Art imitates life; the plot of Revenge of the Nerds is now becoming a reality in Cupertino.

Ryan Collins of Pennsylvania will plead guilty to violating the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act as part of the celebrity iCloud breach known as “The Fappening” or “Celebgate” by the brave men of Reddit and 4chan who masturbated throughout. He faces up to five years in prison.

The Justice Department is seeking court orders that would force Apple to help it bypass the security features on at least twelve other iPhones not connected to terrorism cases, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Instead of waking up this morning to the proprietary echoing blip of the iPhone’s default alarm tone, a bunch of iPhone owners awoke this week to find the alarms they set had been turned off. Why? How? What the fuck happened?

Apple has for many years attempted to project its incoherent definition of decency onto iPhone users, typically when it comes to sex. But as of today, we know that news about killer drone strikes is too hot for the App Store, too.

The new iPhones, Apple announced yesterday, will be set by default to automatically record a constant stream of sound and video whenever the camera app is in use, without the user pressing the shutter button and even if the camera isn’t set to take video.

Most people attend a Broadway show with the understanding that cellphones aren’t allowed, you should turn them off, and you won’t need them for the next couple of hours. Most, but not all. Not the guy who tried to plug his iPhone into the set (which is located on the actual stage, to which the entire audience is directing its attention) just before a recent performance of Hand to God.

Just a few short weeks ago, a gaggle of the biggest names in music gathered to announce Jay Z’s new streaming music service, Tidal. I remind you of this fact because, statistically speaking, you’ve probably already forgotten about it: Tidal is now the 50th most popular music app in the iTunes store, and doesn’t even crack the top 700 overall.

They took Christ out of the classroom, and now they're coming for your iPhone: the new version of iOS has erased the radiant glory of God from the prayer hands emoji.

iOS 8's QuickText feature, in addition to being a not-particularly-good way to actually send a text, is a pretty good way to generate quasi-random gibberish. Jonathan Mann, a guy who has uploaded a new original song to YouTube every day since January 2009, used it to write a song.

A man in Bristol, England waited in the treacherous iPhone 6 line for two full days in order to win back his wife, who had left him last month after twenty years of marriage. The man sat outside the Apple store for a total of 44 hours in order to prove what a decent husband he is.

Congratulations on buying your new iPhone—now give it to someone else. According to the video above, alleged members of the Chinese mafia are reaping the benefits of other people waiting in line to buy the new iPhone for them.

Apple's just-announced iPhone 6L is 5.5 inches long: enormous by smartphone standards, but not even adequate in the eyes of morning show size queen Kelly Ripa. You expect her to use that tiny thing? Really? You have no idea how huge her purse is.

One of the sad byproducts of the media conspiracy to ignore this week's pro-life conference in Washington was that we almost missed this new iPhone app for baby-savin'. If only we'd seen it on Wednesday, we could've told you how much it sucked sooner:

Danielle Bruckman doesn't know what happened to her iPhone.

Are you one of the many people who have reported feeling symptoms of motion sickness as a result of the "aggressive" animations found in the user interface of the new iPhone operating system?

Not all people waiting in line for iPhones this week were homeless men being exploited. Some people were just... actually, as this video shows, a lot of people were confused why they were living outside for a phone.

Even if you were unwilling to battle it out in line or pay a homeless person to stand in line for you, you can still have an iPhone 5s right now if you're ready to pay through the nose: New iPhones are currently on Cragislist for $2,000.

Microsoft has pulled a series of ads making fun of the new iPhone for being sucky and not-at-all-funny.

A woman who had her phone stolen while vacationing in Ibiza was given an excellent opportunity to name and shame her victim, but then went and kinda spoiled it by being sorta racist.