Most reasonable people take the decline of spray-on deodorant as a mark of progress. Not so the Unilever Corporation, which has plans to revive spray-on deodorant as a popular item. If you must use this hissing, scented menace, at least do it with proper courtesy.

If you see a man sporting permanent stubble, it is appropriate to assume that he has character flaws that are very grave.

Intergroom, the annual international grooming convention and competition, took place this past weekend at the Meadowlands Convention Center in Secaucus, NJ. It was colorful. Here's a play-by-play from photographer Dustin Fenstermacher.

As John Edwards learned the hard way, the camera is always on. It was certainly on in the bowels of Fox News' dark tower last November as failed presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's icy wife-bot Callista prepared him for an interview with Bill O'Reilly. She brushed him like a horse, sprayed him like Cher, and locked down his hair with dead-eyed precision. Then O'Reilly said he looked like Justin Bieber. Burn.

Following the U.S. Army's establishment of a wuss workout program and, more broadly, the year-long erosion of American masculinity, it's little wonder that our nation's fighting forces are now more concerned with eyebrow grooming than with removing the digits of enemy soldiers to bring home as souvenirs. Is America's metrosexual Army going to be able to endure the harsh skin-drying effects of the Middle Eastern climate?

Say it with me, men: "I am proud of my eyebrows. There are many like them, but these eyebrows are mine. I pledge not to pay money to somebody in what is basically a salon (no matter what ridiculous name they may give it) to fuck with my eyebrows. If they get really out of control, well, that's what clippers are for."

Last week, we learned that sextastic clothing line American Apparel hires and fires employees based on photos, and we shared internal documents detailing their No Uglies Allowed policies. Today, we bring you AA Grooming Standards—male and female.

Florida governor Charlie Crist must wake up every morning and wonder what happened? He used to be the most popular man in Florida. Now he's telling Greta Von Susteren that his primary opponent gets his back waxed on your dime.

After much delay, the future has arrived. Everybody's buying lasers! And, everybody's hairless! If you guessed that these two things are related, you are probably an astute female consumer of laser hair removal services. But now that the world of science fiction is here, you don't have to sit around cold, impersonal cut-rate salons to have some young whippet blast the hair off your body with concentrated pulses of scalding light; you can do it in the comfort of your own home, with no training or safety at all! We can already anticipate the hilarious domestic violence battles that will end with a laser being drawn. Two consumer-targeted lasers, the Tria ($995) and the Silk'n ($800), are about to be launched [WSJ ($)]. Just one slight drawback: these lasers are sexist and racist!