Paul Grey, bassist for metal band Slipknot, has died. Police don't suspect foul play.

Ron Paul gets shit for being the sole "no" vote on most popular, entirely symbolic bills, so when we read that there was one vote against a plaque honoring slaves at the Capitol, we thought we knew who was responsible.

[Polygamy in Iowa! Kidding. Gary Seronko and his new husband (!!) Curtis Rathmeier are hugged by Rev. Peg Esperanza on the steps of the Polk County Administration Building in Des Moines, IA. Via Getty]

Man, those activist judges, out in Iowa, Massachusetts, California, and Connecticut. Those damn liberals keep making us get gay married, all the time! Thanks a lot, Republicans.

Hah, activist judges in Iowa just forced everyone in that state of corn and fiction workshops to get gay married, right away. Does Iowa have gays? Besides a couple of the fiction workshop attendees maybe?

Just in case you get all your breaking national news from Gawker, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee—preacher, used to be fat, from a town called Hope, nutty super-Christian—won the Iowa caucuses. How should you feel about this? Videographer Alex Goldberg secretly videotaped his liberal (and Jewish and gay) roommate's reaction to Huckabee's victory last night. Let it serve as a surrogate reaction for all of us.

What a difference ten minutes makes, and the thundering authority of the New York Times. The Caucus, the self-important newspaper's politics blog, scorned other, lesser media outlets when they dared call Barack Obama the winner of the Iowa caucuses. "Madness," said Chris Hull. But, one post later? Click to find out.

Tonight: the Iowa Caucuses. Also tonight: The Orange Bowl! As the Iowa caucuses require quite a bit more evening activity from participants than simpler primary elections, we can't help but wonder which candidates' supporters are most likely to skip the caucuses to watch a nationally televised, sure-to-be-thrilling bowl game between Kansas and tragedy stricken Virginia Tech. Huckabee, who already earned a bit of ire in the heartland by telling Iowans that the game would be boring, seems an easy bet, as does fellow good ol' boy Fred Thompson. But as the GOP require only a straw poll, unlike the more involved politicking of the Dems, it might be Edwards (who would love nothing more than to appeal to the type of Iowans who love college football) who's hurt most. Of course caucusing is so archaic, annoying, and inconvenient that no one turns up to do it any year regardless of what's on TV. Besides the same couple thousand old white folks who've chosen our terrible leaders and their ineffectual challengers for the last century or so. [KansasCity.com]
Photo: "Iowa Bus Tour: Football Break" by John Edwards 2008

Roly-poly propagandist Michael Moore wrote to his email listserve acolytes that, sadly, he would not be brainwashing them into supporting the candidate of his capricious choice in Iowa tomorrow. Because he's not endorsing any of them! That's the short answer. The long answer is that he's not endorsing any of them but super especially not endorsing Hillary Clinton. Because of Iraq, sure, and also maybe kinda because she was the only one who refused to sit down with him for a Rolling Stone interview two months ago, thus killing his piece. So: anyone but Hillary! Do it for Uncle Mike! [Drudge, letter posted below the jump because his link will last another hour or so]

Anemic sales and high gas prices mean America's retailers might've had the worst Christmas ever! "Perhaps the season's biggest loser was women's apparel," says the Wall Street Journal. On the other hand, they didn't spent an hour stuck upside down in a tank full of shit.