When officials came to arrest 28-year-old Floridian Casey Molter for the thorough dismantling he'd just given his girlfriend's '97 Altima, he told them he'd done it because she was a "spiritual person" who could "tell a person about their dreams." Her latest vision, he added, was a little heavy on the dead grandma dildo sex.

Now before you get too upset, the 64-year-old grandmother in question used the garden hose to spray her 9-year-old grandson in the face, and not, well, wherever your mind just went with that headline. But she did it at full blast! And also beat his legs. And all he did was eat a generous portion of delicious, crispy bacon.

Your mom might be part of a Detroit pickpocketing ring, but that's small potatoes compared to what your grandma could be up to. A mother and child were held up at gunpoint outside a Target store in San Bernardino by a woman "who might be 80," wearing a "neutral-colored faded muumuu with a multi-colored scarf covering her face." After brandishing a "black handgun," she snatched the victim's purse and drove off in a car with a missing hubcap. The M.O. matches a similar robbery Tuesday outside a Wal-Mart and Monday outside a Kohl's. Sound like any kindly old ladies you might know? If anyone has any leads about the Muumuu Bandit, you're encouraged to notify the authorities immediately.

The most exciting part of the USC-UCLA matchup last weekend had nothing to do with the game itself, because it was all about this red sweatsuit-clad granny who got her freak on—repeatedly!—at a pre-game tailgate party. Watch inside.

Let's just hope this woman is actually old and not a warning for the aging effects of ectsasy. In all honesty, meemaw's got some mooooves.