There are indeed two sides to "the Confederacy debate"—the side that committed treason in order to protect the institution of slavery, and the side of America. Next on CNN: Pearl Harbor—did we have it coming?

Do you feel love for your fellow man today? Allow me to do something about that: here are some teabaggers throwing dollar bills at a guy with Parkinsons who has the temerity to support health care reform. [Via]

Sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson's big orgy debut angers his non-sparkly girlfriend! Lindsay Lohan is out on the town, partying again. A-Rod dumped his new girlfriend. The Bachelor people got married! Oprah has secrets. Presenting my final Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Another day, another compelling argument for refusing to allow Mike Bloomberg back into the nation the next time he jets off to Bermuda for the weekend: now Mort Zuckerman wants to run for Senate.

If you were weirded out by Bob Dylan's Christmas album, avert your ears: Senator Orrin Hatch, a Mormon Republican from Utah, has given Jews a "gift" by writing them a Hanukkah song. What is Yiddish for: "Jesus fucking Christ"?

Damn, the economy's getting to everyone these days. Even the lord and savior of a bunch of people, Jesus Christ (33), who apparently endorsed Riverview Community Bank only to see it shut down, reports Minneapolis' Citypages. Holy shit, holy bummer.

Add this to your catalog of ways fringe conservatives express their displeasure of having a black president: someone on YouTube has raised the possibility of Barack Obama being the antichrist because Jesus actually, literally said, "Barack Obama is the antichrist."

It's Good Friday, y'all! Trinity Street Wall Church is reliving Christ's suffering on the cross 140 characters at a time on Twitter. (Oh, and God is on Twitter, if you were wondering.)

Local politicians say it will take more than a well-decorated storefront for Obama, the Illinois senator, to make headway. "He's going to have to visit," says Bob Pasley, who adds that Obama should come prepared to answer "tough questions," including some about his religion.

"Is he Islamic or is he not?" Pasley says of Obama, who is Christian. "I know he's tried to talk about it but he hasn't looked anybody in Wayne in the eye and told them."

Gawker, yesterday: "Anyway we can't wait to see what new way [Maureen Dowd] comes up with of calling Barack Obama a fag tomorrow." Maureen Dowd, today: "As she makes a last frenzied and likely futile attempt to crush the butterfly, it's as though she's crushing the remnants of her own girlish innocence." Guess who the "butterfly" is. [NYT]

When last we heard about Michelle Obama, she was merely (and repeatedly) "sarcastic." Now, though, she rapidly transforming, before our very eyes, into anti-American. Or at least uppity. The problem? She's too proud of her husband and not very proud of her country.

Our caption: "OK, so maybe we were wrong about Zuckerberg's seriousness about user privacy." Now write yours.

The subway hero who interceded on behalf of two Jews who'd been taking a beating for having had the temerity to offer up "Happy Hanukkah" as a response to "Merry Christmas" turns out to have been, of all things, a Muslim! The Post nails the nuanced situation by offering up "PEACE TRAIN" as the paper's cover today, referencing both the Q train where the situation occurred and the controversial decision of musician Cat Stevens (b. Steven Demetre Georgiou) to convert to Islam. Also, this is something that went down during the alleged hate crime: "One of the group immediately hiked up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of Christ. 'He said, 'Happy Hanukkah, that's when the Jews killed Jesus.'" [NYP]

According to an AP poll, basically no American reads any books anymore. Well, the "typical person" claimed to have read four books, with half of respondents claiming to have read fewer and half claiming to have read more. God, was The Da Vinci Code too hard, guys? What about the work of Zane, did its hot pink covers not entice you? Or the Bible, or Danielle Steel? You people could not even manage Danielle Steel?

Is this a picture of a religious supplicant blowing his Savior? Why, no. Which is a shame: It makes that whole "body and blood" thing seem slightly more palatable.

"In the yard outside his dorm, Mr. Lohan, 47, explained how he viewed his current situation. 'It's like Corinthians 5:17, 'When the Lord Jesus Christ comes into your life, the old is passed and the new is upon you,' he said." That's right: Lindsay's dad has found the Lord! Today, Spencer Morgan chronicles Michael's path to pastorhood (did you know you can take correspondence courses to be some kind of authority figure within a "faith-based sobriety program" called Teen Challenge while in prison for, uh, drinking and stuff? Wacky!) by sitting in a parked car with him and listening to him softly croon his own tragic Lindsay-themed pop songs. He's also, we learn, currently shopping a biography called 'How It All Went Down.' We have to wonder: at any time during the investigation of this piece, was Spencer Morgan deeply concerned for the fate of his own immortal soul?

CNN's Roland Martin Hosts 'What Would Jesus Really Do?' Special

Oh, sweet Jesus, we barely knew Thee:

Cosimo Calallaro's sculpture "My Sweet Lord," which is an anatomically correct rendering of Jesus Christ made from nearly 200 lbs of dark chocolate, is provoking Catholic ire and funny headlines. The Daily News's stab? "CHOC FULL O'ANGER." Not bad! But we know you can do better. To get the ball rolling: