[Kelly Osbourne and her fiance Luke Worrall leaving a restaurant in London last night; image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Lindsay Lohan is certainly having a good week. Not only did she finally land another acting role—she'll be appearing in The Other Side, along with Woody Harrelson, and Giovanni Ribisi—but she may be getting her own clothing line at JCPenny, too. And the cops are getting closer to figuring out who broke into her house, too, which has got to be good news. [NYDN, People, NYP]
• These are tough times for Jennifer Aniston, clearly: Bette Midler is now providing her with dating advice and says Jen should sign up on JDate and find "a nice Jewish boy" with "a lot of money." [NYDN]
• Rihanna is "convinced" it was Chris Brown who leaked nude photos of her last week as payback for not attending his birthday party. [NYDN]
• Chelsea Clinton has a six-pack! [P6]

• Lizzie Grubman gave birth to another son yesterday. Little Jack arrived ahead of schedule, though, which must be wreaking havoc on Lizzie's weekend plans. [P6]
• Larry King lost "more than $1 million" to Bernie Madoff. And some sources say Madoff is now contending with some "serious" health issues. [P6]
• Tom Cruise is undergoing an image makeover so he can win back female fans. This will reportedly prohibit him from wearing sunglasses on the red carpet, getting grabby with Katie Holmes, or lecturing TV hosts on psychiatric medications. [Star]

♦ A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie this weekend and threatened to kill him with a 12-inch knife before the 16-year-old was arrested. [Mirror, Daily Star]
♦ Is Ashley Olsen planning to marry boyfriend Justin Bartha in a secret wedding on the French Riviera? That's what the National Enquirer claims! Also: She supposedly wants Karl Lagerfeld to design her dress. [Daily Express]
♦ Joaquin Phoenix was acting "odd" and wobbly at an event in San Francisco last week, and now his friends are worried he's back to drinking and doing drugs. [P6]
♦ Beth Ostrosky and Ryan Reynolds both finished the NYC Marathon yesterday, along with about 35,000 other people. [NYDN]

Writer and humorist Fran Lebowitz turns 58 today. Internet muckraker Matt Drudge is 42. Financier J. Christopher Flowers turns 51. Musician Scott Weiland is 41. Duran Duran's Simon Le Bon is 50. Kelly Osbourne is 24. Director Ivan Reitman in 62. Actor John Cleese is celebrating his 69th. British author Zadie Smith is 33. And Donald Trump's second wife, Marla Maples, turns 45 today.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch: 10/21 — So I’m at the lab next to the CitiBank in Burbank, minding my own business, and I look out the window at the parking lot, and there’s this guy who looks like Ozzy Osbourne getting into an Audi station wagon, and I’m saying to myself, you know, that guy looks like Ozzy, but he’s moving kinda well, no shaking. And then I see Sharon Osbourne getting into the back. And there was Kelly Osbourne in a Mercedes behind them. No carpooling in this family, evidently. Sorry, but that was cool. See? Post-production has its rewards. [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

♦ At Betsey Johnson, the front row—Kelly Osbourne, Perry Farrell, Miss J Alexander, Bow Wow, Ugly Betty's Mark Indelicato, Jason Lewis, Mickey Boardman, Lynn Yaeger, and Patrick McMullan—sat at little tables festooned with frosted cupcakes and lollipops for a Peter Pan-themed show in which Liam McMullan played a pirate "throwing gold coins at the audience and pinching the models' exposed bottoms as they walked by." Betsey did her customary finale cartwheel, showed off her granddaughter (left), and went off on vacation with her boyfriend (an Italian decades her junior, of course). [NYO, The Cut, Fashion Wire Daily]

♦ At Marc Jacobs, there were lots of celebs like Helena Christensen, Elijah Wood, Nicole Richie, Stephanie Seymour, Kelly Osbourne, Sofia Coppola, Winona Ryder, and Jennifer Lopez, and the elaborate, adventurous, world travel-inspired clothes got high marks—but all of the above was entirely eclipsed by the presence of Posh Spice's new gamine haircut. [WWD, Telegraph, Hello]

Keri Russell taking a stroll through Chelsea with her son ... Ethan Hawke and his very pregnant wife Ryan taking their puppy on a walk through the Village ... David Schwimmer walking through the meatpacking district on the way to the gym ... Madonna and the kids arriving at the Kabbalah Center on the UWS ... Sandra Bernhard leaving the same center a few hours later ... America Ferrera walking to the Ugly Betty set, coffee cup in hand ... Kirsten Dunst taking a stroll downtown ... Lady Bunny striking a pose ... Kelly Osbourne heading out for a night of partying with her boyfriend ... Alex Rodriguez walking to dinner with a few pals.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Aaron Eckhart showing up at the Today show to promote Dark Knight ... John Mayer hamming it up for the cameras downtown ... Natalie Portman carrying a doggie bag in the Village ... Kanye West with a Louis Vuitton backpack waiting for his car ... Gabrielle Union crossing the street on Central Park South ... Heidi Klum leaving her West Village apartment in a hurry ... Everybody Love Raymond's Brad Garrett at Columbus Circle with a female friend ... Whoopi Goldberg taking a walk near her apartment in SoHo ... Restaurateur Drew Nieporent sitting in the first row at the All-Star Game last night ... Kelly Osbourne leaving a lunch downtown ... Kimora Lee Simmons arriving at a party to promote Fabulosity, her newest clothing line.

What exactly is a star to do when they've run out of things to snort up their much-abused noses? The Nesquik-laced coke trend had some buzz for awhile but quickly got old. Then Keith Richards tried an even more inventive trick by blowing rails constructed from his daddy's ashes. And let's not forget Steve-O, who decided snorting wasabi would make for a grand old time. But the award for most logical next snortable substance of choice must go to Amy Winehouse (surprise!), who recently kickstarted a brand new trend in nose candy parlor games with Kelly Osbourne in London this week. Details on the rules and regulations for a fun little lethal game called Gas Chamber after the jump.

[Once again, Kelly Osbourne, with famous blogger Perez Hilton in London yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Musician/famous daughter Kelly Osbourne in London yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

· Stuff Editor Greg Gutfeld hired three midgets posing as Stuff writers to crash the American Society of Magazine Editors forum on "What Gives a Magazine Buzz." [Page Six]
· Director Kevin Smith is furious that the media is confusing his "Ben and J-Lo" movie Jersey Girl with that other "Ben and J-Lo" movie Gigli. [Page Six]
· Kelly Osbourne, biting the hand that feeds her family's reality TV show: "MTV makes me sick to my stomach...MTV only plays 35 videos a week. They used to be all about breaking new artists." [NY Daily News]
· Calvin Klein hasn't been seen in the office in a month and blindsided Philips Van Heusen execs by announcing at his February show that it would be his last. Maer Roshan's new magazine, Radar, is set to launch April 22, and immediately takes a shot at Vanity Fair. [The Word]

· The Vanity Fair staffers at the annual Oscar party will be deprived of their swimming pool this year, as it will be closed all weekend. [Ed. noteExpect Vanity Fair to bring their own pool. "Si'll pick it up."] [Page Six]
· Kelly Osbourne on her brother's friends: "They are like the world's biggest [bleep] bags. One brain cell in all of them. It's like snowing outside and they are in like nipple covers, and that's about it." [Page Six]
· Madeleine Albright on her favorite North Korean dictator: "I am the only high-ranking U.S. official to ever meet with Kim Jong-il, and we are the same height and both wear high heels." [Page Six]
· Lizzie Grubman and Hans Blix live in the same building but she gets more packages than he does and photographers aren't standing outside waiting to get pictures of him. [Page Six]
· Thanks to Chicago's success, Miramax is swamped with agents claiming their clients "have always been singers." [Liz Smith]
· Anna Wintour's former assistant's book, The Devil Wears Prada, includes a demanding editor who tells her assistant, "When I call, you respond. It's actually simple. See? I call. You respond. Do you think you can handle that, Ahn-dre-ah?" [NY Daily News]

· Bulgarian backlash: Model Saira Mohan has been getting hate mail since Esquire quoted her (erroneously, she says) as using the phrase "fat Bulgarian dog trainer." [Page Six]
· Kelly Osbourne wants the role of Tracy Turnblad in the Broadway production of "Hairspray." [Page Six]
· Quincy Jones' daughter Rashida is engaged to DJ boyfriend, Mark Ronson. [Page Six]
· Rudy Giuliani may be the next Lieutenant Governor. Darren Star (creator of Sex in the City) got booed at a Museum of Television and Radio panel in Hollywood when he said that "When the women start to push 40, they're not single, fun girls around town anymore." [NY Daily News]

The Post's Jared Paul Stern says the fat girls at the Lane Bryant show weren't fat enough. Kelly Osbourne? Not fat enough. Rosanne? Fat enough, but she wasn't walking. (Or "waddling," as Stern puts it.) It's all about context, really. If, for example, Stern were to walk a few of the Super[size]models over to the Vogue editorial office, I think space and time would collapse as soon as they crossed the Conde Nast threshold. Anna Wintour would collapse, at any rate. FAT PEOPLE IN MASS MARKET CLOTHING!! AIIEEEE!!! (It's Anna Day at Gawker.)
Bryant Park's faux fatties on runway [Post]