Tragic news: The cool, understanding beard you got high and told all your troubles to during high school has passed away. The avuncular facial hair that was always down to buy your friends some beer was attached to actor/director Kevin Smith, and appeared in films like Clerks, Mallrats, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. It will be missed.

To prepare for court, Lindsay Lohan gets her hair did. Jude Law and Sienna Miller break up. Kim Kardashian gains 10 lbs. on "street meat." Kevin Smith loses 65 lbs. on a diet of shame. Wednesday gossip sits in judgment.

After shedding 60 lbs, director Kevin Smith can now enjoy a greater variety of sexual positions, sparing his wife from always having to "climb the mountain" - a rather cheeky euphemism he shared with Chelsea.

[Kevin Smith takes on protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church outside the screening for his church horror movie 'Red State' at Sundance yesterday. Image via AP]

Just so very many people in the Navy seem to be murdered, every week. And you all can't stop watching it. Also today: three rich girls do rich things and want to be congratulated for it, plus casting.

We were too busy eating self-serve frozen yogurt last night to bother with the premiere of Twilight. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was on the West Coast to report back. For a change, she wasn't the most wasted one there.

O Meo my! It's true! Because their movie Shutter Island just did so well again this week, the longtime pair has agreed to make it official. To celebrate their nuptials, they'll next be making a romantic comedy with Katherine Heigl.

If we learned one lesson from the Kevin-Smith-is-too-fat-to-fly debacle it is that we have outgrown our chairs. That's right, America, it's time for all new seating in planes, theaters, cinemas, and the like. Who should pay for it? Fat people.

Someone in corporate PR's decidedly not enjoying their Sunday. Yesterday, Kevin Smith started Live-Twittering his experience getting kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat. It was, for the most part, pretty impressive. Update: Southwest responds.

A swear-filled trailer for Kevin Smith's cop comedy, starring Bruce Willis and manic genius and/or complete lunatic Tracy Morgan, actually made us laugh (dick jokes!), but one thing's missing: There's nary a glimpse of the funniest-looking thing about the movie.

So Kevin Smith strikes gold with one good black and white comedy in the early 90's, and now the moviegoing public must pay for it for the next 20 years. Cop Out is just his most recent must miss.

Chris Lehmann went shopping for end-times food with end-times people; Kevin Smith prepped his readers for more ass talk; and Evan Williams tried to adjust your movie expectations. The Twitterati braced.

Show business does not (yet) have its own judicial branch empowered to imprison and, if necessary, torture people who commit unspeakable crimes against studio profits. It does however, have an even more effective tool at its disposal — director jail.

We may not have anything left of our environment or economy by 2010, but at least we'll have something to keep us interested in the cinema. And the marketing machine is already starting. Check out the coming attractions!

• Lindsay Lohan's first collection as Emmanuel Ungaro's "creative director" was unveiled at Paris Fashion Week yesterday. And let's just say the reviews weren't overwhelmingly positive. Described as "cheesy," "dated," and "truly hideous," more than a few critics suggested she get back to acting. And the show ended with Lohan in tears, which probably isn't the most auspicious sign. [MSNBC, WWD, WSJ, Daily Mail]
• Chris Noth is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Tara Wilson. [People]
• In other relationship news, rumor has it Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planning to get married, too. [NYDN]
• The David Letterman sex-with-staffers scandal was the butt of plenty of jokes on The Jay Leno Show, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, and this weekend's SNL, not surprisingly. (Seth Meyers called Robert "Joe" Halderman's alleged $2 million extortion attempt a "stupid human trick.") Meanwhile, a second woman, Holly Hester, was identified as another one of the late night host's hook-ups and the tabloids reported Letterman keeps a "bachelor pad atop the Ed Sullivan Theater," although it might just be an office with a fold-out couch. [Us, NYDN, TMZ]

Evan Williams kissed up to his wife via dissing his penthouse; Kevin Smith had a little freakout and Kevin Pollak made some sort of barbed remark involving Canada. The Twitterati were comparing and contrasting.

Or so goes today's lacerating NYT piece on The Weinstein Company's fate, "The Weinsteins Scamble to Regain a Golden Touch in Hollywood." Like old Miramax films, it's juicy, exciting, illuminating, and troubling. It also lays their survival strategy bare.

Bee Shaffer turns 22 today. Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau is turning 90. Billionaire financier Leon Black is 58. Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is 44. Wesley Snipes is turning 47. Muckraking defense attorney Ron Kuby is 53. Another muckraker, entrepreneur Mark Cuban, is 51. Theater director Oskar Eustis turns 51. Ezra Zilkha is 84. The Office's B.J. Novak is 30. And actor Dean Cain is 43 today. Below, the birthdays of some people celebrating this weekend.

Dumbledore could (and should) buy out the American auto industry. Madonna's dry thrusting leads to tragedy. Google Images will explode within the next few hours. And everyone is mean to the writers!

Someone is shopping a tape of Leighton Meester boning an ex-boyfriend, Robert Pattinson gets hit by a cab, Jennifer Garner tries to breakup Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith, Susan Boyle goes bonkers again and Beyonce screws over a club owner.