Ever since Andrew Wiles solved Fermat's Last Theorem, the greatest intellectual puzzle facing humankind has been: How does The New York Times' "Most-emailed" list work? Science has finally given us the answer!

Love scientists, fresh off the discoveries that Axe Body Spray and liquor will help you get laid, have helpfully confirmed that "love" is simply an annoying chemical reaction. Which can now be blocked!

It's former Times op-ed columnist John Tierney's first piece since switching over to the Science section, and he uses the debut to investigate why he dropped two grand on Christmas presents this year. Actually, it's a well-written examination of why the brain urges you to spend money on useless things. Tierney, doing a bit of participatory journalism, gets a brain scan which reveals an interesting fact about his own neural instincts. We've reproduced it here; click to enlarge.

• NBC News layoffs: Dateline, Today hardest hit. Ann Curry still there, unfortunately. [LAT]
  

This all looks wildly complicated, but what you're looking at is the Sundem/Tierney Unified Celebrity Theory, a collaboration between formula-happy Garth Sundem and Times op-ed loverboy John Tierney. The equation is designed to predict the odds that a given celebrity marriage will last; according to the STUCT, Renee Zellwegger and Kenny Chesney didn't stand much of a chance, while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have maybe a 10% likelihood of lasting a year (if they ever get married, that is). As for Britney and Kevin? 0% chance that they'll make it to the five-year mark.

There are over 1000 columnists spewing brilliance and lunacy in unfortunately unequal doses, but a survey of 154 of them turns up batshit results: when describing what it's like to write a column, "26% of salaried columnists called it a job and 17% likened it to sex." But what kind of sex? As painful as it is for us to imagine fornicating journalists (shudder), we've got our guesses: When writing, Maureen Dowd goes cowgirl, but John Tierney prefers missionary (so that's why it didnt work). Stanley Crouch would never admit it, but he can't meet deadline without bottoming; Andrea Peyser just reads like a bondage freak. And of course, Ann Coulter's just hate-fucking all sorts of fuzzy baby animals.

It's hard being a single woman of a certain age. A certain redhead we know would seem to have it all: A great job, plenty of influence, lots of money. But she doesn't have anyone to share it with, and, as she has maybe mentioned to a few people lately, she's a little sad about that. So it sort of went without saying that when an ex of hers recently publicized a new photo of himself, one that took off years and accentuates his ladykilling blue eyes, she'd soon have to point out that she, too, is still looking good. Even without him.

From left, Tierney old and new.
Hello, gorgeous: Times columnist John Tierney has changed his photo! The old Tierney headshot was befitting of a quirky crazyman's high-school yearbook, but the new photo? Pure ladykiller. The message is clear and direct: This man is VERY necessary.

• Martha Stewart's next mag, Blueprint, will cater to 20-somethings buying their first homes. God, might we actually have to read it? [AdAge]
• Talking Points Memo'er Josh Marshall hires two bloggers to report for him. Bloggers who have to report?! Huh? Wha? [NY Sun]
• Craig of Craiglist to launch journalism project. Which is good, because he's slowly killing newspapers by taking their classifieds, anyway. [Guardian]
• Total mag ad pages up ever so slightly in 2005. Woo-hoo! Not dead yet! [MIN]
• Disaggregated media content confuses Simon Dumenco, who generously offers to disaggregate his column. [AdAge]
• Greg Mitchell says John Tierney is full of shit. [E&P]
• NBC Universal to close Trio, leaving one fewer cable network you don't watch. [Hollywood Reporter via MSNCB]

A 12-step program for coming to terms with TimesSelect.

• WSJ's Weekend Edition launches Saturday, with nearly 100 advertisers. [NYP]
• Will Bush's popularity meltdown hurt Fox News? Nope, Fox News will just be less Republican, bets The Tina. [WP]
• Arianna loves blogs, and Adam Penenberg loves Arianna, and it's all just so lovable. [Wired News]
• John Tierney says he's not a contrarian, which is contrary to what we expected he'd say. [Reason]
• The hangover continues from the worst merger ever, and Time Warner is now in talks to sell AOL to Microsoft. [NYP]
• Google gives Technorati a big fuck you, launching its own blog search engine. [PC Mag]
• Christopher Hitchens debates British MP George Galloway in Manhattan, and we can't figure what's going on — except that Hitch was boozing at Denton's pad, and trading limericks, till the wee hours. [Times]

The Best Case Scenario Handbook by John Tierney, Chris Buckley, and Marcel Durocher, offers practical advice on "how to accept an Oscar, sleep in First Class, shop for a private plane, take the presidential oath," etc. Very useful for many New Yorkers, but we'd suggest that Manhattan-based scenarios tend to come in pairs. How about "What to do when you run a multi-billion-dollar company and you get elected Mayor of New York." Or "What to do when your child gets into your first-choice preschool and your AT&T position goes through the roof."
The Best-Case Scenario Handbook [Amazon]