Marco Rubio, trying to be mean again, claimed at a campaign rally on Sunday that Donald Trump has small hands for how tall he is, and that “You know what they say about men with small hands—you can’t trust ‘em!”

For God knows what reason, you people don't like washing your hands. Maybe you don't feel you have 20 seconds to take away from your action packed day to devote to splashing around in a sink. Maybe you are a Dark Age peasant transported to our dimension through a wrinkle in time. Maybe you think there is something about your hands that makes them inherently cleaner than everyone else's. "Hey," you say, "I'm washing my hands right now!" "Hey," I say, "DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME."

Rick Santorum is still talking on national television. Tonight, during the Republican National Convention, he decided to talk about hands. But not just any hands. He talked about his father's hands, his daughter's hands. Poor hands. Weathered hands. Old hands. Young hands. But what about dude's hands that hold other dude's hands, Rick? What about those hands?

Californians are ready to claw someone's eyes out after a report from state's Department of Toxic Substances Control (DTSC) found that several nail polishes billing themselves as "toxic free," were, in fact, toxic times three: they contained formaldehyde, toluene and dibutyl phthalate (DBP), also known as the "toxic trio" of chemicals.

Let us take a break, now, from our daily diet of sarcasm and filth for a heartwarming tale: Nicholas Maxim, a boy born with arms that end at the elbow, won educational publisher Zaner-Bloser's annual National Handwriting Contest this year. A fifth grader at Readfield Elementary School in Readfield, Maine, he beat out 200,000 other grade schoolers for the quality of penmanship he produces by pinching a writing utensil between his arms.

Irish Dance Duo Up & Over It perform mesmerizing hand-dance to Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP's addictive "We No Speak Americano." Maybe it's the deer head or the lack of expression on their faces but there's something menacing about this.

It's hard enough to make forks and rolls look like dancing feet, but to dress your hands in full Michael Jackson garb and do a brilliant ambidextrous rendition of "Thriller" puts all other finger dancing to shame.

Last week we mulled an important question: does the popular Barack Obama cutout have white hands? Well now, because of some heroic reporting, a true change has been made.