Do you remember the bloody battle between Dubya and Kerry? Phyllis Nefler does. So do the NYT's bitchy Weddings & Celebrations editors, who love a juicy broadsheet when they can make one. The battle royale continues. Also, look: meerkats!

Altarcations are birthing friendships from our loins. Wonder if Phyllis Nefler will help this week's NYT Weddings & Celebrations elite fraternize over love of pervy facial hair and difficulties paying for pricey gay marriages. Bonds: we make them happen.

Lots of people who thought they were marrying into money: screwed. People like Phyllis Nefler, who will marry into awesomeness: better off. In this week's NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, a few people actually do that. But remember: Harvard. Always. Wins.

Phyllis Nefler eats lots of cake, emotionally and otherwise. She's yet to meet her dream cake—which probably comes from B.C. and rhymes with "shmooberry sush"—but it's out there. NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, help us find it.

Gawker Weekend's Wedding Maven, Phyllis Nefler, please, tell us: will we have to wait until we're old and wrinkly to find matrimonial bliss? The NYT's Nilla Section Weddings & Celebrations seems to think so. Depends, off, biological clocks, on.

The NYT Weddings & Celebrations are a place for the hoi polloi to GTFO, not for artsy-fartsies "making" things other than Exeter-bound offspring and family mergers. Phyllis Nefler investigates the recent rash of ridiculousness: let those fuckers eat wedding cake!

WTF? The New York Times made a huge "teachable moment" in this weekend's weddings, and we got tipped off to it! Phyllis Nefler, who polices the mean streets of the Weddings & Celebrations, is on the case. Sick 'em, Phyllis.

In August, it ain't where you're from, it's what wedding you're at. Not getting married/watching other people get married? Then you're probably single, friendless, or me. Enter Phyllis Nefler and the NYT Weddings & Celebrations to help ease/exacerbate our pain.

If marriage is an institution, Phyllis Nefler is the McMurphy to the Nurse Ratchet of the Sunday NYT Weddings & Celebrations, editor Robert Woletz. Contained herein: deodorant, Seinfeld, cults, MENSA, and wonderful/bad vagina jokes. On bended knee, Altarcations is back.

Apologies to MCA: get better, man. NOW here's a little story/I'd like to tell/about one Phyllis Nefler/you know so well/she rocks the W & C of Sunday's NYT/And she's about to kick/a little history...

Get out your Nikes and Kool-Aid, and drink up: Phyllis Nefler's serving a tall, cool glass of a special weirdo religion version of the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday NYT. Also, successful matchup by Samuel L. Jackson!

Something incredible happened. The New York Times' ombudsman opened the lid on the Illuminati-esque processes behind a personal passion, the Sunday Styles' Weddings and Celebrations. Tell us: is there only upper-crust elitism at their core? And did he mention us?!

That's not Frank Oz's hand up Phyllis Nefler's ass; it's a stick called the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday NYT. Today, she realizes the evil, dark magic contained within them. Presenting your July 4th Weekend edition of Altarcations:

It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Or gay or straight. What matters is that you're single, and the happy couples of the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday NYT aren't. Professional P.Y.T. Phyllis Nefler's on the case:

It's 9:30 PM, do you know where your biological clock is? Phyllis Nefler does. It's somewhere in the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday 'New York Times,' and TICKING LIKE THIS. Pledge Phy Nef and watch the score:

Each week, the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday 'New York Times' features twos becoming ones and halves becoming wholes and reminds you how poor/lonely/lost you are; to help, we score them! Your host is chronic bouquet-catcher and numerologist Phyllis Nefler.

We're bringing back a Gawker tradition of yore: scoring the highfalutin', inferiority-complex inflating Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday 'New York Times.' Your host? High-society mole, street anthropologist, and all-around lady: Phyllis Nefler.

The Weddings and Celebrations in the Sunday 'New York Times' are a textual analysis-rebuffing, context-free and statistically random series of events described objectively that have nothing to do with the fact that you're single and still using that one dirty towel after you shower. You HUMAN FILTH. Intern Alexis judges the vows.

The Weddings and Celebrations pages of the Sunday 'New York Times' don't have to be read. You can totally pass it by! Then you won't feel bad that you had Wheat Thins for dinner all alone last night and let your ex-boyfriend sleep over last week, you unmarriageable piece of mess!

The weekly Weddings and Celebrations section in the 'New York Times' is your guide to who is superior to you—and who is worse than whom. But don't you know: They're all winners, because they're newly-married, and you're single again, or thinking about a divorce, and just generally losing all the time. It's like the brilliant Ann Magnuson always said: Maybe you should have married Junior, the Vietnam vet parking attendant! Would it be so bad?