On the eve of the release of The Guardian, the cinematic event that will finally provide the moviegoing public with the Kevin Costner/Ashton Kutcher grizzled veteran/pretty hotshot pairing they've long clamored for, the LAT details the incredible lengths the production went through to ensure that its doggy-paddling stars seemed like they were battling sufficiently realistic waves. Sensing that the treacherous, water-wing-shredding conditions of the Magic Mountain wave pool might not adequately mimic the churning waters of a hurricane-stirred Bering Sea, Disney decided to build its own, enormously expensive wave-generating apparatus:

The time: 1 p.m.
The date: September 13, 2006.
The place: 18 Ninth Avenue.
Sighting: "Having just seen Kevin Costner's 'semi-chubby' on Defamer, I'm compelled to submit a sighting of him that seems to have occurred just before the unfortunate paparazzo capture. He was lunching at Ono at the Gansevoort Hotel with his wife and entourage, including a cute, blonde teenager. Thought it was his daughter (?), but then he patted her butt on the way out."

Of the many physiological impressions Kevin Costner left in wet cement at his recent Chinese Theater sidewalk induction ceremony, he omitted arguably his most potent appendage for obvious reasons of public decorum, thereby robbing generations of starstruck tourists the thrill of pawing at the cylindrical divot it would have left in the pavement. And though previous attempts have been made to capture the everyman's manhood through a curtain of pleated chinos, only now can we say that the mission has been fully accomplished. Rejoice: You now know what Kevin Costner looks like sporting a semi-chubby in a crisp white suit.

Kevin Costner was invited today to join some of the greatest luminaries in cinema history by leaving an impression of his hands, feet, and—in a spontaneous and unsolicited gesture that we're pretty sure marks a Hollywood first—his face in wet cement outside the Chinese Theater. The 51-year-old, mortar-encrusted actor acknowledged his good luck in living out every man's dream to "stare down the bully, kiss the girl, and save the day," though with a major release right around the corner and showing few signs of slowing down, we're all but certain his prolific career will see many more happy endings to come.

Perhaps fueled by reports of his unsuccessful, alleged solicitation of a happy ending from a masseuse, and the auto-administered release that followed, there has been a recent uptick in rumors that Kevin Costner and his wife Christine's marriage will result in a decidedly unhappy ending. Not so, says Costner flack Paul Bloch, who released a carefully (and copiously) worded denial:

· Remember the story about the anonymous Hollywood "superstar" accused of taking matters into his own hands (or to use the French term, "rubbed one out") after his shocked masseuse refused to administer a happy ending? A British tribunal ruled that it's OK to reveal that Kevin Costner is the alleged knuckle-shuffler, yet offered no legal correction to the misapplication of the term "superstar" to the actor.
· Congratulations to Tobey Maguire, whose engagement to Universal bigshot Ron Meyer's daughter ensures continued career opportunities should he finally decide to get too fat to put on the Spider-Man tights.
· Check out the smart new redesign over at our porn-pushing sister site Fleshbot, featuring the Gawker Widescreen technology that allows the featured naked people to spread out across all of your spare monitor space. [link NSFW, of course]
· The publicity-touring Tom Cruise says that he's called Katie Holmes "about a billion times" to ask her about their new daughter, even though the answer is the same each time: "Nope, still not yours."

• A UK court rules that it's OK to publicly confirm that Kevin Costner is the actor accused of exposing himself to a masseuse at St. Andrew's. Welcome out of the closet, buddy — hope you enjoyed what was left of your career, 'cause that shit's over. Er, more over than it was before today. [Times UK]
• At the Learning Annex, the founder of Jossip.com, David Hauslaib, will reveal all the secrets of professional blogging. But will he reveal how to get into Daily News gossip hottie Ben Widdicombe's pants? [Learning Annex]
• Oh poor, poor Bee Shaffer! The daughter of Vogue EIC Anna Wintour will have her Costume Institute ballgown "molded" to her body by Karl Lagerfeld. Oh, the unbearable burden of being a spoiled glamourpuss. [NY Sun]
• Project Runway 3 will debut this summer, meaning that the designers are rumored to show at fall Fashion Week. [Reality Blurred]
• Donald Trump takes his brand to Philly for some new casinos. He also brings along some poor planning, considering the Nicetown residents would rather have a grocery store. [Philadelphia Magazine]
• We really, really hope that Barbra Streisand was put in her place for wearing stretch pants. She should know better. [NE]

This weekend's LAT Hot Property column reported the sale of Kevin Costner's Hollywood Hills spread to American Idol Ryan Seacrest for $11.5 million, a passing of the luxury real estate baton from fading movie star to inexplicably popular, general-use TV host. A brief rundown of the estate's features:

A hairdresser hired for Kevin Costner's 2004 wedding and accused of stealing the actor's laptop computer has finally admitted his guilt:

• A possible ingredient list for the impending child of Jann Wenner and his boyfriend, Matt Nye: Jann's sperm, petri dish, Nye's sister. Mix until the batter is smooth and supple like a young Adonis. [Page Six]
• Kevin Costner's reps deny that he is the Hollywood superstar suspected of fondling his golf club in front of a masseuse at St. Andrews. While they concede the actor enjoyed his time at the golf resort, they deny that Costner is even close to being considered a Hollywood presence. [R&M]
• Paula Abdul claims Simon Cowell has been making her act like a nutjob on American Idol. Well, Simon and the 'ludes, that is. [Scoop]
• The Bush twins were test-tube babies. You needed to know, admit it. [Page Six]
• Because of their published investigation on Scientology, Kirstie Alley tells Rolling Stone that their "cool factor just dropped to Reader's Digest." We'd argue that it wasn't the Scientology piece that did it. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

In the big screen pairing none of us wanted, but are getting anyway, Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher have begun filming The Guardian in North Carolina, a movie that finally lets Costner return to his heroic, waterlogged roots:

You pray everything will go perfectly on your wedding day, but some things are hard to plan for. And don't think being a movie star makes you immune: The Smoking Gun posted a police report recounting the events leading up to the arrest of a devious, thieving hairdresser skulking around Kevin Costner's 2004 nuptials:

If your movie is set, the old adage goes, on a baseball diamond, golf course, or postapocalyptic, sea-covered Earth, then the Kevin Costner is your go-to leading man. Certainly that's what producers at Ascendant Pictures were thinking when they entered into a verbal agreement with the grouchy, divorced actor to play the "grouchy, divorced" lead in their new golf (well, at least golf-related) picture, Taming Ben Taylor. But when they called off the production, Costner got extra-grouchy:

Earlier today, a reader forwarded us a link to this picture (link not safe for work) of Kevin Costner's "bulge," and maybe we're a little unpracticed in the art of schlong-spotting (though we can spot a nipple through two inches of opaque cocktail dress at a range of thirty feet, look how hetero we are, etc etc), but we're totally at a loss for what we're supposed to be looking for here. If anything, we think we left off a couple of arrows.

· In telling USA Today about her new E! show, Wild On Tara, Tara Reid makes an unfortunate comparison: "You're going to see the people and the country and events and things we do. I feel like Willy Wonka, and I'm taking you into the chocolate factory. It's a classy show." Please, if you're going to tour Reid's chocolate factory, wear the proper protective gear. We'll let her have the last word: "When people see this show, they'll say: 'We've been picking on this girl for 10 years for no reason. She makes everyone around her have a good time.'"
· Cinemocracy scours IMDb for trivia about political movies and discovers that Hollywood once considered Kevin Costner and Harrison Ford virtually interchangeable. (Try telling that to their agents now.) Also, there are 95 "fucks" in Bulworth.
· We're not going to take this Paris Hilton impersonator seriously until she releases a copycat sex tape. This isn't a cocktail party, darling.
· Only our therapist can explain why we find StuffOnMyCat.com so f'ing, pants-wettingly funny.