Last time Christopher Swain swam the waters of Brooklyn’s Gowanus Canal, he didn’t contact gonorrhea. The second time’s the charm, though!

If you're spending Valentine's Day alone, here's something comforting: At least you won't catch a case of super gonorrhea. According to a CDC report, cephalsporins – the antibiotics used to treat gonorrhea — are becoming less and less effective. Cephalosporin-resistant gonorrhea is apparently already an issue in Spain, Japan, and France, and, if the current trend continues, could soon become a problem in the U.S.

The scary untreatable kind of gonorrhea is now cheerfully marching through North America. Hey, girl.

Remember when we told you late last year that gonorrhea, an STD that can cause infertility and death, is "possibly becoming untreatable"? Well, now the disease is closer to untreatable than it has been since doctors devised a way to treat it in the first place. We're down to just one antibiotic that can effectively fight the disease, and after that, uhh, umm—have we tried fire?

In case you were thinking about heading to Britain and having a ton of unprotected sex—don't! Because the United Kingdom's Health Protection Agency believes that its septic little archipelago is "heading to a point when [gonorrhea] is incurable unless new treatments can be found."

If there's one thing you do not mess with, in Russia, it's Vladimir Putin's image as an International Man of Sexiness. But that's what a group of anarchists in Siberia did by adding a picture of a sickly Putin, as well as President Dmitry Medvedev and several other politicians, to an ad about gonorrhea and other STDs that asks, "Do you need such companions?" This happened back in February but is still being investigated, which probably isn't a good sign for the alleged anarchists. Police arrested three men and conducted raids, where they found "extremist literature" and other anarchy-causing tools. If convicted, they could face seven years in a gulag for "hooliganism." If there is a bright side, at least they're already in Siberia.

According to the CDC, close to a quarter of strains of gonorrhea in America were resistant to penicillin and other commonly used antibiotics in 2009. In 2010, some strains were also resistant to all drugs doctors have to treat the clap. Will a great clap plague kill us all? Here's the New York Daily News' summary of the "catastrophic" possibilities:

The Great Alaskan Gonorrhea Outbreak is still burning, and the state now ranks ninth in the country. (via)

Hurrah! The rate of gonorrhea infection in the U.S. is at an all-time low.

Swingers have higher rates of sexually transmitted infection than prostitutes by almost two-to-one, according to a new study conducted in Dutch clinics. Scientists say older swingers are particularly gross. Uh, vulnerable. Particularly vulnerable. [Reuters]