What are Rudy Giuliani and several major Bush administration officials doing in Paris this week? Addressing a militant Iranian exile group that the U.S. government has designated a terrorist organization, of course.

According to CBS News, the government has identified a "credible" terrorist plot to poison restaurants and hotels by infecting buffets and salad bars with ricin and cyanide. To be completely safe, don't ever eat anything again. Especially salad. [CBS]

Rep. Peter King (R-NY) is planning to hold hearings on the "radicalization" of American Muslims when he takes over the chair of the Homeland Security Committee next year, the New York Times reports.

Every day, girl. Love in the afternoon every day. Well, five days a week at least. Also today: Dr. Drew continues to be employed, the always welcome Angela Bassett lands a role, and Jim Belushi is doing just fine.

Our national junk-touching nightmare is far from over! The freak-out over the Transportation Security Administration's nudie x-rays and "enhanced" patdowns continued over the weekend, thanks to even more heartwarming stories of airport security. So, who got groped this weekend?

Are you ready for a what will become the most enraging and omnipresent pseudoscandal of the next, say, year? Attorney General Eric Holder once acknowledged that we cannot be completely safe as long as we remain an open democracy.

[Michaele and Tareq Salahi testified before the House Homeland Security Committee in Washington today. They plead the fifth and refused to answer questions about crashing a White House state dinner in November. Image via Getty]

Maricopa County Sheriff and imprisoner of anyone Mexican-looking Joe Arpaio has had a political rival arrested on spurious charges and invited two publicity-starved DC Lewinsky-era GOP lawyers to Arizona to prosecute him.

Appointing a commission to examine the Department of Homeland Security's color-coded terrorism "alert" program: good! Letting Bush terror advisor Frances Townsend head that commission: argh.

No, 9/11 was not an inside job (but BUSH KNEW!), but inaugural Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge just wrote a bitchy tell-all, and he makes some crazy claims.

Canada, that den of thieves suspiciously crouching directly above us, is a hotbed of anti-American extremist violence. That is why the Department of Homeland Security is dismantling a pretty sign at a border crossing.

If you are not watching the heroic men and women keeping our borders safe in the dramatic ABC show Homeland Security, then realize that you are missing the single most asinine show on television.

Although not as hardcore as the British hacker that did his work over 56k, another hacker should be commended for his ability to hijack FEMA phone systems and make $12,000 worth of free phone calls this weekend. The Department of Homeland Security was apparently upgrading FEMA's voicemail system with outdated Private Branch Exchange (PBX) technology but failed to configure the security settings properly. The phreak was able to exploit a vulnerability and use Homeland Security's own phones to ring up countries like Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen. Which all proves that Michael Chertoff was right to fear the power hackers have over inept government bureaucracies. [AP] (Photo by gthills)

No suspicious activity required! Federal agents under the Department of Homeland Security may now seize the laptops of travelers coming into the United States from abroad. They're authorized to copy and decrypt the notebook's contents. The new DHS policies state that officers may "detain" laptops "for a reasonable period of time" to "review and analyze information." This may take place "absent individualized suspicion." Our nonindividualized suspicion: Sales of encrypted flash drives will soar. (Photo by AP/Mike Derer) [Washington Post]

Speaking to computer security experts attending the RSA Conference in San Francisco today, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff announced a "Manhattan Project"-level cybersecurity initiative by the feds, citing the 2007 attack on tiny Estonia.

Those wacky shoe-screening cards at the TSA started a blog! It's got a catchy name ("Evolution of Security"), a thriller trailer tagline ("Terrorist Evolve. Threats Evolve. Security Must Stay Ahead. You Play a Part." COMING THIS FALL.), and incredibly bitchy comments. Like "DHS and TSA are fundamentally broken. Disband both immediately and return our civil liberties." That's one of the mild ones! They deleted most of the not mild ones. Also it's hosted on Blogger. Some more entertaining of the remaining comments, below. [ThinkProgress, WP]

Today's spoooookiest Halloween story is about how a scary troll named Michael Chertoff called up our governor and made him back down from his plan to give driver's licenses to aliens. Because letting Hondurans drive to work will lead to a hundred more 9/11s! The Homeland Security chief bullied Gov. Spitzer into supporting a weird "tiered" license system in which illegal immigrants will have theirs printed with invisible ink on cocktail napkins with a big stamp that says "DO NOT LET ON AIRPLANES" while us citizens get the totally brand-new and fucking terrifying-sounding "Real IDs" that have microchips and spycams and GPS devices in them probably. So Spitzer kinda caved like three different ways here and now everyone is mad at him again! Except Chertoff, who promised to keep that Homeland Security money flowing into Albany.

Are we awful for laughing when the little girl demonstrates the bulletproof qualities of this backpack by crouching behind it? We know all your important organs are located in your torso, but still. Ouch, kneecap!