Just when we thought Britney’s 378th comeback attempt (you know, the real one) was on its final wobbly legs of materializing, a salacious cover story from Life & Style paints Britney as a suicidal and unstable girl (but not yet a woman). Using the headline “Britney’s Suicide Drama,” details are promised regarding the currently slimmed down doting mother who’s finally perfected that weave nonsense after years of failing, along with her battles with repeated suicide attempts. As the weekly’s source claims, “I spoke with her many times and I’ve gone to her house...She’s on major medications...like a zombie now. She’s a shell of her old self.” But after getting past the enticing glossy cover, we found several holes in the exclamatory top story, a few of which we unveil after the jump:

"What's WRONG With Brit's Baby!" screams the cover of today's Star magazine. But new editor Candace Trunzo's editor's letter makes no mention of poor possible Britney flipper-baby Jayden James. Instead, it's all about... Britney's weight loss? "Britney Spears really is this year's Comeback Kid," Trunzo crows. She ends with, "This issue's amazing new pics on page 44 say it all—Eat your heart out, K-Fed." And the 4-page story that begins on page 44 is about how Britney is losing "a pound a day." It's not until page 52 that Star asks, rather more briefly, "Why Is Brit Hiding Jayden James?" A: "It's all about the Benjamins!" (Duh.) Also: "'Britney did so much partying after Jayden was born, she doesn't feel as close to him [as Sean Preston],' maybe says another source." Maybe says another source! It's a new low in tabloid journalism, or maybe a new high! Congratulations, Candy.