For sale: Maspeth diner. Low rent, high breakfast/lunch traffic, full inventory included. "Increase earning potential by adding pork products such as ham." Seems like a steal to us! Only real risk is the angry wrath of vengeful G-d. [Rumproast]

Marion "Pat" Robertson is the founder of the Christian Coalition, host of the 700 Club, and the strongest man in the world. Also he theoretically might be still kind of an important figure among all the Jesus people? It's hard to tell these days! We need a lengthy Times magazine story to either scare the shit out of the sinning Manhattanites or ease their worries with soothing promises that the fundies have all decided they like Obama. Anyway! Today, this Robertson guy took a break from hoisting a bus stop aloft with one arm tied behind his back to endorse fellow occasionally terrifying self-parody Rudy Giuliani. This is the point at which Mitt Romney would shoot himself in the head—if he wasn't concerned it'd muss his hair.

Apparently Yahweh has forgiven Charles Kushner—real estate magnate, recently released felon, and Observer publisher Jared's father—for the whole "getting his brother-in-law a prostitute, filming their encounter, and sending the tape to his sister" blackmail thing. But, according to Charles, He has not forgiven his sister for ratting on Charles to the Feds. Or, in Charles' words: "For instigating a criminal investigation and being cheerleaders for the government and putting their brother in jail because of jealousy, hatred and spite." God did not return multiple phone calls and an email before press time.

Intellekshul Stanley Fish appraises the state of Biblical literature. "If God tortures, maims and murders people just to see how they will react—to see if they will not blame him, when in fact he is to blame—then this does not seem to me to be a God worthy of worship." [NYT]

The Wall Street Journal reports that Christopher Hitchens' God is Not Great is an unexpected best-seller.

[Jessica and Ashlee Simpson] will reap the dismal crops they are sowing. Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither and they will be left with nothing but a hollow shell.

Time's cover story is quirky and untimely. It asks the hard-charging question: "Does God Want You to Be Rich?" We won't give you the answer, but we can only hope that the nation's bosses read it.

When is the otherwise square New York Post pro-drug? When drugs are proven to enhance the conservative pro-God agenda. Thirty-six "hallucinogen-naive" adults were treated to a regimen of psilocybin pills, i.e. the psychoactive ingredient in certain mushrooms. The NYP capsules the study's results theologically, noting that despite potential side effects, shrooms "also can spark a religious experience that leaves users feeling kinder and happier"; regarding the 36 test subjects, "two-thirds judged it to be among their top-five experiences, equal to the birth of a first child." Of course, the NYP clipped the story from the Washington Post, whose hippie commies were even more excited, headlining their article, "Drug's Mystical Properties Confirmed." Magic is real, people!