In case you don’t trust your own eyes or sense of logic, the Jackson family has basically confirmed that at least one of Michael Jackson’s children did not spring from his seed. According to a TMZ report:

Katherine Jackson is back to implying her children are kidnappers.

The big news Thursday is that Katherine Jackson is back in California after an extended vacation and/or kidnapping to Arizona.

Determining the precise level of insanity present within each member of the Jackson family has long been a favorite pastime of the team of licensed psychiatrists that is the American public.

A judge has just suspended Katherine Jackson's guardianship of Michael Jackson's children (Prince, Paris, and Blanket), and installed the kids' cousin, TJ Jackson, in her place.

With each detail that emerges about the Jackson family meltdown, the story becomes even more unbelievable.

Everything just got crazy.

The internet is abuzz with rumors that Jackson family matriarch Katherine Jackson is M.I.A. — and with good reason. Late last night, her nephew reported that she was missing.

Blake and Ryan do nothing but stay home and walk their dogs. Kelly Rowland says Beyonce is having a girl. Jamie Lynn Spears makes her country singer-songwriter debut. And can you guess who Lindsay Lohan's Playboy pictorial is "inspired" by? Tuesday gossip wears a Slanket and eats soup.

Praise be the gods of tabloid: Brad Pitt's chin scraggle of horror is gone. Lindsay Lohan's paid appearances are increasingly desperate. Joe Jackson blames his wife for Michael's death. Monday gossip starts the week with a clean slate.

Now she's in an arm brace—but Tito Ortiz says she's a drug-addicted liar. Jesse James' ring finger is naked. Michael Lohan fears Lindsay is "the next Corey Haim." Whitney Houston sings off-key. Tuesday's gossip roundup cometh.

He thought he could call her "heavy" if he said "top," first. Ke$ha makes fun of Britney. Kendra Wilkinson's baby weight gave her postpartum depression. "Jessica Simpson weighs in on fat jokes." Thursday's gossip roundup was teased as a child.

• Madonna reveals all sorts of juicy, personal stuff in an interview in the November issue of Rolling Stone. Like how she really wanted to work with Eminem, but he turned her down (ouch); how her graffiti tag name back in the '80s was "Boy Toy" (how ironic!); and how she was a total geek in high school, just like every other celeb in the universe. [P6, NYDN]
• Penelope Cruz is making a cameo in the Sex & the City sequel. Get ready to suspend belief: She'll be playing the role of a banker. [People]
• Emanuel Ungaro "creative consultant" Lindsay Lohan is blaming the epic disaster that was her recent fashion show in Paris on "coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection." She also says she's still "learning" and that the negative press isn't going to stop her from returning to Paris in a few months to give it another shot. You go, girl! [People]
• Because he's a romantic at heart, Alex Rodriguez flew to Miami for a single night to take Kate Hudson to dinner. Oh, yea, and to see his kids, too. [P6]

A&E purchased the reality show The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty which will feature appearances by the late Michael Jackson's three kids, Prince, Paris, and Blanket. Thankfully, at least one Jackson thinks this is a bad idea.

• Cameron Douglas, the son of Michael Douglas, was arrested at the Gansevoort Hotel last week. The crime? He had about $18,000 worth of meth with him, which he was planning to sell. [NYP]
• Mischa Barton's return to the party scene this past weekend wasn't entirely drama-free. She got upset and talked "frantically" as she recounted an episode with a stalker. Then she had a drink spilled on her when she went to a party at the Cooper Square Hotel. [P6]
• So much for Bethenny Frankel's plans to star in her own reality show. She says she'll be back for the third season of Real Housewives of NYC. [People]