A Seattle man tripping on LSD went down as the world's weirdest burglar this weekend after he unleashed his hallucinations on an unsuspecting neighbors' apartment.

Lest you think that Jack Bauer is some kind of sexist, going around torturing only male terrorists to get vital intel, here's some proof to the contrary. Bonus: Freddie Prinze Jr. encouraging Chloe to let Jack do his thing.

Between the hours of 5 and 6PM on the eighth day of his anti-terror torture spree, pretend CIA Agent Jack Bauer will be ordered to stand down from your TV set. What should he do next?

In this never-aired, extended secret scene from 24, Jack Bauer interrogates the most jolly terrorist of them all: Santa.

The two-hour premiere of the new season of 24 is about to hit the internet in advance of the show's premiere next month. A mere 16 month after the show's last season ended, 24's producers have tried to silence complaints about haphazard plotting and unbelievable Deus ex machinas by plotting out the show's entire season in advance for the first time. Bauer's ceaseless torturing of his enemies will get a new setting this season, and Republican fans of the show about to lose a president will still have Jack Bauer, the last remaining relic of the Bush years.At the beginning of the recently released second trailer, Jack's torturous methods are questioned in court by the dad from That '70s Show, for some reason. "Don't expect me to regret the decisions I made," Jack tells the judge. All you can think is: did the conservative leaning series really have to return after an 18 month layoff with an apologia for the Bush-Cheney administration?

There are few things in this world that can thwart 24's Jack Bauer — few things, that is, besides a WGA strike and an untimely stint in the Glendale City Jail. Forced to postpone the premiere of 24's seventh season from January 2008 to January 2009, Fox promised a make-good for tortured fans in the form of an additional two-hour prequel, set to air this November. Now, though, it's looking like those two hours are going to come out of the next season's twenty-four. Prequel costar Robert Carlyle gave Premiere the scoop:

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In a Forgetting Sarah Marshall inspired moment of honesty, Kiefer Sutherland told his girlfriend, Siobhan Bonnouvrier, that he doesn't care that much for the clothing she picks out for him. Sutherland told his gal pal that he's far more comfortable in a V-Neck from American Apparel than the giant scarves the 24 star has been forced to wear lately. She quickly corrected him, explaining that there's a BIG difference between a scarf and a pashmina. Sutherland started to remove the pashmina and said, "Well, whatever it is, I don't like it and it's spring so why I am even wearing it?"

TV's Kiefer Sutherland shied away from even the very faintest sign of PDA while in New York City's Meatpacking district this morning. Sutherland seemed far too concerned with the commotion in the building across the way, wondering if he would have to be called into some 'neck snapping' action. In addition, Sutherland remarked to the mystery woman, "How can I hold your hand AND smoke my cigarette AND carry my umbrella all at the same time?"

Fox's shameless televised brutality-orgy 24 is sorry about constantly torturing brown Islamic Muslims and their freedom-hating sympathizers for all those years, the TV show was just trying to fulfill America's revenge fantasies, sort of like the Iraq war. Fox has patriotically agreed to create a kinder, gentler 24, now that the war and president are unpopular, now that actors are shunning the show and now that even the toture-happy military has asked producers to just please stop. Its insane proposed plot changes, detailed after the jump, of course have nothing to do with the loss of 6 million brutalized viewers.