Not in so many words, but:

The never-ending parade of miseries that is Joaquin Phoenix's is-he-or-isn't-he trip from retiring actor to budding rapper rumbles on. In this chapter, he fights a heckler at a Miami show.

Cole Puffinburger, the six-year-old who was abducted from his house on Wednesday by drug dealers who had been ripped-off by his grandfather, was found wandering the streets a few miles from his Las Vegas home last night. Police say he's in "extremely good condition." Cole was taken Wednesday when three men claiming to be cops showed up at his mother's house and demanded cash from his mother and her fiance. When they said they didn't have any, the men ransacked the place and made off with the boy. An Amber Alert was issued—the first in Nevada history—but it was called off yesterday even though Cole was still missing. Police said the alert had run its course. Meanwhile, Federal Marshalls arrested Cole's grandfather, Clemens Tinnemeyer, 51, in California early Saturday, hoping he would lead them to the child's kidnappers—Mexican drug dealers from whom he'd stolen money.

A Las Vegas jury found O.J. Simpson guilty on all counts of kidnapping, armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon late last night. The verdict comes 13 years and a day after the former football great was acquitted of murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Simpson now faces life in prison. The judge refused bail for O.J. while his lawyer files an appeal, and Simpson's sister, Carmelita fainted as he was led out of the courtroom in handcuffs. The charges stem from a misadventure last September when Simpson and some gun-toting goons executed a bumbling raid on a room at the Palace Station casino to try to recover some old sports junk Simpson claimed had been stolen from his trophy room. "He's extremely upset, extremely emotional, but it is something that was expected," O.J.'s lawyer, Yale Galanter said. He says Simpson's fame is what did him in. "Definitely someone like OJ Simpson, everyone has a fixed opinion of him and it's troubling. I wasn't surprised." Simpson will be sentenced in December. [ABC.net.au]

Olympic gold medalist and American hero Michael Phelps never stops training. In this photo you see him strengthening the grip of his championship hands by squeezing the firm, champion buttocks of a dancer at the Las Vegas Playboy Club last night. The picture was snapped by roving Radar nightlife reporter Neel Shah, who selflessly pursued this journalistic scoop in the face of Olympian opposition:

Jay-Z may be the richest man in hip hop, but there's at least one investment that hasn't been a homerun for the demi-billionaire: After months of rumors, the Vegas outpost of 40/40 has officially closed, and the venue will be taken over by the Palazzo Hotel. [LAT via TBS]

A VIP host at the Venetian Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas made a quick phone call to reinstate his gym membership after hanging out with actor Ryan Phillippe poolside this weekend. The host was overheard as to have said, "I know that I canceled my membership three weeks. I know that ... Well, I just spent the last twenty minutes staring at the glistening abs of Ryan Phillippe ... He was in a bunch of movies ... Yeah, he was married to Reese Witherspoon ... Great guy, but you try standing next to him when he's not wearing a shirt ... Exactly ... Cool. Personal trainer. She's going to be hot, right? I mean, you can tell me. Okay, cool. See you tomorrow then."

At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumors about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay's blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas' star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody's adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious ass and, of course, dance like it’s 1989:

Sam Nazarian is "a rich kid from Beverly Hills" who spent his 20s becoming a Hollywood club mogul, hangs out with Salma Hayek, bought a house next to Leo DiCaprio, and played himself on an episode of Entourage. Now he's 32, and he's determined to bring his special brand of awesome party magic-which "draws such names as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan"-to Las Vegas. He's gonna make Ocean's 11 come alive again, baby, yea! And his PR team demands you respect his hustle:

BusinessWeek has a slide show of the "The World's Most Expensive Restaurants." Joel Robuchon in Las Vegas is the priciest of all in the US, at $360; Masa wins in New York with its $350 tab. But the most expensive restaurant in Palm Beach is only $95? That place has really gone to hell. [BW]

Las Vegas: where every imaginable tactic of sex-related extortion will eventually become a business plan. Are you a rich, lecherous man who enjoys escort services as well as golfing, and are frustrated at your inability to combine the two? Well wait no longer, because The Platinum Tees are here to take care of your leering needs. The PT's are essentially a bunch of models from an agency in Vegas, with one key difference: they have been "put through rigorous training" to learn how to be golf caddies. Yes, they "know the difference between a putter and wedge, take care of your ball, clean your clubs, drive your cart, fix divots, tend the pin, and most importantly keep you smiling!" I bet they do.

The MGM Grand is rushing to fill in what Las Vegas has been lacking: a massive poolside nightclub that is a thinly veiled destination for celebrities to do coke and have semi-public sex. More specifically, it's "WET REPUBLIC," and it's Vegas' first "ULTRA POOL," and "water is the leitmotif." "Swanky"! Enjoy its "sultry lounge" and "sensuous South Beach ambiance" and "delicious atmosphere" and "massages by skilled therapists" and "seductively modern vibe" and "illusion of a never-ending flow of water." And while you're doing that, the VIPs will be upstairs getting naked in their cabanas with six groupies and a big pile of blow, without having to physically swivel their chairs.

So a middle-aged couple that lives in Las Vegas decided to splurge and take their daughter and her friends out to a hot nightclub (owned by the same people whose bouncers make half a million a year) for the daughter's 21st birthday [LV Sun]. Dad lines up reservations, and is led to believe he'll spend $1,000 for the night. Instead, he gets run through the wringer and extorted for tips by every bum employee in the place, until he's spent twice as much—including $120 for bathroom tips, and $100 to a security goon to "ensure their safety." Now he's pissed! It's easy to make fun of the old-people-at-a-club meme, but these were parents trying to do something nice for their daughter, and getting hustled by shady club people who saw them as easy marks. We must support them! It's like somebody taking advantage of your mom and dad.

Life is good when you work at a nightclub hot enough to host Paris Hilton's birthday party. Doormen at Pure, the biggest club in Las Vegas, are said to clearing up to half a million dollars per year [Las Vegas Review-Journal]. And that's before whatever extras they can sell, nahmean? Unfortunately for them, it's also before taxes; on Wednesday the club got raided by the IRS.

Ohhh dear. Don't tell your "uncle" Barry, but Bette Midler's new Las Vegas show, "The Showgirl Must Go On," is apparently not so good. The musical extravaganza, that has the unenviable task of replacing Celine Dion's mind-bogglingly successful phantasmagoria at Caesar's, is opening tonight, and yet critics have been banned from reviewing it until February 29th. This is never a good sign. The Las Vegas Sun's Joe Brown managed to see an invited dress and has some terrible (if a bit vague) things to report.

Breaking news: A fire has erupted on the top floors of the Monte Carlo in Vegas. "The three-alarm fire, which began just before 11 a.m., was spreading from the center section of the hotel across the roof line. Flames and plumes of black smoke could be seen on what appeared to a west-facing rooftop of the resort." The building has been evacuated, and no injuries have been reported. Insert lazy joke about it being the most flaming thing in Vegas since Siegfried & Roy ruled The Mirage, and let's call it a day. [LAT]

There are plenty of conference events and parties to go to at CES 2008. The bloggers here never stop working, but what are bored mainstream-media hacks to do after they've filed their perfunctory handful of stories? Our short list of things to do in Vegas after the jump.

"Research" has shown that gay men spend about 30% more than straights when traveling. (Maybe they forget to mention that that 30% is actually spent in the underground drug market, on a bitch-goddess named Tina!) According to the WSJ, Las Vegas is "going all out" to attract gay travelers.

The FBI dealt a stunning blow to the power of magic late Wednesday night with a bizarre raid of illusionist David Copperfield's Las Vegas house, presumably performed in a frenetic, jump cut-heavy style as a classic rock song played. They made off with $2 million in cash, a hard drive, and his camera's memory stick, as related by E! and a detached Robert DeNiro voiceover. The FBI refuses to say what it's all about, except that it involves "an on-going investigation" that began in Washington (State!). Then the FBI stopped by the MGM-Grand, where Copperfield is scheduled to be in residence for two weeks in November. And Joe Pesci suffered some sort of violent death. Copperfield's vast collection of "perception-deceiving devices" was untouched, thankfully. But yeah, what the hell is this about? Are the feds finally busting up the magic racket? Can they indict Criss Angel? Please? [E! via Yahoo!]

Great news for real New Yorkers! The only person gunning people down in New York today (so far!) is in New York-New York, the casino in Las Vegas. Yay us! "Investigators are still collecting bullets," said the local cops. That is sad. But don't worry, gamblers. Someday the gentrification of New York will reach all the way to Nevada.