Bill Clinton was rushed to the hospital earlier today after complaining of chest pains. He's at Columbia-Presbyterian, which is where he had a quadruple bypass operation in 2004. [Fox News, related]

Hollywood Life has a few things to say to Rachel Zoe:

Bernie Madoff is back in his cell after a nearly two-week stay in the prison hospital. He'll be ringing in 2010 in the dark, though: The Butner Federal Correctional Complex turns off the lights at 11pm. [AP]

Why was Bernie Madoff admitted to a prison hospital late last week? It isn't because he's dying of cancer. And it isn't because he was assaulted in prison, as ABC News reported this morning. (The story, which the local ABC affiliate has since revised twice, first suggested Madoff had suffered "facial fractures, broken ribs and a collapsed lung" in an incident "consistent with an assault." Then they said he fell off a bed and "a lot of facial bleeding" followed.) Now it turns out he was hospitalized for an altogether less dramatic reason: According to the Bureau of Prisons, it was "due to dizziness and high blood pressure." [WSJ, NYP]

Back in August, the Post reported that Bernie Madoff was dying of cancer. The Bureau of Prisons denied it, but the Journal reports today that Madoff was moved the prison medical center very recently. Could there be a connection? Or is he just experiencing side effects from all those Native American purification ceremonies he's been taking part in? [WSJ]

The reason so many Americans are overweight: It's because they spend 56 hours a week on average sitting on their fat asses, that's why. But what you may have assumed in the past was simply laziness is actually a certifiable medical condition. It's called "sitting disease" or "over-sitting," say health experts. Now we just need a kindly pharmaceutical company to develop a drug for it and we'll be all set, won't we? [NYDN]

Why is this country so fat and getting fatter by the day? Apparently one reason is that some Americans have yet to figure out that consuming a six-pound bucket of movie popcorn bathed in butter is not healthy. Weren't aware yourself? Make a note of it! [NYDN]

Former Mayor Ed Koch returned home Sunday after spending six weeks in the hospital, where he had a heart valve replaced and his gallbladder removed. And while his medical troubles have left him weak and looking a bit gaunt, he says he can now eat whatever he wants (Peking duck, ice cream), and is planning to return to his various media-related gigs (Bloomberg Radio, NY1) shortly. But it's especially nice that his tendency to speak his mind was not affected by his recent illnesses. On the subject of those elected officials in New Jersey who were implicated in that big corruption scandal last week: "I hope that those who are found guilty are hung by the thumb." Welcome home, Mr. Mayor. [NYDN]

Brooke Astor's son, Anthony Marshall, could just be under the weather. Or he could be hoping to delay the inevitable as his trial groans along. But for the third time in less than a month, Marshall called in sick today and said he had to visit his doctor's office instead of appear in court. Last time around, the 85-year-old explained his absence by saying he'd had an accident on his treadmill. And while his lawyer didn't disclose what today's ailment was, let's hope neither a a trapeze nor hang glider were involved, or else this trial has no chance of coming to a close before the end of 2009. [NYDN]

Ed Koch is having surgery today at Columbia-Presbyterian to replace a heart valve. Dr. Craig Smith, the same top doc who handled Bill Clinton's bypass a few years ago, will be performing the honors. (Smith is also NYC's hunkiest cardiac surgeon, a fact that probably didn't escape Koch's attention.) And while a valve replacement is a pretty uncomplicated procedure, the 84-year-old ex-mayor appears to be prepared for all the eventualities: "God will take me if he needs legal or political advice," he quipped to a reporter. [NY1, NYP]

Ed Koch is in the hospital and will undergo heart surgery over the next few days. It's nothing too serious: He's scheduled to have an aortic valve replaced and reports that he's in good spirits. The former mayor also says the food at Columbia-Presbyterian is pretty tasty, just in case you have a medical emergency in the near future and you want to factor that bit of info into the decision about which local hospital to go to. [NY1, NYP]

Yesterday, Glamour magazine reported that a staffer had contracted swine flu. This afternoon, NBC sent out a memo warning that a couple of employees at 30 Rockefeller Plaza had come down with the flu and while the network didn't indicate if it was of the swine variety, we don't believe company-wide emails usually get sent out every time a grip on the set of Saturday Night Live develops a slight cough. But it's not just swine flu that is making the rounds. The porn industry in Southern California is reeling from the news today that an unidentified actress has tested positive for HIV, the first case to hit the adult entertainment business since 2004. [NYO, LAT]

Do your fingers ever begin to feel numb after spending, oh, two or three hours talking on your cell phone non-stop? You may have a new medical condition! "Orthopedic specialists are reporting cases of "cell phone elbow," in which patients damage an essential nerve in their arm by bending their elbows too tightly for too long." Unfortunately for these same specialists, the cure is not particularly complicated (or give them an opportunity to bill your insurance company for thousands): "The advice is simple: Switch hands—before it gets worse." [CNN]

If Giorgio Armani hasn't been returning your calls lately, he has a perfectly valid excuse. It seems the designer is recovering from a bout with hepatitis. But he's "on the road to recovery," you'll be happy to hear, so he should get back to you shortly. [My Fashion Life]

Better hope some Mexican tourist doesn't cough on you while you're walking in Midtown this afternoon. Pharmacists report that that there's been a run on Tamiflu this week (along with face masks, hand sanitizers, and pretty much everything else you could possibly use to stop from getting the virus). And despite assurances from public health officials that large supplies of the drug are available, we hear from one doctor that pharmacies can't even place orders for the quantities of Tamiflu that they need to fulfill their customers' orders.

Columbia University psychology professor David Buckner appeared on Glenn Beck's show on Fox News this afternoon. Based on the clip above, we're guessing Beck probably won't be inviting him back again any time soon. At least not without a note from his doctor. [YouTube]

If you've been feeling in less than sparkling health lately, don't blame your diet of Hostess cupcakes and Marlboro Lights: It's work that shortens life expectancy, say experts. Jobs with high stress and low autonomy trigger cardiovascular disease, it turns out. But even unstressful and dull jobs are dangerous: "If you spend your working life in a job that's basically boring," warns one Dr. Doom, "you're at risk of dying sooner." If it's any consolation, the idle rich aren't immune to life-threatening conditions: Apparently, affluence "provides no protection from the ill effects of tobacco." And there we were thinking that inhaled carcinogens would know to behave themselves in the lungs of an expensively-dressed resident of the 10021!

As dismaying as it is when environmentalists' paranoid doom-mongering is shown to have some basis in reality, a new study has revealed that exposure to "perfluorinated chemicals" can cause fertility problems. PFCs are also found in various products including non-stick pans, face creams, shampoo, and nail polish. The obvious solution? Don't ever cook for yourself, seek out safer, more eco-friendly beauty products, and if that means boosting the income of Kate Hudson, well, we'll all just have to learn to live with that. [Bloomberg]

Jeremy Piven sat down with Diane Sawyer on the set of GMA this morning to clarify his recent bout with mercury poisoning and defend his decision to drop out of Speed-the-Plow. It's a little sad to see Piven spin around in increasingly desperate circles, alternately dropping in the names of the doctors he's consulted while also pointing out that he doesn't normally "do" Western medicine. But at least you can go back to eating spicy tuna rolls without fear. [ABC News]

As far as luxuries go, it's not exactly up there with designer clothes and vacations in the Caribbean, but now it seems that even vitamins that supposedly help fight off colds have fallen victim to recessionary scrimping. But that's a good thing, according to killjoy doctors who point out that once you've caught a cold, nothing's going to make much difference. Much better, they say, to focus on prevention, which means adopting a Howard Hughes-ish policy of not touching people and obsessively hand-washing: "When people cough, they cover their mouths with their hands. Then you shake hands with them." We also think that it's about time germ masks became socially acceptable street wear.