One piece of information that your neurons probably never fire about is that Kelly Clarkson is worth a million billion dollars. She may seem like just a girl you went to high school with who later became a hairdresser, or your rural cousin's girlfriend who already has a 2-year-old named Braylee from a previous relationship, but know this: Kelly Clarkson has enough money to have you killed and then pay to "make it go away" six times over.

Music mogul Clive Davis came out in his memoir, The Soundtrack of My Life, but it is one of his protégés who's expressing "It Gets Better" sentiment — to herself. First season American Idol winner and occasional shit-talker Kelly Clarkson has hit back at some claims in Davis' book on her blog. Her missive, of course, begins "Hey y'all." Clarkson continues:

Today Washington, D.C. was all atwitter with the graduation of President Obama from first-term president to second-term president. Here is your Inauguration 2013 yearbook.

Our big stars are getting bigger. Half of the women who performed on last night's American Music Awards don't have bodies that live up to the perfection we supposedly want in our pop stars and what's more, they put these imperfect bodies on display: it's one thing to show up, but it's a far more brazen thing to emphasize said curves. Last night, Kelly Clarkson, Ke$ha, Nicki Minaj and Christina Aguilera all did just that, to varying degrees.

LiLo will disrobe for close to $1 million. Demi visits Ashton at work. Christina Hendricks craves things that are "smooth on the tongue." Gisele Bundchen pulls a Gwyneth. Tuesday gossip shakes its moneymaker.

The proto-Idol is selling the 4,900 sq.ft. Tennessee home she bought in 2007. At $1.449m, it's actually a good deal, with 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms. As long as you can look beyond those hazel cabinets in the kitchen.

A mystery celebrity will be coming out of the closet on the cover of People on May 5 and lots of people are talking about who it's going to be. Well, it's time to toss out names and respective odds.

Tonight marked the end of Stephen Colbert's epic coverage of the Vancouver Olympics, and he went out with a Canada-bashing bang. What do you do when the host country disappoints? You mock the HELL out of it, naturally. Video inside.

Hollywood Week has ended its first week! Yes, there's more than one week to this single week. Similarly, all the American Idols are German. It's just how things work — time bends, reflections change — in Ryan Seacrest's imagination world.

Now that we've met our new friend, how will we survive without it? It will be a long, cold winter until April 13 when Glee returns, but there was plenty to keep us warm in the great show choir showdown.

Mischa Barton hailing a cab (or simply stretching her arm?) in the East Village ... Christy Turlington picking up daughter Grace from school ... Famke Janssen riding a bike and walking her dog at the same time ... Kate Gosselin leaving her hotel ... Keri Russell hanging out with her son and husband in Brooklyn ... Matt Damon and Emily Blunt shooting scenes for The Adjustment Bureau ... Kelly Clarkson picking up lunch at a deli downtown ... Sienna Miller walking with a friend in the West Village ... Hugh Jackman playing with his kids outside ... Blake Lively filming scenes for Gossip Girl with Chace Crawford in Central Park ... and Orlando Bloom eating lunch with Miranda Kerr at the Central Park Boathouse.

With her Idol tenure officially over, Paula Abdul's now banking on another gig: host of VH1s Divas special. This year's edition honors Kelly Clarkson, Jordin Sparks, Adele and Miley Cyrus. It's far easier to be a "diva" these days. [Twitter]

Ivanka Trump talking on her cell phone ... Elijah Wood walking in SoHo with girlfriend Pamela Racine ... Jay-Z scowling at a photographer in the Garment District ... Heidi Klum holding her son's hand after leaving dinner at Cipriani Downtown ... Gerard Butler shooting scenes for The Bounty in the West Village ... Joan Rivers leaving a movie theater uptown ... Liev Schreiber walking by himself downtown ... Maria Bello drinking wine outdoors ... Drew Barrymore and Justin Long hanging out on the set of Going the Distance in Brooklyn ... Kelly Clarkson signing autographs outside her hotel in Midtown ... and Kelly Bensimon jogging in the West Village.

More Carrie Prejean topless photos have emerged, real topless photos, Bob Barker and Betty White are about to kill each other over an elephant, and Nick Cannon is sick of Eminem talking about Mariah.

• Brooke Shields can't seem to make up her mind about who's to blame for the Kiefer Sutherland-Jack McCollough incident last week. A few days ago, her reps denied she'd been pushed by Jack. But now she says he did bump into her, and that Kiefer "has always been a gentleman" with her. Go figure. [TMZ, NYDN]
• Madonna took her kids to a Mets game on Mother's Day, which was all part of a plan to make Alex Rodriguez jealous, apparently. Also, the singer/diehard baseball fan sat in Jerry Seinfeld's seats and hung out with the Anderson Cooper the whole time, just so you know. [P6]
• More topless photos of Carrie Prejean have surfaced online. [TMZ]
• Barbara Walters wore the same dress to the Time 100 gala and the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The horror! [TMZ]
• Maya Rudolph and PT Anderson are expecting their second child. [People]

Gossip Cindy Adams celebrates her 79th birthday today. Barbra Streisand is 67. Designer Jean-Paul Gaultier turns 57. Mets star Carlos Beltran is turning 32. Playwright Eric Bogosian is 56. Djimon Hounsou (and Kimora Lee's significant other) is 45. Political reporter Andrew Kirtzman turns 48. Mystery writer Sue Grafton is turning 69. Veteran diplomat Richard Holbrook is 67. Kelly Clarkson is 27. Cedric the Entertainer is turning 45. And Shirley MacLaine is 75. Weekend birthdays—including that of the newly-named worst CEO ever, Dick Fuld, this Sunday—after the jump!

• Tom Cruise tried to impress a group of reporters at a press event in Brazil by speaking Spanish instead of Portuguese. Nice one, Tom. [P6]
• Etta James is no fan of Beyonce. She told a crowd in Seattle that she "can't stand" the singer, and that she "had no business" singing "At Last" at Obama's inauguration two weeks ago. Oh, and she's "gonna get her ass whupped," if she keeps singing Etta's songs, too. [NYDN, OK!]
• Paris Hilton wants to date a "big-money man" in LA, but she isn't having much success finding one who's willing to be seen with her in public. [P6]

Would you like to hear New Yorker music critic Sasha Frere-Jones sing the hits of Kelly Clarkson? Sure, we all would! Thankfully, The New Yorker has us covered. Sasha wrote an entertaining piece on auto-tune (the software that corrects pitch problems and can also be used to make wacky robot vocals), and then went to Hoboken with a sound crew to get auto-tuned himself. Attached, a clip of Sasha singing "Since U Been Gone." Click through to the whole piece to hear him get all T-Pained out. [New Yorker]

If you aren't yet familiar with magical Mormon munchkin David Archuleta, chances are you will be soon. Already dubbed the Chosen One by the LAT, the 17-year-old singing wunderkind seems as though he were literally fashioned out of plasticine by disconcertingly bedentured Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe, ready out-of-the-box for mass tween consumption. And while his aw-shucks humility has served him well thus far in the competition (his reaction to the judge's gushing and Ryan Seacrest's mild flirtation after his first performance was something akin to tickling a five-year-old mercilessly), Archuleta, in keeping with the theme of this year's vet-heavy Idol, is no stranger to high-stakes performing.

Let's be honest, is there anyone who didn't know that Randy Jackson was somehow connected to all this?