Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. He is, more or less, dying. So we can rely on our own New York Post to relay that fact as efficiently as possible. They do, of course, call him a "brave icon," but there's really not a lot of love lost between the rabidly conservative Post and the grand old liberal Kennedy. Boston's tabloid, the Herald, goes with a show of support. The poor Daily News splits the difference.

Shit, I know this one. Paul! No, wait... Bhudda! [NYT]

Gas... is cheap! An economist on how expensive cigarettes make smokers happy! Ugly people: are they actually pretty? Plus: Chris Hitchens on how George W. Bush was a better president than Lincoln! Tomorrow: Are you hungry? No you're not! [Slate]

Fat people are eating all the food in the world, thus starving the skinny people, and also causing global warming, because they are so often chilly. It's true, we read it on BBC News. "The result [of hungry, hungry fatties] is that the poor struggle to afford food and greenhouse gas emissions rise," according to a study in The Lancet. Oh no! [BBC]

Well, the tour didn't work. Maybe we should put the homeless on display somewhere more fun? [NYT]

"Great tits cope well with warming" [BBC via YM]

For some reason, CBS called Indiana for Hillary Clinton at 8 p.m. or so last night, hours before anyone else dared. Katie Couric interrupted whatever nonsense they had on at the time and the CBS news website dutifully posted their story. They even got a Drudge link! So there's a lesson for you: better to be first than right. Maybe as a network without a cable news station CBS just decided to let their election coverage team go home early? Because everyone else had to stay up until 1 a.m., when the hanky panky in Lake County, Indiana finally ended and Clinton won her tiny, tiny victory. A tiny vicory that was immediately stomped upon by everyone from Drudge to Tim Russert. It's over, all the pundits said. You can go to bed! But America can't go to bed, because Hil's still staying up for that 3 a.m. call. The death march continues!

Do you ever feel like the headline of every CNN story should be "Middle-class Americans leading lives of quiet desperation"? Semi-related: "America's Wives Nagging, Clingy"

Yesterday, CNN introduced new headline t-shirts and we bemoaned their shamelessness. Then we shamelessly held a contest for the best fake ones! Betty Crocker wins (with an assist from Tnuc)! Simple. Effective. Also it may get you arrested. Unfortunately you can't actually buy these hacked shirts, nor can you even hack them anymore. Maybe we'll try to work out something else?

Game, set, match: Drudge. That's how you do quasi-sexist. Confusingly. [Drudge, Earlier]

CNN.com introduced a new feature today that allows you to buy t-shirts featuring some of their more outrageous headlines. Of course, even their most outrageous headlines are no match for the ones various bloggers and commenters are creating using their easily-hacked t-shirt store URLs. So let's have a contest! Knock up one that's funny—not purely offensive, please—and whichever one tickles our fancy the most wins a prize. If we're able too! Examples to get you started here and in the comments here. Enter in the comments below with a link and, if you can manage, an image of the shirt. Quick, before they fix it! The prize? We'll buy you the t-shirt you created! (If we can.) Standard contest rules apply.

Oh god we've been playing into their hands all this time. We rib CNN for their terrible tabloid-style headlines, but we had no idea how profoundly unembarrassed they are about their naked attempts at cheap traffic grabbing. Now, you see, you can click on a little icon next to selected CNN.com headlines and buy those headlines on a t-shirt. Seriously. The internet has caved in on itself! Only certain headlines merit the shirt treatment—so, like, the "weird fish" one, but not the "20 bodies found floating near Bahamas" one. It's still in Beta though! So you can quite easily mock up CNN headline t-shirts that say anything you like. Like the ones we've attached after the jump. Make your own!

Unlike certain grandfatherly former presidents, Matt Drudge hasn't yet forgotten the dark lessons of our shared childrens' book history. It starts with a hug, Jimmy—then Hamas will want a cookie. Soon you've handed over Israel to extremists, and then they'll just be thirsty for milk. American milk. [Drudge]

Remember when Hillary Clinton told that crazy lie about flying into Bosnia with Sinbad and evading sniper fire and killer robots or something, and it turned out she just stepped off a plane and heard a poem from a little girl? The New York Post finally tracked down that little girl, who is now 20. And they took a hilarious photo of her looking serious and holding up the poem. Headline: "FROM BAD TO VERSE FOR HILL." What does that even mean? The little girl was just confused by Senator Clinton's crazy story of snipers and werewolves so the Post found some random other Bosnians who were outraged, angered, and disappointed. Representative quotes:

Of course, Clinton surrogates are once again changing the goal-posts, suggesting that superdelegates make their decisions based on the wishes of both Earth and sister planet Mars. [Drudge]

Whatever your feelings toward the New York Post, the feisty tab sure does have a way with headlines. And, of course, Page Six has no problem boasting about it-or cross-promoting tasty corporate products. Harper Entertainment, which, like the Post, is owned by monolithic News Corp., is publishing Headless Body in Topless Bar, a celebration of some of the paper's greatest hits. Page Six's top picks after the jump.

"Love And The Gov: The Other Woman...And she's an employee of the state's Office of Intergovernmental Affairs—you can say that again!" It's a cover headline that only would have been good if they said it in self-mockery. But they didn't. Except unwittingly.

Earlier this morning we asked our commenters to top the day's tabloid newspaper headlines, which were all about embattled New York governor Eliot Spitzer (he's having hooker problems). We've gotten over one hundred submissions, and, in the interest of preserving democracy, have selected seven for you to vote on. We'll post the winner as its own front page headline on this here site and bestow glory and riches upon its author.* Poll is after the jump. Update: An eighth headline has been added.

Web news maestro Matt Drudge, a disaster-loving British tabloid editor in his heart, takes last night's unusual earthquake in England as another opportunity to flaunt his headline-writing skills. "Quake, Mate" isn't bad. Though, if Drudge is going to play with London slang, take this, Miami mockney: "England Throws A Wobbly". Your round, in the comments! (Best so far: "Briefly, Earthquake Causes Briton's Teeth to Appear Normal".)

Certified crazy man David Tarloff was arrested yesterday for the UES psychologist cleaver murder. According to the Post, the doctor he killed was not even his target. He planned to rob another doctor, then escape to Hawaii with his 73-year-old mother Beatrice, for whom he was toting a suitcase full of women's clothes and adult diapers. The Post offers the disappointingly straightforward headline: "Madman Nabbed; Crazy Patient 'Revenge' In Shrink Slay." That Saturday night headline-writing shift really needs more coffee. Can YOU do better? Alternative headlines in the comments, please.