[Wonderful actress Helen Mirren in New York today, promoting her new book "In the Frame"; image via AP]

Perhaps to inject the otherwise snoozy Oscars tonight (no parties! Stewart again! predictable winners!) with some pizazz, the actresses on the carpet went with red dresses in all shades: Katherine Heigl, sans Josh as far as we could tell, wore a fire engine red one-strap number; Miley Cyrus proved she's still a girl, but not yet a woman, in a tight bright red dress to show off her underage, yet budding, figure; Helen Mirren proved once again that being a slightly more "mature" actress in no way means you can't look sexy. Take a look at all the ladies who took red and made it work:

· NBC drops out of the Television Critics Association winter press tour due to the writers strike, a move that will rob reporters of the chance to witness a retaliatory beatdown of Peacock perfect storm Ben Silverman by the network-running rivals he recently disparaged as "D-girls". [Variety]
· Entourage's Kevin Dillon joins Emma Roberts, Don Cheadle and Lisa Kudrow in hotly anticipated canine-housing drama Hotel for Dogs. [THR]
· Wistfully envisioning a time when writers and studios can once again skip down Hollywood Blvd hand-in-hand, New Line signs Neil LaBute to script a remake of The Woman Next Door once the strike is over. Helen Mirren's husband [Ed. note—HAAACKFORD!] to direct. [Variety]

Poppy, Anna, Alice, Oliver and Megan were the big winners at the Fido Awards, for their impressive performances as Queen Elizabeth's beloved Corgies in The Queen, eliciting these good wishes from their award-winning co-star, Dame Helen Mirren: "I know one should avoid acting with animals and children, but these little chaps were a pleasure to work with and deserve all the plaudits for their fine performances." [AP]

Queen Elizabeth II, fresh off her triumphant trip to her semi-retarded former colony, has invited her Academy-Award-winning portraitist (and occasional Defamer forbidden lust object) Helen Mirren to dine with her at Buckingham Palace. Reports spread quickly that Mirren turned the invitation down, for the rather unregal excuse that the actress was unable to escape the South Dakota shoot of the much-unanticipated next installment in the Bruckheimerian scavenger hunt series, National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Now, via a message tied to the leg of a carrier pigeon branded with the logo of a leading Hollywood P.R. firm, comes Mirren's own official explanation of the royal regrets:

We are disappointed anew by each firsthand report we receive from readers recounting their run-ins with celebrities they've caught performing the life-perpetuating acts of eating, drinking, or excreting, as we prefer to stubbornly maintain our belief that the Creator frees the famous from these messy, mortal routines, allowing them to be preserved in the pristine state of the exact moment in which He first chose them for eternal greatness. Imagine, then, the letdown we experienced upon reading about how one of this year's Oscar nominees carelessly allowed herself to be seen sullying her physical vessel on the one night that should be dedicated to upholding our possibly delusional ideas about her perfection:

· Helen Mirren, distressingly chaste during her Oscar acceptance speech, saved the sexytime talk for Oprah. Oh, to be one of her breast-cupping seraphim!
· You know what might have been the most exciting thing about these brain-smoothingly boring Oscars? This guy.
· Critics are sharply divided over whether Ellen DeGeneres was dull or unfunny.
· We always had it feeling that it would be Titanic director James Cameron who first presented us with physical evidence of the historical Jesus Christ. He never lets us down.
· Travolta's hair stylist sought inspiration in a somewhat unorthodox place, but one really can't argue with the stunning results.
· Breaking: Britney Spears might have a substance abuse problem.

· Please, we beg of you, don't watch the above piece of Mirrenporn with your speakers turned up if you work somewhere that's touchy about explicit lyrics.
· Lost film lost to airport X-ray damage. The Hanso Foundation is clearly behind this. Or, perhaps, the wily magic turtle in the top hat.
· The head of the Cartoon Network takes the fall for the Mooninite not-bomb incident. He really should've tried stonewalling with hair talk.
· Samples of the (disappointingly golden shower-free) Kim Kardashian sex tape have dribbled into the semicelebrity pornosphere.

With Oscar front-runners like Helen Mirren, Forrest Whitaker, Eddie Murphy, and Jennifer Hudson scooping up virtually every tacky statue on the awards circuit to this point, the NY Times laments that their inevitable Academy Awards acceptance speeches will probably be nothing but predictable, slightly refined versions of the ones they've already inflicted upon us multiple times. While the Times credits Mirren with professionally executing the classy sentiments honed on various auditorium stages and talk show couches, they seem to dread more of the same on Oscar night:

· Winner Forest Whitaker remembers the lean days fondly: "I could live on somebody's couch and live on ramen. My friends and my family were more concerned than I was." Particularly the friends and family on whose couches he was dripping ramen broth for months at a time. [Variety]
· Curl up with Tom O'Neil, whose post-SAG awards video blog post delivered from his bed was only slightly less disturbing than the Carpetbagger's post in which he lamented Dreamgirls' best picture snub while sitting on the toilet. [The Envelope]
· Jonathan Dayton, co-director of Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture winner Little Miss Sunshine, explains his theory of good comedy: "For humor to really work, 25 percent of the people can't really get it. If it's really funny, not everyone will be in on the joke." So if you didn't find the movie hilarious, you now know it's because you're part of the quarter of the population incapable of getting it. [The Carpetbagger]
· Transcripts of some notable acceptance speeches, including Alec Baldwin's win for 30 Rock, in which he makes special mention of focus puller Jonathan, who "shaves six or eight years off my close-ups." [SAG Awards]
· Moments after a cloud of green smoke had dissipated, nominee and amateur illusionist Will Smith wowed red carpet photographers by successfully transforming his flamingo date into spouse Jada Pinkett-Smitt. [The Envelope]
· Asked if there's a chance of a Little Miss Sequel, screenwriter Michael Arndt admitted he "has been thinking of things," but that he wasn't sure audiences would want to go along for the re-animating grandpa ride. [THR]

As if we didn't already have enough reasons to be fascinated by sexagenarian vixen-queen and soon-to-be Oscar winner Helen Mirren lately, an operative mails in this question:

In an attempt to provide Oscar voters with all the background information necessary to make a thoroughly informed decision on this year's Best Supporting Actress award, the British Sun has helpfully spotlighted the best of all five nominated thespians' previous nude work (link NSFW), performances that no doubt impacted this year's Academy-recognized contributions to their craft. While we'll admit that we're not exactly sure what it means when Penelope Cruz's nipples are compared to "a blind cobbler's thumbs" or when front-running sexagenarian monarch/vixen Helen Mirren's breasts are called a "poignant metaphor of a pair of Wombles' noses snuffling at a plate of truffles," we're sure that their peers will be able to find a way to integrate the tabloid's painstaking research into their upcoming deliberative endeavors.

Granted, Meryl Streep isn't a capital-D Dame and the second headline is actually in reference to the favorable gambling odds for a Helen Mirren win, but our point about this year's hottest awards season trend, which we spotted back at the Golden Globes, still holds: Everyone's horny for the mature ladies of Oscar. On this year's red carpet, nubile upstarts like Penelope Cruz will be virtually ignored while E!'s omnipresent cameras capture handsy pre-show inquisitor Isaac Mizrahi lavishing attention upon Mirren's ample, immodestly presented bosom, and as Ryan Seacrest unconvincingly delivers clumsy, scripted come-ons inquiring into Judi Dench's sexual availability.

· The cover of the new Los Angeles is really doing nothing but super-sizing our filthy Helen Mirren fry-dropping fantasies.

· "Lindsay Goes to Rehab" is already the prohibitive favorite to take home Defamer's Song of the Year prize.

· Fun quiz time: What clothing company sponsored this blog post on what Lohan was wearing right before she checked into rehab?

· Finally, an explanation on why Paris Hilton's eye does that thing. Not the totally vacant stare thing, the drooping thing.

· In last night's liveblog, the Horny Manatee is confronted with a fetish she can't satisfy.

At the risk of further stoking the fire of a sexagenarian lust unexpectedly ignited during Helen Mirren's two Golden Globes victories last night, we share with you the Reporter's account of the Double Queen's bawdy backstage remarks:

· The Oklahoma Film Critics Circle name United 93 last year's best film, Martin Scorsese best director, and Helen Mirren and Forest Whitaker best actress and actor. They stray from the pack with the addition of two unusual categories, "Obviously Worst Film," and "Not So Obviously Worst Film," which go to Basic Instinct 2 and Bobby, respectively. [Oklahomafilm]
· Utah Film Critics Association also award United 93 their best film prize, but opt to give Mexican director Alfonso Cuarón the best director nod for Children of Men. Best actor goes to Sacha Baron Cohen—the only category not to feature a runner-up, proving Cohen had unanimously astounded Utah's tastemaking elite with his Jew- and Gypsy-leery character's picaresque adventures. [Variety]
· The African-American Film Critics Association lavishes their love upon Dreamgirls, naming it best picture, Bill Condon best director, and giving best supporting acting awards to Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson. Forest Whitaker wins best actor, and in the "one of these things is not like the other" slot is Helen Mirren for her work in The Queen. [The Envelope]

· The Chicago Film Critics Association decide upon The Departed as this year's best picture, with Helen Mirren and Forest Whitaker taking top acting honors. Congratulations: Through the process of critical concensus repetition alone, you have now been brainwashed into believing those two actors will take home an Oscar. [THR]
· The Florida Film Critics Circle also honor The Departed, Mirren and Whitaker, while the Pauline Kael Breakout Award (sponsored by Clearasil) goes to Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls. [Variety]
· The AFI name their "Moments of Significance" for 2006, a sort of Oscars for Hollywood trends, we guess, recognizing such abstract concepts as "Clint Eastwood - A National Treasure," "The Documentary Speaks To The World," and "YouTube Redefines 'The Tube.'" Sadly, "End to Years-Long Battle for Armrest Dominance Over That Guy Sitting Next To You at the Movies" is one Moment of Significance that has yet to see the light of day. [The Envelope]

In our ongoing effort to bring you the best of year end movie lists and awards—no critics' circle too far or too small!—another round-up:
· Chargers fans also love Clint Eastwood, as Letters From Iwo Jima is awarded best picture and Eastwood best director from the San Diego Film Critics Society. And while Helen Mirren once again gets top actress honors (her certificate, suitable for framing, is in the mail), they then proceed to throw several curveballs in the other acting categories, including Lili Taylor as best supporting actress for Factotum, Ray Winstone as best supporting actor for The Proposition, and Ken Takakura as best actor for his work in Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles. From the title alone, that sounds to have been a lot more demanding a role than Mirren's, which mainly required her to sit around in a palace, sip tea, and act bitchy. [Variety]
· The Phoenix Film Critics Society Awards gave United 93 best picture, Mirren best actress, Forest Whitaker best actor, and Little Miss Sunshine best screenplay, proving stretching out Blind Melon's "No Rain" video into 100 minutes of indie movie quirk clichés was an idea whose time had come. [OscarWatch]
· indieWIRE's first annual Critics Poll—a descendant of the Village Voice poll— asked 107 North American film critics to assess the year's best, with a special eye to movies that may have been overlooked. Number One, and far ahead of the pack, is Cristi Puiu's The Death of Mr. Lazarescu. [IndieWire.com]
· The Onion A.V. Club gives their top honor to Alfonso Cuaron's Children of Men, with special mentions to the underrated Brick (#4), and Half Nelson (#6), which succeeds in its inner-city high school inspirational teacher story despite a lack of a Coolio song on the soundtrack. [AV Club]

Because it's never too late to start your Oscar pool prognosticating—especially with the all-important Canadian take to factor in—we offer another year-end awards season round-up:
· The Toronto Film Critics Association chooses to give its big prize to the woman who still appears on much of their local, bird-covered currency, The Queen, with Helen Mirren, Michael Sheen (who plays Tony Blair) and screenwriter Peter Morgan also getting nods. Just to show they aren't entirely Commonwealth monarchist snobs, Sacha Baron Cohen wins best actor for his teabagging-related work in Borat. [Variety]
· The Chicago Film Critics Association Awards announced their nominees, with Babel leading the pack at nine (including one for Brad Pitt, bringing us one step closer to those magic words, "Oscar Winner Mr. Angelina Jolie"), with The Departed and The Queen pulling in six apiece. Little Miss Sunshine and United 93 round out the best picture category. [Chicago Tribune]
· What would happen if Oscar campaigning took a cue from politics and went negative? Probably full-page Variety ads reading, "It's simple: You're either a racist who approves of gay cowboy marriage, or you think Crash was this year's Best Picture. The choice is yours." [The Envelope]