Many have criticized Wall Street firms for not doing more to manage risk in the lead up to the financial crisis and many have wondered just how much has changed over the past year. Let it be known that JPMorgan Chase is no longer playing by the old rules when banks were handing out loans to anyone who asked. If you're an accused murderer? Well, then, the new JPMorgan Chase wants nothing to do with you.
Wall Street CEOs make a fortune, as you're undoubtedly aware. Even the chief executives of banks that have been bailed-out by Washington or have gone bust usually end up doing nicely. But despite the riches and perks these men have accumulated and massive egos they've developed along the way, few of them would do all that well in a beauty contest. Because it's high time that Wall Street take advantage of the miracle of modern science—and because we care, dammit—we took the liberty of contacting Dr. Anthony Youn, a board-certified plastic surgeon who has made appearances on Dr. 90210 and the Rachael Ray Show, to ask him what procedures he'd suggest these titans of finance consider if they want to look their very best. Dr. Youn's answers and cost estimates—and our commentary—is below.
JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon shared some delightful news this morning. As expected, the bank posted super-solid earnings for the third quarter, generating $3.6 billion in profit based on $26.6 billion in revenue, results that were considerably higher than what Wall Street analysts were expecting. The House of Dimon also revealed that it's set aside $8.79 billion for compensation and benefits for the first nine months of 2009, just about enough to pay out $353,834 to each JPMorgan Chase employee. But don't think that's a good thing. It isn't! Because Goldman Sachs set aside $386,429 per employee for the first half of the year, and will likely put JPMorgan to shame when it reports earnings tomorrow. If you were thinking this world was unjust because millions of Americans don't have decent health insurance and a billion children around the world live below the poverty line, do yourself a favor and head over to JPMorgan HQ on Park Avenue later this afternoon and observe the people streaming out of the building. That, friends, is the true face of misery. [WSJ, Bloomberg]
We've said it before and we'll say it again: Mess with Jamie Dimon and you do so at your own risk. Last fall, during the bleakest moments of the financial crisis, the JPMorgan CEO began receiving threatening letters from a man who was angry about losing money a chunk of money following JPMorgan's acquisition of Washington Mutual. The anonymous letter-writer didn't just threaten to kill Dimon and promise to "McVeigh" the bank's New York office building. He also included a bit of white powder in one of the envelopes, which set off an anthrax scare at JPMorgan HQ. Duff McDonald recounts the episode in his new book on Dimon, Last Man Standing: The Ascent of Jamie Dimon and JPMorgan Chase:
Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan Chase, may be the "accidental media mogul," in the words of Keith Kelly. But it's also fair to say he's done a good job establishing himself as the "accidental beneficiary of fraud," too. According to a finance professor who's been poring over documents in the Bernie Madoff case, JPMorgan Chase racked up $483 million in profits between 1992 and 2008 thanks to the fact Madoff was a loyal JPMorgan Chase customer for all those years, and he used his various accounts with the firm to store billions of dollars. Sadly, Madoff's unwavering loyalty to the bank has yet to result in Dimon renaming the Chase branch at Madison and 64th Street in Madoff's honor. But if you stop by and you feel the ghost of Bernie in the air, let us know. [FT Alphaville]
Big banks have lost hundreds of billions of dollars as the economic downturn has left millions of Americans unable to pay their credit card bills. So that would make this the perfect time to introduce a new card with no spending limits, right? No? Oh, well. It seems Chase is now planning to give American Express a run for its money with its new, "limitless" "Sapphire" card. The good news, clearly: Jamie Dimon's debt-collecting good squad should have no problem keeping busy for the foreseeable future. [NYP, Bloomberg]
Things may be all hunky-dory at Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase now that both firms announced hugely profitable second quarter profits. The same can't be said for Morgan Stanley, though. The bank posted a $1.26 billion loss for the second quarter today, but as is the case with so many things on Wall Street, you should not expect any of the execs at Morgan Stanley to feel the sting: The firm set aside 72 percent of the $5.9 billion it collected in during the second quarter for compensation and benefits. "It was a very good quarter to be a Morgan Stanley employee," said one analyst. "I'm not so sure it was so good to be a Morgan Stanley shareholder." [Bloomberg]
Contrary to what Goldman Sachs mouthpiece Lucas van Pragg told us the other day, it appears Lloyd Blankfein has been celebrating the bank's record quarter after all. Page Six reports today that Blankfein was spotted "celebrating Goldman's boffo earnings" with Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver at the (kosher) restaurant Prime Grill, although it doesn't say when this dinner supposedly took place, and it's always possible it was another short, bald, Jewish man in a boring suit. (There are a lot of them in this town, as you may be aware.) Meanwhile, Dealbreaker has the details about a dinner that allegedly took place place last night at Barbone, which not only featured Blankfein, but JPMorgan Chase chief Jamie Dimon as well. Barbone's located on Avenue B, which is unlikely territory for both men, but when you're trying to keep your social activities under the radar, you don't exactly book a table at the Four Seasons. Given all these meals, though, we can't help but feel a bit deceived by Goldman's corporate communications department. If there was one industry that has earned a rep for its commitment to honesty, it's investment banking! [NYP, Dealbreaker]
Goldman Sachs announced record earnings the day before yesterday. Today it was JPMorgan Chase's turn wow everyone on Wall Street, announcing a $2.7 billion second-quarter profit thanks to "stellar trading and investment banking results." A few months ago, the bank had accepted $25 billion in bailout cash. Now the Jamie Dimon-led bank is "emerging with renewed confidence," reports the Times, and it's "taking advantage of the financial crisis to vault ahead of longtime rivals in the investment banking rankings and grab market share in mortgages and retail banking." When Goldman shared its good news with the world, we wondered if the bank had an exciting party planned. (It didn't.) We didn't bother to ask Dimon's people if they were planning to live it up this evening. Jamie's too cheap to treat anyone to anything fancy, clearly. But he is the kind of guy who would happily rub his good news in the face of the competition!
• There's a shortage of banking industry CEOs—decent ones, at least—which explains why Vikram Pandit is still in charge at Citigroup and Ken Lewis is still running the show at Bank of America. "The best players won't risk their careers going to a troubled enterprise," explains one recruiting expert. [WSJ]
• Andrew Cuomo has been investigating pension fund corruption for the past few months. Now his own ties to just such an entity are raising questions. [BN]
• Wanna invest in a hedge fund? You're in luck. A number of them are looking to diversify their investor bases and are now targeting the middle class. [NYP]
• Stocks rose this morning ahead of a report by the Fed this afternoon. [CNN]
• Good news for JPMorgan Chase: It's "the world's strongest bank." [DB]
• Good news for Barclays: Its name will grace a Brooklyn subway station. [NYT]
• Jeffry Picower was once considered one of Bernie Madoff's victims. Not so much any longer, now that it appears he withdrew as much as $5 billion from his various Madoff accounts between 1995 and 2008. [ProPublica]
According to Crain's, New York's 100 top-paid executives took home $1.2 billion in compensation last year. And a handful of them, it turns out, are execs who happen to work at banks that received bailouts from Washington: "Number four on the list is Goldman's CEO Lloyd Blankfein, with $42.9 million. Following him is Citigroup's CEO Vikram Pandit, raking in $38.2 million. Jamie Dimon, head of JPMorgan Chase, comes next in line with $35.7 million. Goldman and JPMorgan, which received $10 billion and $25 billion, respectively, in government aid, have recently moved to repay the funds. Citigroup is still saddled with the $45 billion in aid it's accepted." Topping the list, in case you're wondering, is Peter Kraus of Alliance Bernstein, who was paid $52 million just to take the job. But American taxpayers also had a hand in making 2008 a very good year for Kraus: In addition to his take from Alliance, he earned $25 million for the three months he put in at Merrill Lynch in late 2008. [NYP]
Did the Wall Street Journal really think people would fall over in disbelief at the news that the CEOs of a few bailed-out banks used their corporate jets to fly off on vacation? Like, last Christmas? By now, you've probably figured out that these companies blow tons of money on not-so-important things. (Like, say, office renovations, or jaunts to the Olympics and Wimbledon aboard their company jets.) If the paper really wants to break a story open wide, perhaps it could look into why a JPMorgan Chase-owned Gulfstream G-V was on the tarmac at a small airport in Brazil that happens to be known as a major transfer point for South American drug cartels? (See above.) Now that could be something big! [WSJ]
• Showdown in DC: Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis is testifying before a House committee today and getting a pounding, as expected. [WSJ, Dealbreaker]
• Will Citigroup ever get its house in order? FDIC boss Sheila Bair would like some answers, not that the board—or Vikram Pandit—have any. [NYT]
• Jim Simons held talks recently to sell a stake in his hedge fund, Renaissance Technologies, but has decided against retiring for the time being. [WSJ]
• BlackRock is close to a deal to acquire Barclays Global Investors for $13 billion; the deal would make the Larry Fink-led company the world's largest money manager, with $2.8 trillion in assets under management. [WSJ]
• JPMorgan Chase is acquiring the piece of Glenn Dubin and Henry Swieca's Highbridge Capital Management that it does not already own. [DB]
• AIG is moving out of its downtown HQ now that the company has sold off the real estate to a Korean bank and a US developer for $100+ million. [FT]
• Better than expected unemployment data and retail sales figures have lifted the major markets this morning. [CNN, BN, CNN]
The Treasury Department has given to go-ahead to ten big banks to begin repaying the billions provided to them by U.S. taxpayers. And for what may be the first time in history, they're expressing delight at the prospect of writing checks instead of collecting them. The Treasury Department didn't release a list this morning of the ten financial institutions that made the cut. But the joyous public statements by their CEOs has helped assemble a list, which is believed to include Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of New York Mellon, the State Street Corporation, American Express, the BB&T Corporation, Capital One, and US Bancorp. [Dealbook]
JPMorgan Chase has started changing over the signage at branches of Washington Mutual to reflect its bargain-basement acquisition last fall. The sign outside the branch on Delancey hasn't been swapped out yet, though. Is JPMorgan looking to save a few bucks by not replacing the bulbs? Or is there some sort of coded message here considering the sign now spells out "Was Mutual"? It's a mystery! [Bowery Boogie]
• JPMorgan Chase, American Express and Morgan Stanley all announced plans to raise fresh capital today, so they're prepared to repay the taxpayer money they've received as soon as Washington gives them the go-ahead. [WSJ, BN]
• Related: The Federal Reserve says next week it will announce an initial set of banks that have been approved to exit the bailout program. [NYT]
• Citigroup has stopped paying out massive severance payouts to a handful of execs who recently left the company. Is it legal? Not really, but they're betting that it would be too embarrassing for them "to file lawsuits against the struggling, taxpayer-backed company seeking the money." [WSJ]
• Ex-Bear Stearns chief Alan Schwartz is joining Guggenheim Partners. [WSJ]
• After a good day on Monday, stocks are taking a breather today. [NYT]
• GM says it has a deal to sell Hummer, but won't disclose the buyer. If you were buying Hummer, would you want your name publicized? [WSJ]
Moving to Chicago? Got about $10.5 million to spend on a new house? You're in luck! JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon's Gold Coast home—with 26 rooms and 15,700 square feet of space—is now for sale. Dimon hasn't actually lived there since he left Bank One to join JPMorgan Chase in 2004. But clearly he's timed the sale perfectly. [Blockshopper via Dealbreaker]
