don't have the word "yeah" in them, has a habit of wearing really doofy-looking glasses. It turns out he wears them because of a disease. Who's the asshole now?

On Thursday, Khloe Kardashian presented the Internet with an insane photograph of herself and her sisters, Kourtney and Kim, modeling Sears' new line of Kardashian-inspired eyewear on her official blog. In so doing, she revealed to the world that the Kardashians have no idea how to conduct themselves as normal humans while simultaneously wearing eyeglasses. This brief analysis attempts to determine how it all went so wrong.

Are you one of millions of Americans who looks down with pride at the powerful stream of colorless, translucent fluid flowing out of your body every time your empty your bladder? Who takes great personal satisfaction in knowing you've downed enough bottled water in a single day to satisfy the hydration needs of your average circus elephant? Well, a new study suggests you might be wasting your time.

Forget those insufferable shades. Inventors Post and Vogel have discovered a new way to view the third dimension. Simply attach blue teeth to your head, promptly lose control of your facial muscles, and commence to blinking back and forth repeatedly.

In London promoting his new novel Freedom, Jodi Picoult's favorite author had his trademark spectacles stolen by party crashers, who left behind a $100,000 ransom note. They were apprehended soon after by a HarperCollins staffer who "gave chase."

We love a man in attractive eyewear, so we were very excited when Anderson Cooper announced on Live with Regis and Kelly this morning that he needs glasses. But the two choices he showed off were horrible.

In 1993, someone thought people "would enjoy having a desirable flavor imparted to them when they chew or suck upon the ends of the temple arms of their eyeglasses." He patented the flavored eyeglasses boot!

Last night, one of the many atrocities committed at the Grammys was a poorly conceived Michael Jackson 3-D video. Nothing says "the future" like 3-D. The only problem is we're not quite ready for it on this level.

This young man had glasses tattooed on his face. Why? That's what cowards ask.

Just as we predicted, the 2010 New Year's Eve party glasses are a hideous abomination designed for three-eyed aliens. This year is going to be a disaster. [Image via Nick McGlynn]

Sayonara New Year's Eve novelties! 2009 is your last chance to wear googly double-zero glasses for another millennium. The 2010 version (see below) just won't be the same, and the original inventors are quitting the business.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Hot TV doc Katherine Heigl struggled greatly as she attempted to flag down a valet, taxicab, party van or any other motorist in Los Angeles on Monday night. The Bug Buster star was anxious to get back home to catch the latest episode of The Hills since she forgot to record it and rocker hubby Joshua Kelley was off somewhere singing for his supper. After fifteen minutes of arm waving and jumping up and down, Heigl felt that her glasses may have been the problem. Heigl tossed her Tina Fey shades aside and began the quest for attention again. Sadly, the removal of the glasses did not improve Heigl’s chances. [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Mmother of two Britney Spears was spotted at Melrose vintage shop Wasteland to tweak her new look ever so slightly. Spears felt a set of glasses could help cash in on the Sarah Palin craze sweeping the nation. Much to Spears’ dismay, she couldn’t find a pair of glasses that convey the right blend of sass and conservatism. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.