Prince William wrought untold suffering upon his island kingdom yesterday, angering the gods when he saved a drowning girl whom the Fates had chosen to die.

This two-minute video, taken by Utah State University videographer Chris Garff, provides more thrills, suspense, heroics, and stand-up-and-cheer elation than any movie Hollywood managed to fart out this summer. Watch in real time as a group of bystanders spots Brandon Wright beneath a car, his motorcycle in flames just inches a way. A half-dozen of them try to lift the 4,000 vehicle off of him, but it's too heavy. Then the crowd grows to a dozen, then larger still! Businessmen and businesswomen, construction workers, teenagers in backpacks, first responders, cops — they all just start appearing out of nowhere, and with all their might, they push, push, push! And the car budges! But it might explode at any moment! And then they drag Brandon out! It's absolutely amazing.

Given what we write about police sometimes, you might conclude that all officers ever do is beat up homeless men, drive drunk, and carelessly toss internal documents into Dumpsters. But cops do more than that, sometimes!

When Carlos Flores bravely leapt onto the 103rd St. tracks Sunday morning to pull a fallen old man to safety, he became at least the fifth official NYC Subway Hero in the past few years. But who's the most heroic?

· We bestow the Defamer Medal of Heroism upon Dr. Mark Lowe, who helped save the life of a man shot point blank in the middle of a crowded Colorado Blvd. in Old Town Pasadena last night, and whose clinical emphasis on the word "weed" we've now savored approximately two dozen times.
· For the love of God, we beg you not to click on this photo of Keith Richards Photoshopped to have two mouths where his eyes should be. Please! Don't! We beg of you!
· The LAT has a list about all the reasons they—gasp!—hate end-of-year lists.
· Well, whatever, LAT. We love lists. Particularly the AFI's annual Moments of Significance, which, uh...celebrate the significant moments of our lives? "The Hollywood writers strike, the iPhone and the 'hyper-tabloidization' of television news" top this year's list.
· Eddie Murphy is reportedly set to "wed any minute now in the South Pacific." That smashing sound is a hundred 4 a.m. Yukon Mining Co. patrons' hearts shattering.

Because we're all desperately in need of some stories of spiritual uplift this dismal holiday season, we offer you an eyewitness account from a highly placed Defamer operative of box office titan and "Hanukkah Song" troubadour Adam Sandler coming to the rescue of an injured woman in the parking lot of local skating rink:

On Memorial Day, Oscar-winner and Horatio Sanz's onetime gay-cruising partner Cuba Gooding Jr. had pulled up to Roscoe's House of Chicken n Waffles on Gower to pick up some deep-fried dinner for the family. What followed, reports Gatecrasher, was an astounding act of celebrity selflessness, as a quick-thinking Cuba leaped to the aid of a young gunshot victim: