A seven-year-old girl considers Paris Hilton is her "step-mom." Kevin Jonas' wife might be pregnant. Lindsay Lohan breaks her crippling internet addiction. Nobody wants to see Tila Tequila's sex tape, but it's about to happen, anyway. TGIFriday gossip.

• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and their boyfriends, Nate Lowman and Justin Bartha, had super evening out the other night. It involved steak, making out, tickling, and "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [P6]
• Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez aren't on the friendliest terms these days. Now things have turned frosty between their respective girlfriends, Minka Kelly and Kate Hudson. [P6]
• Heidi Pratt appears in the new issue of Playboy. But you won't find any nude pics of her in the magazine. She says she won't strip down completely until after she has a few "upgrades" performed by her plastic surgeon. [Us]
• Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant. So who's the father? Either she's not saying because she plans to use the news to gin up ratings for her crappy reality show, or becaue she doesn't know herself. One or the other. [E!]

Josh Hartnett turns 31 today. Robin Williams is turning 58. Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau turns 61 today. Defense attorney Ben Brafman is turning 61, too. Yankees star CC Sabathia is turning 29. Cat Stevens is 61. Comedian Jon Lovitz turns 52. Architect David Rockwell is 53. Music mogul Martin Bandier turns 68. Former PaineWebber CEO and now investor Don Marron is turning 75. Democratic lobbyist Bill Lynch is 68. Attorney Ken Starr is 63. Former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno is turning 71. Actor Justin Bartha is 31. And model/actress Ali Landry turns 36 today.

The Cinema Society and Details magazine hosted a screening of The Hangover last night at the Tribeca Grand, which was followed by an afterparty at the Soho Grand. Details editor Dan Peres, Cinema Society's Andrew Saffir, and Bradley Cooper and Justin Bartha, who both appear in the film, welcomed Rachel Roy, Amy Sacco (left), Nicole Miller, Will Arnett, Zach Braff, Gerard Butler, Molly Sims, Chris Meloni, Caroline Rhea, Alan Cumming, Shoshanna Lonstein Gruss, Albert Hammond Jr., Jill Hennessy, Jesse Eisenberg, Hilary Rhoda, Dan Abrams, Danny Masterson, Byrdie Bell, Kelly Bensimon, Rob and Marisol Thomas, Caroline Winberg, and Doutzen Kroes, Alexandra Richards, and Paula Abdul. [PMC, WWD, Wireimage, VF]

♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

• Christian Bale is set to get a "caution" about his alleged assault on his Mom and sister in London, but only if he admits guilt first. Comedian Russell Brand: "In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom."

• Tom Cruise says he wasn't replaced by Angelina Jolie in Edward A. Salt: she was only offered the role after he turned it down. And he also claims he's the one who bowed out of starring in the next Mission Impossible flick. Meanwhile, his producing partner Paula Wagner has stepped down from her job as CEO of United Artists. [MSNBC, R&M, E!]

After attending a New York movie screening with rumored new boyfriend Justin Bartha last night, it appears that Ashley Olsen is about to finally make her new relationship public. And after years of tracking the Olsen Twins, we have to admit that we are more than a bit mystified by how these two ended up as a couple. The deliciously handsome actor, sort of memorable from National Treasure (for those of you bold enough to admit you've seen it), is about to become far more memorable after appearing opposite Catherine Zeta-Jones in next year's The Rebound. But more on our new crush this guy later. The question we can't quite answer yet has to do with both Olsens and their laundry list of former flings. Never failing to shock, both Mary Kate and Ashley have one of the most eccentric, baffling and WTF dating history between them. We examine each of their previous love interests in an attempt to figure out what exactly they find attractive, why they pick who they pick, and upon discovering quite the few lookers in the bunch, why these guys pick them, after the jump.

• Republican-leaning movie star Bruce Willis opened a yuppie-friendly wine bar in the East Village, which prompted protests from neighborhood lefties and counterprotests from the Young Republicans. Turns out? He's not a partner in the bar, he just lent his name as a favor. Because, you know, wine, action movie star Bruce Willis — the connection is obvious. Plus he totally made those wine cooler commercials in the 80s. [Observer]