Jack thought he was living every dork's dream. After sleeping outside of an Apple Store in Perth, Australia, he was the first to purchase an iPhone 6, landing him an unboxing interview on Today. The dream turned to nightmare, though, when poor old Jack pretty much immediately dropped that thing on the ground.

In what was either a conspiracy of tow truck companies, academic Maoists, and ACORN or a hilarious frat prank, 53 cars were towed from a University of Central Florida parking lot while their owners were enjoying a Glenn Beck show.

Last year, the city of Boston, which has not suffered a terrorist attack since the Revolutionary War, where the terrorists were the good guys, shut down in a panic after Time Warner's cartoon channel paid two stoners to place lite-brites around town. Bomb squads were called in to remove the cartoon character advertisements, train stations shut down, and traffic over the Charles River was halted. Boston, unembarrassed at causing a national panic over advertisements that had been in place for weeks in dozens of smarter cities without incident, promptly blew up a suspicious traffic counter installed by the DOT. And over the weekend, Boston's Logan Airport was shut down for 17 hours after a poodle escaped. Choochy the poodle got out of her kennel as she was being unloaded after a Saturday night flight. "About 15 state police, firefighters, operations personnel and even electricians chased Choochy late into the night," delaying "at least eight flights." They finally caught Choochy, laying on the tarmac, at 1 p.m. on Sunday, when Choochy got tired. Good work, Boston. Image: (c) Jana Kohl and Robert Sebree, www.ararebreedoflove.com, used with permission from (c) holder.

While watching the McCain speech last night, we suddenly noticed the big video screen background (which only looked cool when it was neat rippling water behind Rudy Giuliani) suddenly shifted to what looked like a greenscreen. Oh wow what a stupid and terrible fuckup, we thought. Because everyone remembers what happened last time! It turns out the fuckup was so, so much bigger and more hilarious: it was not a greeenscreen. It was a lawn in front of a mansion-looking building. Which was a middle school, called Walter Reed. Let's actually try to itemize the fuckups here:

Lorem ipsum dolor Huffington Post sit amet, blast email consectetuer adipiscing stupid liberals elit. Pellentesque nisi. Nulla eu citizen journalism velit vel felis vehicula molestie. Aliquam et UNSUBSCRIBE diam. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet Sklar, consectetuer adipiscing click to see full-size elit.

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year." — From the old but still wonderful BBC article entitled "Family of Faggot Fans Fly the Flag"

Fresh out of journalism school? Have experience writing, editing, and proofing business to business communications? Adept at Word, PowerPoint, Excel, Outlook, Adobe InCopy, Lexis-Nexis and other publishing applications? We just found you the best job ever on Craigslist! You can be a copy writer of marketing manuals for American University in Washington D.C. You'll be "responsible for writing, editing and proofreading a wide range of print and online materials including content for our web site, emails to students, and other marketing materials." Oh, and also—you will be a security guard. No joke! "The security guard spends most of the shift seated at the reception desk, and there will be very minimal security duties. Practically the entire shift you will be able to focus on writing copy – you'll just happen to be wearing a uniform." Sadly, you don't get a gun. [Craiglist via FishbowlDC via DCeiver]

Of all the people spotted by Page Six's army of loyal spies, readers, and publicists, they chose a photo of governor David Paterson to illustrate their "sightings." 'Cause he can't see! How delightfully witty! [NYP]

Reality show star and buttocks-haver Kim Kardashian was on The View this morning, prompting Barbara Walters, famous interviewer and the last Civil War widow, to ask the most important question of the modern age: "Why are you famous?" Then, later "But what do you do?" Kardashian sputtered out a response about knowing famous people and about her little fashions while stepfather Bruce Jenner (father of Brody, from The Hills! It's all connected!) sat idly by (and looked like plastic).