Sure it could just be an accident, but I saw the 1994 winter Olympics.

Every year, Americans are treated to a long procession of assemblies in which Hollywood's most creative minds boldly suggest there is intrinsic entertainment value in watching people give prizes to themselves. On Sunday, we passed the first of these. And yet, for the 71st straight year, the most deserving martyrs of all—the actors pretending to be humans on our favorite reality shows—went uncanonized.

Last night at the Golden Globes, the legendary director and writer Woody Allen was presented with the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. Everyone applauded–except for Allen's former family. "[D]id they put the part where a woman publicly confirmed he molested her at age 7 before or after Annie Hall?" Allen's son Ronan Farrow wondered sarcastically.

Backstage at the Golden Globes, Jacqueline Bisset blamed her insane acceptance speech on not realizing that her category was up and thinking about her dinner. Then she said that she didn't remember what she said. Queen Bisset continues to crush.

The Golden Globes have come and gone, and this is all you need to catch up—the best, worst, and most awkward jokes, speeches, and moments from the 71st Golden Globe Awards.

According to E! News, Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's diagnosis is a fact that is fun.

The red carpet at tonight's Golden Globes is going to be extra hilarious. For us, that is, because we won't be trudging over the disgusting sewage-soaked rug soaked you see above. Somewhere an Academy Awards producer is shriveling his nose.

On the Late Show with David Letterman last night, smart-mouthed superstar Jennifer Lawrence explained her controversial acceptance speech for Best Actress - Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical for Silver Linings Playbook at Sunday's Golden Globes. "What does it say? I beat Meryl," is how she opened her speech, and she explained to Letterman that she was referencing the 1996 revenge comedy The First Wives Club. She didn't mention, though, that she was also referencing the truth, because she did, in fact, beat Meryl Streep, who was nominated for Hope Springs.

Like everybody else in Hollywood, Disney Channel alum Selena Gomez was trashed after Sunday's Golden Globes ceremony. Watch above as Justin Bieber's 20-year-old ex wobbles and slurs gushing praise for the show (which was great on weed, too, according to...uh...one of two of us who led Gawker's Liveblog of the ceremony). "It was a good moment for me," she says of Jennifer Lawrence winning Best Actress Musical/Comedy for Silver Linings Playbook. She clarifies, "I don't even know her, but I think she's so cool." Oh.

Last night, Hollywood had its first dress rehearsal of the awards season: the Golden Globes. As with most rehearsals, a lot of shit went wrong: audio cut out, teleprompters malfunctioned, and several women grabbed the microphone to scream crazy things into it; in another era they might have been burned as witches.

Last night, Jodie Foster, a famous actress who has been a famous actress for many decades, stood on stage at a glittery Hollywood awards show being broadcast around the world, and, in a lengthy, self-glorifying speech, in front of a crowd of the world's most famous people, asked for.... privacy. Is Jodie Foster clinically insane?

The best thing about the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is they'll nominate anyone just to get all the cool celebrities to come to their super-fun party, the Golden Globes. Plus, since it's not like a regular awards show, it's a cool awards show, they let you drink, as long as you do it in the house.

The best thing about Golden Globes night is that it provides dinner to a roomful of stars who otherwise could not afford to feed themselves. The celebs sit smushed elbow-to-elbow at round dinner tables and the International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton looks like an Olive Garden the ad sales department has rented out for its 2003 F-ad-bulous Employee Recognition Dinner. Also everyone gets wasted, which is great for .gifs.

Another promo for this year's Golden Globes has made its way to YouTube. This video features co-hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in the same glitzy dresses from their last one, answering questions about their expectations for this year's ceremony.

Golden Globes nominations were announced. Quvenzhané Wallis was snubbed. Go back to bed.

Living Pinterest board Zooey Deschanel loves the "spirit and intellect" of Prada, according to her stylist.

In an elaborate ceremony last night, fat rage-eater Harvey Weinstein was re-annointed the vengeful God of Hollywood from the stage of the Golden Globes by High Priestess Meryl Streep.

Of all the fashion don'ts in the world, the don't-iest of them all are those god awful toe shoe sneaker things that make your feet like like those of a cyborg ape. God, they are awful. Golden Globes nominee Shailene Woodley wore them on the red blue carpet last night. She should be shot.

Elton John had a sour puss on all night at the Golden Globes, but it got even worse when Madonna's shitty "Masterpiece" won for Best Original Song over some crappy ballad Elton wrote for Gnomeo and Juliet. Then his husband started talking shit about Madonna on Facebook.