Residents of a small street on the east side of Buffalo, NY say their neighborhood has gone downhill following a massive drug bust that snared a 58-year-old grandma kingpin who had family members slinging crack out of five different houses on Deshler Street.

Now before you get too upset, the 64-year-old grandmother in question used the garden hose to spray her 9-year-old grandson in the face, and not, well, wherever your mind just went with that headline. But she did it at full blast! And also beat his legs. And all he did was eat a generous portion of delicious, crispy bacon.

The most exciting part of the USC-UCLA matchup last weekend had nothing to do with the game itself, because it was all about this red sweatsuit-clad granny who got her freak on—repeatedly!—at a pre-game tailgate party. Watch inside.

Here is the heartwarming story of 72-year-old Pearl Carter, her lover and grandson Phil Bailey, and the $54,000 surrogate mother they have impregnated. Sorry, did I say heartwarming? I meant, oh my god get it out of my head.