Click to viewAfter word emerged yesterday that MTV was planning an extreme dieting beauty pageant, we knew it was time to ask ourselves, "Do we still want our MTV?" Many of us grew up in a time where the network was perceived as alternative, cutting-edge, and cool, though it's hard to picture the stars who made it that way getting a foot through the door of the modern-day MTV casting office. Here, then, are seven iconic MTV personalities who would have no place on a network that now fills its programming with multiple iterations of the "spoiled rich girl" reality genre:

So John Edwards' maybe-babymama Rielle Hunter was a blabbermouth. Have you ever known anyone who had an affair with a married man? How'd you find out? Rhetorical question, yes! So, Radar wants to know why Rielle couldn't keep her freaking jaw in place about boning John Edwards. She would be so much better off if she'd just had a little discretion! Hey, did you ever think on how a widely-used synonym for "affair" is "indiscretion"? No, it's not so much that they go together like peanut butter and jelly; more like they're the exact same thing. What sort of patently talentless dilettante chats up a politician in a bar and manages to secure a lucrative contract with his campaign and either his or his close confidante's participation in unprotected sex? Answer: someone who shares the personality traits of a Donna Rice or Monica Lewinsky — the kind of woman who to enters beauty pageants, shares her innermost secrets with Linda Tripp or in this case blabs about married John from North Carolina to her web developer and anybody else who'll listen.Why do you think that whenever politicians from Bill Clinton to John Edwards stray, you always hear about the extensive efforts made by their staffers and confidantes to keep them away from their accomplices to infidelity? Because people like Rielle Hunter are not generally subtle; people like Rielle Hunter would equate "subtle" with a gentle snap of one's thong! In my years as a chronic oversharing discretion lacker I have found we often attract the same type. It's no accident Monica gave that exclusive interview to someone who just told the world how she used to screw Alan Greenspan! Which brings us to Rielle's ex Jay McInerney. He says he wrote about Rielle because he was "intrigued and appalled" by her behavior. I bet that in Rielle's case he would switch the verb to "bored" at this point. Which is what is so exceptionally unboring about Rielle Hunter! She changed her name, but unlike anti-pornography activist conservawife Donna Rice Hughes she never changed her ability to summon the energy to hit on powerful men and babble incessantly about it to all her blabbermouth friends. She would probably claim it was because she and John shared True Love. You might claim she is simply an incurable narcissist. I would say you're both right!

While The Hills returned to MTV last night with all the girl-on-girl drama and awkward pauses we've come to know and love, it was the Heidi-and-Spencer subplot that gained most of our attention. Sure, the storyline seemed simple on its face — Heidi's sister comes to stay with the pair, a development that forces Spencer to grit his teeth — but beneath the surface, Spencer's passive aggression was at full blast. With the help of Molly McAleer, we've assembled five moments from last night's episode that best illustrate Spencer's unique approach to controlling the woman in your life. When Heidi's cry for help comes, will we hear it — or it will be buried under ProTools? [MTV]

You thought that all American Apparel clothing was inspired by Dov Charney's endless parade of sexual fantasies? Not true. Some of it is inspired by Africa! Or as Bambaataa and fey hipsters spell it, Afrika. Is it bad that the company doesn't use any black models for these products? It might be worse if they did use black models, actually. Check out more of this season's most authentic adornments for those in the struggle, after the jump. Real hipsters still have their Cross Colours from '92:

Oh my, Michael Phelps, what have we here? I am guessing it was a local purchase? Perhaps from a small boutique in one of those labyrinthine Chinese megamalls that you could never actually find again in the case you discovered their elaborate certification that you were buying a genuine limited-edition Bathing Ape was a forgery? Here is a hint: Bathing Ape doesn't manufacture hoodies with short sleeves! I don't think so anyway. No one should! But also: I know you are down with G-Unit or whatever but you are a vaguely dorky-looking 6'5 white swimmer. The "whimsical self-mocking hip-hop internationalist" aesthetic was not meant for you. Your shorter whimsical less-white friend knows this. Call us when you win some gold medals that look as as cool as Mark Spitz's! [Guest of a Guest] Wholly unrelated: Just Asking: Is Michael Phelps A Douche? [Bestweekever]

Yesterday, we introduced you to the leaked chick-lit manuscript of mogul wife Leslie Zemeckis, who is married to Forrest Gump director Robert Zemeckis. Our publishing elf dubbed in "exhausting" as well as "derivative... clichéd and unpolished" in a reader's report. When we last left off, 24-year-old heiress/divorcee Natalie was sitting on the floor of her condo wearing a Juicy couture tracksuit, watching Entertainment Tonight and reading tabloids while spilling marinana sauce on herself. Now, we're introduced to Finn, the hottest young actor in town, who lives with his elderly Irish mother: "Finn took a swig from a 1992 bottle of Beaujolais and washed his mouth out as the blonde with the killer fake tits strolled by his bed..."

With the possible exceptions of various sarcastic asides by John Dickerson and Jack Shafer, online journal of contrarianism Slate has run like one intentionally funny piece in its 100 year history-this examination of Chuck Klosterman jacket photos by Doree-so we're not entirely sure why they keep trying. Humor is not really your bag, Slate! Today we received an ominous email from Slate's indefatigable flack: "Slate V Spoofs Lolcats: Polcats—What if Barack and Hillary Wuz Kittehs?" It might go... a little something... like this: Click to view Slate, this is the kind of idea we get at like 4:30 p.m. on a Friday and we think better of before we even finish the email pitch to Blakeley. This is apparently the kind of idea you decide to publish as an actual book so our advice is probably falling on deaf ears.

Years before Rielle Hunter carried on a torrid and weird affair with John Edwards (and years after her presumably torrid and weird affair with Jay McInerney) she tried her hand at acting in the moving pictures. Here she is in her star turn as "lady who holds a microphone up to Denzel" in the classic film Ricochet. As far as we know, we're the first ones to track down and digitize this scene—and probably the first to watch the movie Ricochet since 1992 or so. (Well, we didn't watch it. But someone at the office had to!) Enjoy!

Remember that curious mini-trend of mogul wives and their literary ambitions? Not everyone has the talent to make it, despite their connections. A tipster forwarded us the manuscript for a chick-lit novel of dubious quality by actress Leslie Zemeckis—wife of Oscar-winning producer and director Rober Zemeckis, who's responsible for Back to the Future, Polar Express, and Forrest Gump. Leslie's manuscript is about "3 friends and their schemes to get on, stay on and survive the red carpet." But: the reader's report from this particular publisher says, "The writing that underscores Walking the Red's derivative plot and characters is cliched and unpolished. Grammatical errors appear occasionally. Zemeckis' obsessive cataloguing of the designer clothes her characters wear and the expensive things they own quickly grows exhausting, as do her attempts at name-dropping..."

Look, we're old. Not "old" old, but more like "the Olympics were so much better in Los Angeles" old. And definitely not "Beatlemania" old, but old enough to wonder if the Jonas Brothers phenomenon is anything like what we've heard about Beatlemania. We honestly don't know — before today we'd never listened to a Jonas Brothers song, we've never seen them perform, we don't even know which is which, only that the moppiest-headed one occasionally receives photos of Miley Cyrus eating her skivvies. But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

Remember Stephany Her RoyalHighness, that incoming Princeton freshman who wrote that batshit Nietzschian Facebook letter to the Class of 2012? No? Let's refresh: "We are the anti-Christs to save the world from the mercy of God, the self-pity that festers within the masses," was a key sentence. And: "Religion is the opiate of the masses, so drug them until they are nothing but slaves at your will." Hey, turns out Stephany — last name Xu — is a product of our nation's dying Catholic schools! Stephany — who plans to maybe major in child psychology to help abused and neglected children! — was salutatorian at John Paul II High School in Plano, Texas. (Motto: Seek To Serve.) That's her in uniform above! She even gave a slightly more Jesus-compliant version of her screed in her graduation speech:From a tipster:

Meet Chris Renfro. Last month, in a case that went wholly unnoticed in the company's unending news flow of highly credible sexual harassment accusations and that lost chihuahua story, he sued American Apparel for race discrimination. (I know, like you put it past them.) We just took a look at his complaint and wondered if it might hold some deeper meaning for hipsterkind. Renfro contends that, while working on the "industrial design and construction" of an American Apparel store (context: said job pays $11.25 an hour) he was called the N-word incessantly by a co-worker named Sean Alonzo who allegedly said they "could use more" N-words at American Apparel (ha ha ha ha) and then proceeded to neg him by bringing a friend he described as "really racist," — along with said friend's vicious dog! — to a store they were opening. Reading the complaint, I remembered how there once was a time when this Vice magazine hipster racism thing used to shock me. Now it just seems sad! And it looks like Renfro agrees, judging from a Malthusian MySpace post he wrote the day before the suit was filed maintaining his hipster tormenters need to develop actual skills. After all, "what is graphic design going to do for you when you're starving?"

Yesterday some kid named "Stephany" born in the nineties wrote a Facebook message to fellow members of Princeton Class of 2012, and now we have her picture. (There's another after the jump!) Inspired by its imagery (ripped condoms! bloody lips!) but also by its flawed underlying assumption that anyone gives a shit where you went to college, we crafted our own letter, to all the young people who ever went to college, as part of what we plan to make a regular feature, Tough Love. Dear Young Folks, you know that saying "We don't care about the young folks?" Of course you do, you're young! But it's not really true. I care deeply about Kids Today, especially since it has started to come to my realization that everyone in Generation X hates you! I mean, even if we actually love you, we hate your blog, that you pretend you know everything even as it so rarely seems to occur to you that there is stuff you can't learn on Google, that you have so much misplaced self-confidence, and that when something makes you insecure we get the sense it is the first time you ever felt insecure about that thing and that makes us feel old.

ConnectU may be the college social network that isn't Facebook, but then Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is also the social network founder who isn't an Olympic finalist. Row2K interviewed the pair who are, ConnectU founders and dreamboats Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss. From the interviews, giddy fangirls and boys will be excited to learn that Cameron is the one who likes to play guitar, read books and watch movies. He's also very excited to seeing Beijing because he's never been to China before. Tyler doesn't say as much, but we do learn from the interview, excerpted above, that he was very tall in his youth. In an early 1960s rock band, we think he'd be the one who wore sunglasses on stage. The pair — who, along with third cofounder Divya Narendra, handed over all ConnectU shares to Facebook this week after months of legal wrangling — compete for gold this Saturday.

If the recent VMAs promo made you wonder "Who's the Brit next to Brit-Brit?", then meet Russell Brand. We asked the British funnyman (and Forgetting Sarah Marshall star) to sit down with us in an effort to prove his pop culture bona fides before hosting the VMAs on September 7. Already a famous ladykiller in the U.K., can Brand prove equally charming as the emcee of MTV's biggest event? We solicited his thoughts on Miley Cyrus, Christian Bale, and hermaphrodite presidents in a bid to find out. DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience. RUSSELL: Right. DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each. RUSSELL: OK!

John Edwards mistress and new age nut Rielle Hunter had her humble beginnings under a different name: Lisa Druck. Growing up in Ocala, Florida (I've been there: grass, trees, Spanish moss, springs, that's it), her favorite pastime was riding show horses. But a tragedy befell her horse, and Druck eventually ended up as a drugged-out party girl in New York. Could this dark incident involving family, crime, and equine assassination have been the thing that eventually drove Rielle Hunter into the eager arms of John Edwards? If you're a new-age theorist like Hunter, the answer is a resounding "Yes!":

BREAKING NEWS: the $14 million People paid for the family pix of the latest batch of Brangelinaspawn was an unconscionable waste of money! Or so the bloghaterati would have you believe. "Sources" are telling a site called CoverAwards that the magazine sold a "disappointing" 2.5 million copies on newsstands, which amounts to just about $6 million in revenue, meaning the American public must have turned violently against Brangelina's nefarious scheme to strip mine their children's cuteness to enrich themselves and the various third world relief efforts to which they donate money. But we're not buying it! Because as the surprising success of NBC's wild $894 million dollar bid for the Olympics is teaching us, ours is a nation that has been longing for shared media experiences. Enough with the market segmentation and experience customization; bring us beach volleyball, bring us a classy speech emphasizing our role in the global economy, bring us a photogenic nine-person megafamily with no birth defects and decent hair, BRING US JOHN EDWARDS' CASTRATED…um…

You know how you are always saying to yourself "What the world needs now is a website… that would devote itself to chronicling the entertainment industry"? Well, another half million venture capital dollars has found a home trying to do that under the great helmsladyship of ex-New York Times Hollywood reporter Sharon Waxman. So now it's a trend, this "internet as representing some sort of future for the media" thing! Because Tina Brown told us last week her plans for internet moguldum involve a new website called the Daily Beast, and Bonnie Fuller confirmed she was starting her own new website a few weeks before that, and while Waxman is not, like the two other media divas, internet retarded — she has a blog! — she is a lady, and as with the other two we hope her venture, The Wrap LLC fails because we're sick of having new sites we're supposed to check on the internet.

The jerkblogger behind the festival of misogyny and general frattishness that is Take a Report was found out by his employer, Citigroup, where he was a vice president. Due to its misogynist and generally idiotic overtones, "Large," a.k.a. Michael J. McCarthy, was fired for his blog's violation of code-of-conduct policies. Perhaps they objected to posts such as, "Although I'm pretty sure you don't condone the drugging and subsequent raping of female bar inhabitants, haven't you at one time or another considered what would happen with the right girl and the right mix of vodka and chloroform?" But for every job lost, a doucheblogger gets his wings: "I have been asked to be the keynote speaker at the Saturday Banquet of this year's Dallas Trading Convention... it's BY FAR the best of all the trading conventions." Woo! Some excerpts from Large's musings after the jump: how he once managed to get thrown out of an Eric Clapton concert by screaming insults about Clapton's dead son.

Ah yes, the dog days of summer. These are the kind of days where nothing sounds finer than sitting 'round the backyard with a few of your closest chums, tossing back a few cold ones and firing up the grill. But this weekend, instead of cooking up some Hebrew Nationals and a few burgers, might we suggest that you bring all the fixins for a nice Dirt Sandwich instead? The ingredients are pretty simple, and you can't beat the calorie count: all you need is an internet connection, a computer and an internet browser that's pointed right here. If you have a laptop computer and a WiFi connection then, well, that's even better. Gather your friends round the warm light of your computer screen and click play. Because nothing says summer time like topless supermodels, a John Stamos marathon make out sesh and Katherine Heigl's continued emasculation of her husband Joshua. Enjoy!