Based on this video, it is safe to assume that Beck's parents not only deprived him of juice boxes, but also forced him to watch PBS 24/7. Watch him spill juice on himself and defame PBS simultaneously.

The vast Right Wing Conspiracy will convene in January, according to a personal invitation that infamous billionaire Charles Koch recently sent to his rich friends. There they will plot to stop the Obama agenda, perhaps with Glenn Beck giving instructions.

Have you ever wondered if there is anyone else in Glenn Beck's studio? Could his feminine alter-ego have eaten his camera crew? Those questions have often crossed our minds. Inside, some video evidence of Beck's crazy from today's show.

In your gobsmacked Wednesday media column: a shining golden possibility for hundreds of media jobs, Richard Johnson scoots from Page Six, Current TV has a Bold New Plan, and Glenn Beck lives.

Glenn Beck's going to be taking some time off next week to get some hospital tests done for "problems with feeling in his hands and feet." But he said the real problem could be "spiritual wounds." Wacky explanation video below!

No, Glenn Beck does not have the Ebola virus, but this must be a harbinger of the apocalypse. Once again, today's Glenn Beck Program featured our favorite hyperbolic hypochondriac saying something about blood, eyes, shooting, and things like "such as."

When you all are watching Glenn Beck's show everyday in the future, listen for a seemingly innocuous phrase: "The Constitution is hanging by a thread." Because Beck might be invoking a centuries-old prophecy about Mormons saving America from itself.

Did you know that Donald Duck is a Glenn Beck fan? At least, according to this video, edited from old Disney cartoons by artist/activist Jonathan McIntosh. Makes sense, right? He's angry, inarticulate, and white. (Mickey is probably a LaRouche supporter.)

So we finally read the long New York Times Magazine profile of babbling television person Glenn Beck. At this point, it's hard to remember what crazy shit about the guy we already knew. Here's a quick look at it.

Everyone wants to know... who had the bigger rally in DC, Glenn Beck or the socialists? The AP and The Washington Post both say Beck drew a bigger crowd to his "Restoring Honor" rally in August. Liberals lose again.

Glenn Beck has been lambasted for being a Goldline huckster. But for the fourth straight day in world markets, the price of gold has broken previous records, trading at $1,313.45 per ounce. A weaker dollar means a richer Beck!

On today's Glenn Beck Variety Hour, Beck explains that Barack Obama associating with socialists is the same as your children associating with drug addicts. Drug addicts? Doesn't he know children today only hang out with Anti-Free Market Marxists?

In your soggy Monday media column: the HuffPo unpaid writer revolt begins, the New Yorker's on the iPad, a CNN anchor admits he was molested, Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck are hated and loved, and John Koblin leaves the NYO.

Glenn Beck destroyed a perfectly good pie to explain why we shouldn't send any aid to Africa for genital hygiene programs. Does this mean Glenn Beck associates pie with bad genital hygiene?

Today we all laughed and cried at the primary victory of Crazy Christine O'Donnell, jerk-off queen of the First State. What are the normal Republicans going to do??? Well, hopefully learn an important lesson, if one commenter has their way.

In response to Michelle Obama's attempt to put healthier food in public schools, Glenn Beck accuses her of taking away Americans' rights. He explains obesity is a choice and we shouldn't be wasting resources by giving them healthcare.

[Last night, Professor Glenn Beck and famous person Sarah Palin exploited 9/11 in Alaska by charging people money to hear them talk about America and terrorists and things. Image via AP]

Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck are holding an event in Alaska on 9/11, to honor the innocents murdered nine years ago. Then again, they might not have enough time for "honoring," since they'll be so busy counting their blood money.

Thankfully, another loudmouth has thrown himself into the Not At Ground Zero Park51 Community Center mix: Ex-convict Bill Keller of Live Prayer. He hates Muslims, and even Glenn Beck! And he's trying to open a "9/11 Christian Center" in Manhattan.

Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin and frequently-sobbing Fox News host Glenn Beck are appearing together in "the largest venue in Anchorage," Alaska. On 9/11. OMG: Is Sarah Palin going to announce her presidential candidacy? (Probably not.)