Sadly another season of this show has come and gone. Like most episodes, nothing happened, but the plot still seemed to progress. That's why we translated the action into serial comic form. It's later, the same day...

On The Hills, nothing ever happens, but the plot still unfolds. It's like reading one of those serialized comics in the funny pages. Now you can see exactly what we mean, because we made our own.

Heidi got some puppies for her birthday, but that's not enough. She has her prop neighbor child over to try to convince Spencer it's time to have kids. We know she's not ready, but she's already practicing by telling stories.

Heidi Montag can't just have any old birthday party, she has to have an extravaganza in her glass coffin and invite all the dueling princesses to come. Drama ensues. But even more exciting than the party is the preparation.

Getting sober is nothing to joke about, but it is the cause for some very, very serious reality television moments. Just ask Holly Montag, who refutes accusations that she is a drunk with slurry, drink-in-hand dances.

It happened to Paris Hilton, and now Justin Bobby's cell phone has been hacked! The internet was abuzz today with all of the text messages he's been sending. We have the full transcript and a video!

After so many seasons of shared LOLs, the relationship between Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge appears to have come to an unfortunate, WTF-tinged end. Rumors are flying that Conrad betrayed her friend by hooking up with Patridge's vacant, hirsute ex-boyfriend Justin "Bobby" Brescia, and today, Patridge took to the Ellen DeGeneres Show to further fan the flames. A clearly mystified DeGeneres tried to sort out the "who's zooming who" particulars with the help of some visual aids, but only a Hills aficionado could make sense of a backstory so simultaneously convoluted and uneventful. Still, all the Dermalogica face cleanser in the world can't hide Patridge's newfound loneliness. Stay strong, auburn-haired one! [The Ellen DeGeneres Show]

Though Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge recently patched up their fractured friendship under the warm, nurturing eye of multiple video cameras, a brand-new rumor has both girls on the outs yet again. Says E!:

Last night, we tearfully watched as the third season of that Adderall-fueled pity party known as The Hills came to a wisdom-filled conclusion. So what did we learn last night? Aside from newly cropped and suddenly hot Justin Bobby teaching Audrina (and us) that living alone means you can “come home and cook something,” and shockingly, “have people over,” Methanie Pratt managed to summarize the entire season’s course on Lives Of The Blonde And Vapid by telling villainous Spencer that one should always “think really hard before you do anything.” Below we bring you three tidbits to carry with you forever, involving drinking on the job, dieting leessons, and when the appropriate time to “shush” someone is:

Even though zombified Whitney and scandal-plagued Audrina didn't have much to teach us on last night's wisdom-packed episode of The Hills, Spencer, Heidi and Lauren blew our minds with life lessons we'll carry with us forever. And despite not saying anything that even remotely resemebled wisdom, it must be said that Justin Bobby, with his new haircut, has officially reignited our Bad Boy Crush phase. Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer worked her magic to present the episode's most eye-opening moments, which we've broken down into three essential bits of knowledge:


1. How To Advance Your Career By Seducing The Boss! Without an annoying dandruff-headed fiance to keep her busy, Heidi is focused on her job as some kind of powerful publicity manager who rose through the assistant ranks by age 21 using one simple method: subtly let your male boss know you want to "get your hands in there" and "make yourself available" to them moments after uncrossing your legs.

Underneath that swarthy, dirty-haired facade that Hills heartthrob/bastard Justin Bobby exudes lies an astonishing ability to inspire the rest of the cast with his wildly profound life lessons. His highly anticipated return to the habitually bland "reality" show jump-started whatever brain cells our blonde professors possess after popping all those producer-supplied Adderalls. In one particularly Carrie Bradshaw-esque line, our antihero explains, "It's not nice when you fall away from people, but when you kind of regroup again, it's..." Sure, we don't learn what "it" is, but still. Sheer poetry. As you'll see in our clip masterfully crafted by Intrepid Defamer Videographer&trade Molly McAleer, there were lessons aplenty last night. One prime example from dearest dead-eyed Audrina? A Webster-worthy definition of the term "date like a date date." [MTV]

Justin Bobby, poorly-behaved ex of Audrina on The Hills, is determined to make this reality TV thing pay off. Bobby scored a modeling gig for men's clothing company Orthodox, which is represented by a PR firm with ties to the show. The Times' Moment blog has additional shots for your viewing pleasure. [Times]

Anyone who's been watching MTV's sorta-reality show The Hills this season knows that Audrina—the kind of hanger-on in star Lauren Conrad's orbit who managed to worm her way into Lauren's life and become her roommate and new BFF once former BFF Heidi spread those nasty rumors about her and started dating the spawn of Satan—has this kind of vapidness that either indicates she's really, really stupid, or she's just decided to play the stupid one on the show. Because really, it boggles the mind to think that she actually believes that her loser ex-boyfriend just magically decided to reappear in her life during the third season of her wildly successful reality TV show! But that seems to be what she's throwing down.