Mad Money host and crucifixion survivor Jim Cramer married real estate broker Lisa Cadette Detwiler on Saturday, The New York Times reports.

The last time the economy collapsed, CNBC money-clown Jim Cramer basically said, "Don't panic! Buy Bear Stearns! What could go wrong?" That advice didn't work out so well for him. So this time, he's modulating.

Who's the last person you should take financial advice from during an economic crisis? CNBC's schlocky in-house huckster Jim Cramer, of course. So, naturally, people are tuning into the network in huge numbers these days. God help us.

Manic stock-picking rodeo clown Jim Cramer is a study in lost popularity. When the stock market was roaring, he was funny and loveable; when the economy collapsed, he became a villain, a cartoonish symbol of America's idiocy and excess.

Lenny Dykstra—the former baseball player famous for sliding headfirst, chewin' terbacky, and picking stocks for Jim Cramer's website—allegedly touted a stock in exchange for money. Might bankrupt former athletes not be the world's foremost financial experts?

Possibly caused by a clerical error at Citigroup, the market took a precipitous plunge this afternoon. Our trusty friends at CNBC were kinda freaked out about it.

The Daily Show has kept a watchful eye on CNBC since the meltdown began, and there's been no better whipping boy for Stewart and Co. than silly button-pushing stock tipper Jim Cramer. Here he is being proved wrong. Again.

A tipster tells us this photo was taken about 1:30 this afternoon on Madison Avenue. There is financial guesser Jim Cramer, just standing out on Madison Ave., typing financial data things on his computer. Really? Crazy, if true!

Jim Cramer was on The Martha Stewart Show ready as always with some 'sound financial advice.' This time Cramer has figured out how to assuage our financial woes and stresses through gardening - by planting a money tree!

Remember that sweaty guy who helped lots of people make terrible decisions with their life savings before, and during, the financial crisis? Yeah. Well, he still does that. And now the SEC is investigating his website, TheStreet.com, over poor accounting.

Two of the most overly dramatic—and annoying—people on TV are celebrating birthdays today: CNBC's Jim Cramer is turning 55; Glenn Beck of Fox News turns 45. Good Morning America's new anchor, George Stephanopoulos, is 49. Bob Iger, the CEO of Disney, is 59. Former Mets outfielder and failed financial guru Lenny Dykstra is 47. Actress Laura Dern is turning 43. Director Alexander Payne (Election, Sideways) is 49. R&B singer Roberta Flack is 73. Actress Elizabeth Banks is turning 36. Tween star Emma Roberts is turning 19. Robert Wagner is 80. Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz is turning 60. Golfer Greg Norman is 55. And NYC restaurant legend Elaine Kaufman turns 81 today.

On CNBC today, Jim Cramer had the gall to attack someone for saying things that aren't, in his mind at least, true. Because you shouldn't say things that aren't true! Prepare yourself for a ridiculous clip.

Teenagers! They're out there, genuflecting at the altar of the Jonas Brothers and finger-banging in the backs of buses on the way to field trips and doing whatever else teenagers do these days. But did you know that text messaging is completely destroying all hope for their future?

The Robert F. Kennedy Center for Justice & Human Rights is holding a celebrity auction to raise money for the non-profit organization. And they've lined up an impressive collection of items. Any interest in paying a visit to the set of Larry King's show in LA? Not only will you get a chance to make small talk with the 114-year-old host, he'll also take off his suspenders, sign them, and let you take them home with you. Act fast, though. The bidding is up to $1,500. If that doesn't tickle your fancy, perhaps you'd like to "enjoy" (their words, not ours) a 20-minute phone chat with Suze Orman? Do note, though, that you'll need to bid a minimum of $1,000.

• Olivia Palermo's imaginary career is on fire. The City star is reportedly leaving her "job" at DVF to "work" in the publicity department at Elle. So if you see anything in Elle that seems to have been ripped from another magazine, now you know who to blame. [P6]
• Jay-Z demanded a Maybach, champagne, "good quality" peanut butter and jelly, 12 shot glasses, and a pack of Marlboros—along with $750,000—before agreeing to perform at the University of Arizona last month. [SG, P6]
• Jesus Luz's dad says his son and Madonna "definitely" plan to tie the knot in a Kabbalah ceremony shortly. But Jesus won't have to bother signing a prenup since the marriage won't be legally binding. [NYDN]
• The good news for Amy Winehouse: She's reportedly no longer addicted to drugs. The bad: She's supposedly traded the drugs for booze. [OK!]
• Man of the people: Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein was spotted flying coach on a flight from New York to DC. [P6]

CNBC tough-guy Charlie Gasparino was supposed to appear on a panel discussion at the New School last night. But he didn't show, probably because he's scared to talk about Jim Cramer's dust-up with Jon Stewart.

I mean can you believe the nerve of this fuckin' guy, coming on CNBC and saying amateurs should follow a proven successful passive investment strategy and shouldn't try to time the market according to the rantings of a man whose stock picks have a losing record? The nerve of this fuckin' guy. Shove your "index funds" up your tight ass!

Top GE and NBC Universal executives called a dinner meeting with CNBC bigwigs inside 30 Rock recently. This much is agreed upon. Still unclear: Whether CNBC was pressured to bash the president less.

Jim Cramer can't stop talking about Jon Stewart, and this week he told a college newspaper that Stewart "ambushed" him and that the show lured him into the mauling with lies.

• To celebrate 1,000 episodes (and 35,892 sound effects), CNBC's resident buffoon, Jim Cramer, rang the opening bell of the NYSE today. [CNBC]
• Sales of romance novels are on the rise, since in times like these, we all just want to indulge in happy endings. Or something along those lines. [NYT]
• Why is the New York Times Co. frantically looking to cut costs at the Boston Globe? For one thing, it's on track to lose $85 million in 2009. [NYO, Portfolio]
• It's hard getting people to pay for newspaper content they now get for free. Let Coke guide you, Arthur Sulzberger Jr.: "Coca-Cola took tap water, filtered it and called it Dasani, and makes millions of dollars a year." [NYT]
• Magazines are blurring the line between editorial and advertising by putting ads on the cover. If they don't, they go bust. Rock, meet hard place. [NYT]