William Safire's former copy editor Jaimie Epstein, now a "freelance writer," took over his On Language column for this week's New York Times magazine and she is a big heap of "I rolled around in Daphne Merkin's hairshirt" nuts! It's like a mirage imagined by Lawrence Summers—lady takes over an oh-so-manly column and writes about her relationships and her feeeelings! See? I bet she can't do math either because she is all concerned with the affairs of the heart. She'll never win all of us a Nobel Prize. Unless there was a Nobel for emoting and journaling about dating in the modern age.

Have you not heard? Dating Up: Dump the Schlump and Find A Quality Man, the tome to heal and inspire all gold-digging women, is finally out. Last night, we made Doree go to the book party, because she crossed us earlier. Kidding! It was really because this is the most important book of our age.