Earlier today, President Putin ordered the Federal Security Service to produce “encryption keys” capable of decrypting all data on the internet. No one is really sure what this means exactly, but the FSB has two weeks to make them, Meduza reports. That’s just one part of the Russian government’s silly and insanely expensive new plan for internet surveillance, signed into law under the “anti-terrorist” bill today and going into effect on July 20th.

In 2011, Lt. John Pike of the UC Davis Police doused student protesters in pepper spray about as casually as you would Febreeze your couch. The savagery was caught on camera, of course, and became an object of national outrage—so much so that the university spent a six-figure sum trying to scrub it from Google, the Sacramento Bee reports.

Bloggers, perennial warriors of the web, do not have many things to call “wins.” But today is a day for bloggers to rejoice, for they have won the word “internet.”

The faceless editors of Wikipedia were on a warpath, wiping out glistening kernels of internet knowledge with nothing but ghosts left in their wake. And this week, they were industrious as hell. But we’re not letting them off that easy.

For the second week in a row, we’re sifting through Wikipedia’s deleted detritus to bring you those few, nearly lost-forever encyclopedic gems. This week, that means forgotten porn stars, creepy tales of time travel, and perhaps the worst song about liquor you will ever hear.

Donald Trump uses the internet a lot, sure. But based on his answer from last night’s debate on how he would “shut down” parts of the internet to combat ISIS, he doesn’t actually know what the internet “is” or “anything about how it works.”

That the internet is a miserable place is rarely still disputed. The New York Times ran an article about it in 2012—which suggests most of the rest of us had been aware of it since 2006. Depression itself has been a favorite topic of the internet for at least as long: crudely drawn comics with facile punchlines have achieved wild popularity. This taste of the internet’s consumers suggests that the internet itself is what is depressing us. That consumer and producer alike fail again and again to make this connection is also typical of depression.

It’s looking more and more like Ellen Pao was, in some sense, set up to fail by her male board of directors. Her predecessor Yishan Wong says it. A top Reddit engineer said it right after quitting. It might sound conspiratorial if it weren’t about this particular site.

In 1996, C.J. Phillips met Charlie Rainwater and fell in love, as young self-identified “doggy dudes” do. Now, they’d like to have a polite, civil conversation—about their right to love each other, and anything else that’s vexing you. Which is why they parked a lovely website on the domain jebbushforpresident.com.

Ross Ulbricht, the young “California geek” who became the internet’s most notorious drug lord and began a still-raging debate over online privacy and liberty, will spend the rest of his life in prison.

No matter how many zillions of munitions we drop or drone-fire onto the territory controlled by ISIS, we’re woefully far behind in the propaganda war—and nowhere is this more evident than the increasing Meme Gap. But internet legend turned senator Cory Booker wants to turn the tide.

Reddit is at its best when it has no illusions about what it really is: an enormous internet rock tumbler that occasionally produces something with viral potential for me and my coworkers to post on Gawker. When it pretends it’s not also a hive of racism and slime, it insults our collective intelligence.

The military is not about to take over the Southwestern United States. No one’s building underground tunnels to connect various Walmarts. Texas is not erecting a series of FEMA death camps. And we’re not about to enter the age of martial law in America. But! Just in case—Rand Paul is on it.

For every human tragedy offline, there will inevitably be a group of dedicated fuckers trying to make it worse using the internet. Today’s example is the #BaltimoreLootCrew, spreading white supremacist bile and misinformation about the Freddie Gray protests.

If you haven't yet lost the will to live, what are you waiting for? Scared? Afraid of ending up in Hell? Afraid everyone in Hell will find out you're a big baby? In any event, heaven exists here on Earth: It's a live streaming feed of poolside bros at a Holiday Inn.

The Federal Communications Commission is expected to vote on Thursday to regulate the Internet as a public good, the New York Times reports, and Republican lawmakers who have opposed the impending decision are backing down.

Sometimes the world wide web functions exactly as designed, funneling information where it's requested, and expediting tasks that would've taken days in another era. Other times, a group of young men that self-describe as sexless wizards swarms your personal blog.

It'd be great if furious animals could destroy all the things that make us unhappy: imagine crows picking apart our texts from mom, or a giraffe stomping on bad cops. Luckily, it looks like sharks are devouring the underwater cables that make the internet possible.

The pear emoji is not one of the world's most popular emoji, it's safe to say. How often are you eating a pear and wanting to text someone about your pear? As of this writing, per the invaluable Emoji Tracker, ":pear:" is the 570th most used emoji in the world. It has its place, and that's outside of the emoji upper class. That is unless we're talking about Rick Ross' Instagram comments.

Have any interest in funding a zombie outbreak response team? How about an eight-foot-tall sculpture of a hummingbird, or the children's book Ants in the Plants at Gramp's? Do these Wig Hatz 4 Cancer inspire you to open your wallet? If you answered "yes" to any of them, congratulations: You're the only person who ever has.