Rudy Giuliani's son Andrew — the little scamp who mugged for cameras at his father's mayoral inauguration in 1994, then disappeared in anger after his parents' divorce — has been ejected from Duke's golf team for what his lawyers are calling "unfounded accusations" and a "bizarre Lord of the Flies scheme." Yes, you read that right, and it's good to know Andrew's counsel is as evocative as dad was as a federal prosecutor and prince of the city. While details are thin (Duke says it hasn't received a copy of the suit yet), Newsday hints at an intramural power struggle that's more Larry David than William Golding:

Tiger Woods has announced that he tore his ACL and will miss the rest of the golf season, so it's time to despair, toss your golf clubs in the water, and sell any investments you have in any company remotely connected with golf as fast as possible. TV networks that show golf tournaments and the companies that advertise on those broadcasts are doing exactly that right now, although with slow, undetectable movements, and with a broad smile on their face for the press. "Golf will be fine!" they'll say, with their stomachs sinking as they look at the numerical proof of the "Tiger Effect":

Geez Roger Clemens, do you mind if we go a single day without being bombarded by news of yet another one of your past trysts with a Southern blond woman somehow vaguely connected to pop culture? Monday we learned that scowling baseball great Clemens, self-proclaimed paragon of family virtue, cheated on his wife with a continuously intoxicated country music star. More girlfriends came out in the subsequent days. And now we're battered with the news that the rich pitcher may have had a romance with the ex-wife of a fat, drunk professional golfer [NYDN]. Is nothing sacred?

Las Vegas: where every imaginable tactic of sex-related extortion will eventually become a business plan. Are you a rich, lecherous man who enjoys escort services as well as golfing, and are frustrated at your inability to combine the two? Well wait no longer, because The Platinum Tees are here to take care of your leering needs. The PT's are essentially a bunch of models from an agency in Vegas, with one key difference: they have been "put through rigorous training" to learn how to be golf caddies. Yes, they "know the difference between a putter and wedge, take care of your ball, clean your clubs, drive your cart, fix divots, tend the pin, and most importantly keep you smiling!" I bet they do.

Mayor Bloomberg, overheard at a Brooklyn event yesterday: "If I played golf as well as I run the city, I'd be on the PGA tour."