CNN anchor and precious treasure Anderson Cooper was on the Tonight Show last night, and, in between digressions into world affairs, host Jay Leno asked about his well-documented love for the reality show Real Housewives of Atlanta, and specifically for star NeNe Leakes. Shrewd as ever, Leno then teased Cooper for clearly favoring Leakes for her ample bosom, at which point Cooper abruptly changed the subject. When asked at a different point in the conversation about the inevitability of holographic porn, Cooper abruptly brought up making holograms of wrestlers. Leno must have been wondering about that, because wrestlers tend to lack ample bosoms! Click the video icon to unlock the mystery for yourself.

♦ NBC chief Jeff Zucker is tightening making another round of cuts. This time it's CNBC, which will see its budget slashed by 10 percent. [NYO]
♦ A group of liberal activists printed up fake copies of the New York Times today to hand out to passerby in Midtown. [NYT]
♦ Gerard Baker has been named deputy editor-in-chief of The Wall Street Journal and Dow Jones. [Romenesko]
♦ Katie Couric's advice for Sarah Palin: "I think she should keep her head down, work really hard and learn about governing." [Page Six]
♦ John McCain's first TV appearance since he lost the election translated into big ratings for Jay Leno's Tonight Show. [THR]
♦ Monday's interview with Sarah Palin was also a winner with Greta Van Susteren's On The Record earning its best ratings of the year. [B&C]

John McCain wants to be liked again. His unenviable job as the Republican presidential nominee was to derail the campaign of the first black president and to defend an unpopular party, and he only made things worse for himself by getting blatantly underhanded toward the end of everything. His performance last night on the Tonight Show — the jokes, the occasional concession to a mildly pointed question from Jay Leno, the self deprecation — seemed designed, if only subconsciously, to invoke the McCain of the 2000 campaign bus, beloved by the press, or of the October Al Smith dinner, who was seriously funny, or the candidate who made a conciliatory concession speech to an angry crowd.

· Yes, that's essentially what happened last night—and if only that were the grossest moment. Enjoy! [Thanks to BestWeekEver.tv for the montage.] · Here's the trailer for Disney's Race to Witch Mountain starring Dwayne Johnson. For contrast, here's the original, before Tia and Tony sold their product placement souls with all that Vegas stuff and MacBook levitations. · Because it's just been that kind of day for Jennifer Aniston to get some festering stuff out into the open, she'd also like the world to know that she bears John Mayer no ill-will whatsoever for his rambling breakup monologue outside a NYC gym. · Mickey Rourke issued an apology over his comment to a paparazzo, "Tell that faggot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs." Said Rourke, "I want to sincerely apologize for the derogatory word I used. It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone. What I should have said is, 'Tell that faggot who wrote all those falsehoods in the paper I'd like to break his misleading legs.' There. That's much better." · Lance Bass is having a hard time getting rid of his giant Beverly Hills home, with a gym large enough for a dozen well-muscled circuit studs to really stretch out their quads and gluts. Knock a couple more inches off it, Lance. You'll unload it eventually.

Months ago, Michelle Obama was considered a scary liability. She was an aggrieved angry Black Woman, and America, oddly, is terrified of black women. The original code was "sarcastic." It meant castrating. Threatening! (Well, actually it just meant "sarcastic," but the people who parse these sorts of things read into it all their own weird baggage.) And here she is, a couple months later, our probable next First Lady, on Jay Leno, talking about her all-J. Crew outfit in a subtle (but not sarcastic!) dig at Ms. Genuine Real American herself, Sarah Palin. How did she manage the image reversal? Just kinda by being a slightly nicer version of herself! We all remember in February, when Michelle Obama accidentally revealed that she wasn't very proud of America. This led Mickey Kaus to lead the Charge of the Idiotic Racially Charged Language Brigade, declaring that Michelle's "default position is set to 'Aggrieved'" and further claiming, once again, that she belittled and castrated her weak husband by occasionally joking about him snoring. (Seriously, these people are insane.) But the "proud" remark cemented an early reputation for being a liability to the campaign, and led to Michelle facing some of the weirdest and most damning whisper campaigns of the election. She is on tape ranting about "whitey." She called up an imaginary African news agency to deliver an utterly insane rant about her many racist enemies. And, you know, she eats Iranian caviar. But gradually, the media discovered that voters liked Michelle Obama. Well-meant concerns about how threatening and scary she was were unfounded—she was comfortable on The View, on Ellen, even on The Daily Show. And while she's being careful with her words on these shows, barely talking politics at all, and acting, for lack of a better word, safe, there's not really any evidence that she's ever been a dangerous aggressive fire-breathing radical. (Angela Davis and Sistah Souljah are apparently the only Black Women most pundits know.) And so, like the "Obama is a Socialist Radical 1960s Terrorist" smear fails because it just doesn't square with the reality of his demeanor, words, and actions, the "Michelle Obama is an Angry Black Woman" story doesn't really line up with her good-natured demeanor, obvious loving relationship with her husband, and devotion to her amazingly adorable kids. Now, Michelle Obama is safe enough to pal around with Leno, the blandest man on TV, and safe enough to address swing states. Progress! New to Campaigning, but No Longer a Novice [NYT] Related Reading: Who Are Black People, And Why Are They So Angry? Terror At Michelle Obama Doing "God Knows What" In the White House

♦ Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially split, the focus is now on her relationship with Alex Rodriguez: Some say he knew that the separation announcement was coming, which is why he's been "lying low" in a five-star Beverly Hills hotel for the past few days. [Us, NYP, E!]
♦ How's Guy doing? Don't worry about him: He could walk away with as much as $250 mil. in a settlement since he and Madonna never had a prenup. [NYP]
♦ A sex tape starring Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi may be out there, although Cook's lawyers are still saying he has "no knowledge" it exists. [P6]
♦ David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have officially split up. We're as shocked as you are [E!]
♦ Raffaello Follieri didn't just swindle adults. He also tricked a 15-year-old girl by promising to get her Anne Hathaway's autograph and then never coming though. Now she's suing him. [NYDN]

Another victim of the economy: Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Despite an ad campaign intended to counter the perception that buying a $35,000 bike might not be the wisest idea at the moment—the ad's tagline is "Screw it, Let's Ride"—sales are now plummeting and the stock is down two-thirds since its record high in 2006. [Bloomberg]

Though Ellen DeGeneres still hasn't announced a major donation to the campaign to fight California's homophobic Proposition 8 (despite hosting a fundraiser for the animal rights-friendly Proposition 2), she at least denounced the proposition last night while guesting on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Even Leno himself got into the act by spreading a queer-friendly message of tolerance — one he no doubt hoped would erase memories of the time he badgered Ryan Phillippe to give the camera his "gayest look." Noting to DeGeneres that he spends a lot of time in West Hollywood, a surprised Leno called it, "the nicest area, the cleanest area, the safest area!" Is it the most "articulate" area, too, Jay? [The Tonight Show]

While David Letterman spent the better part of his Late Show last night ripping into John McCain, things were no less political over on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Leno's guest was Dr. Phil, and talk turned not to negligent parents or feuding spouses but to the government bailout of Wall Street. Turns out: Dr. Phil? Not really a fan of that plan! Oh, how we long for the halcyon days of mid-January, when Dr. Phil was merely a Britney Spears-chasing charlatan and not a needed, sober voice on economic matters. Enjoy your Great Depression, America! [The Tonight Show]

· We leave you today with a Defamer PSA emphasizing the perils facing anyone who dares so much as hint at the irrelevance of Dolly Parton. [NBC] · Credit where credit is due, even if it goes to Tom O'Neil: The awards freak changed his Dramatic Emmy prediction for best actor to Bryan Cranston last Friday. [Gold Derby] · Whoops! We take it all back: O'Neil actually bothered to report that Ricky Gervais and Steve Carell prearranged their Emmy "stunt" before the broadcast. [Gold Derby] · Because three Tyler Perry films per year aren't enough, the filmmaker/mogul has launched a new shingle to develop movies for both other directors and new, alternate actors who can play Madea. [Variety] · Warner Bros. lost its litigious warm-up for next year's Watchmen trial, failing to convince an Indian court that the film Hari Putter: A Comedy of Terrors infringed on its Harry Potter franchise. [NYT] · "The vomit shot out of Megan Fox like water from a geyser." Being a little hard on Diablo Cody's dialogue there, aren't you, John Horn? [LAT]

Following John McCain's tough appearance on The View last week, members of the McCain family are finally taking their gloves off. First, wife Cindy complained at a fundraiser that Whoopi & Co. had "picked our bones clean," and now potential First Daughter Meghan McCain has waded into the fray, spilling to Jay Leno the dirt she gathered on the View hostesses from her own, separate appearance. Surprised to find she liked Joy Behar, she instead targeted Barbara Walters, whose cruel, passive-aggressive rules about hugging left Meghan very confused. Not as confused as we were, though, when Meghan was asked what problem her mother had with The View, and she enigmatically answered, "I just think there's a lot of estrogen on that show." Meow? [The Tonight Show]

Armed with his own circuitous logic and a disarming smile, Shia LaBeouf has proven himself as masterful at one-handed P.R. spin as he is twirling a stiletto. Remember how he turned his Walgreen's arrest into a hilarious comedy pitch about a young movie star's escalating feud with a drugstore security guard? (Throw in Bow Wow and Martin Lawrence, call it Crunk & Disorderly, it's as good as a slam dunk.) A terrible Indiana Jones installment only seems awful and cartoonish because the audience has devolved (or evolved? We still don't quite get this one), not the movie. And a DUI arrest and near fatal car accident becomes a life-affirming anecdote on The Tonight Show. By the end of the telling, the whole "DUI" part seems but a distant memory, as you're entirely too preoccupied with the closeup of the gnarled fingernail LaBeouf touchingly presents to Leno—a trophy from his ordeal, suitable for mounting—to concern yourself with the details of the case. [The Tonight Show]

Human fish made of gold Michael "Maikeer Feierpusi" Phelps took his webbed hands and goofy demeanor on Jay Leno's talk show last night. And gave Jay his best ratings in three months! They discussed the usual trite shit, while NBC raked in even more money from this young swimming freak. What they didn't talk about (Tivo confirms): Michael Phelps' recently documented proclivity for aggressive stripper ass-grabbing. Jay, you're leaving so many more viewers on the table here. [Pics at Radar]

When we think of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, we picture a family-friendly forum where Republican candidates can come to read funny headlines out loud and maybe, finally, meet a real-life black musician. Lately, though, our G-rated suppositions have gone to hell as the lame-duck Leno has regaled the audience with stories about his interest in an underage Jessica Biel and his auto-erotic fantasies involving actress Scarlett Johansson. Into a more ribald chat show, then, does cheeky VMAs host Russell Brand walk — and boy, does he make the most of it:As he sits on the couch next to guest Eva Longoria Parker, a misheard reference to PETA sends the comedian on a tangent that splashes the audience with sexual offers they've likely never contemplated before bedtime. Bold talk when delivered to a Desperate Housewife, Russell, but we're reserving your comedy credibility until you introduce Miley Cyrus to the concept of a Dutch Oven during this weekend's VMAs.

Sitting down with Rolling Stone for a rare interview, David Letterman opened up on his two-step process of alienating and courting some of his most famous guest-emies—towering pop culture figures like Madonna, Oprah, and Richard Simmons—as well as his own plans for retirement. ("I would like to go beyond [my contracted] 2010, not much beyond," he told them.) He was also asked to weigh in on the curious scheduling shift going on at his old network NBC, where top ratings-getter Jay Leno is being forcibly vacated to make room for new The Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien, and his Late Night successor, Jimmy Fallon. No one is more confused about the changes than Letterman:

"Unless I’m misunderstanding something, I don’t know why, after the job Jay has done for them, why they would relinquish that... I guess empathy is the right word." [Times]

National polls have John McCain neck-and-neck with his presidential rival, or even ahead, but the presumptive Republican nominee insisted about 4,000 times to Jay Leno tonight that he's "the underdog." (Unlike Barack Obama, who's acting like he's already been elected Ayatollah!) Then Leno teased him about his 10 houses, and McCain responded that he was imprisoned for five years in Vietnam, so let's stop talking about his houses, because they didn't have any houses in a torture cell. What? The point seemed to be that McCain is not uppity, and instead of going to a fancy elite convention (this week) he's cracking wise with that other non-elite, hard-working underdog, Leno. This presumably is meant to play well with the bitters and "government pragmatists" in swing states. Here is some of the pitter patter (click the video icon).

Now that Jay Leno has entered the lame duck phase of his relationship with the Peacock network, it appears that he's decided to abuse his position as America's top-rated celebrity interviewer as fuel for his sexual reveries for many moons to come. While interviewing a crestfallen Scarlett Johansson on Friday night about Vicky Christina Barcelona (itself a rather sexually charged subject), noted auto enthusiast Jay figured he'd use the opportunity to engage the voluptuous starlet in some automobile-related foreplay. You see, he had done some research in advance of the chat and discovered that Scarlett told a lad mag that her number one sexual fantasy involved having sex in a car. But while Jay stopped just short of confessing that he has Crash playing on an infinite loop in his 17,000 square foot warehouse / garage, it was clear by reading his clearly flabbergasted guest's face that she's rather looking forward to sitting next to Conan O'Brien the next time she makes her way through Burbank. [The Tonight Show]

Having played everything in his long career from Barbra Streisand's sodomy-repressing patient in The Prince of Tides to a hook-handed war diarist in the upcoming Tropic Thunder, it seems a small tragedy that the single image most associated with permagrizzled thespian Nick Nolte is his infamous mugshot. Generally regarded as the gold standard to which all celebrity booking photos are held, there was virtually no aspect of the portrait that failed to convey a purity of wrongness: the sunken features, the pained grimace, the waterlily print buttoned up to the neck, and, of course, that shock of stringy chaos atop his head, defying all laws of physics as if fashioned by some oversugared pre-schooler out of a box of golden pipe-cleaners. Entire post-graduate seminars were dedicated to exploring its mysteries and beauty. So imagine our shock when the model himself finally revealed the true story behind its conception on The Tonight Show. This wasn't a mugshot at all, it turns out, but Nolte's selfless contribution to the Sacramento Policemen's Annuity and Benefit Fund.

· If it weren't for Dark Knight news, there wouldn't have been much news at all. After dispatching the Joker, Batman took on his toughest foe to date, the deranged Momzo The Clown (specialty: extortion). Batman denies all of the charges, which is just fine with new Oscar frontrunner Aaron Eckhart. · NBC announced that Jay Leno will be abdicating his Tonight Show throne on May 29, 2009 while a disguised Jay Leno sat in the audience cracking wise. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon will be spinning his wheels online for a few months before they let him loose on air. · Miley "Slut!" Cyrus took to the YouTubes to wage war on her new rival, Selena Gomez. · If you come within 1,000 yards of Brangelina's test tube babies, Brad Pitt will beat you to a pulp. · We finally learned what Judd Apatow's favorite season of The Wire was. · Surfer dude Matthew McConaughey cashed a $3 million check from OK! for baby pictures of young prince Levi. · Maybe it's just us, but Lyons & Mankiewicz doesn't quite have the same ring as Ebert & Roeper (let alone Siskel & Ebert). · Cuts at Vantage and Netflix made it another tough week for indie film. · Fer sure, fer sure, we counted down our favorite Valley Girls. · Don't bother with MapQuest, NPH can tell you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. · And finally, the passing of Estelle Getty affected everyone, from teary YouTube eulogists to our own Molly McAleer. The saddest part? None of the Golden Girls made it to the funeral. Nevertheless, the memory of Sophia Petrillo will always live on.