Superannuated, skeletal Viacom executive presence Sumner Redstone is mulling dividing his corporate behemoth into two separate companies, to allow faster growing portions, like its cable TV holdings, to grow unencumbered by struggling businesses like radio. While Redstone does his public song-and-dance routine for the benefit of Wall Street, we know exactly what he's up to—he's finally trying to select a successor. He's grown weary of the once-amusing executive cockfight he incited by making CBS's Les Moonves and MTV's Tom Freston share power as co-presidents of the company. While his new plan ostensibly hands over a CEO title to both of them, Redstone's testing his Number Twos with a Solomon-like threat to cut his baby in half. Our prediction: The world domination-obsessed Moonves demands that he get the part with the cute, gassy smiles and giggles and Freston be left with the one with the stinky diaper; a tearful, nice-guy Freston then begs that Redstone not cleave his infant. Redstone will then hand over Viacom to Freston, and three days later, Moonves will kill him.

· The Disney CEO search is so secretive that the candidates might not even know they're being considered for the gig. Candidates will discover they're up for the top Mouse spot only after being struck on the head and regaining consciousness in a secret bunker underneath Space Mountain. And please, never speak of what Michael Eisner's going to do with that flashlight. [Variety]
· The new, talent-friendly, free-spending Paramount obtains the rights to the yet-to-be published novel Love Walked In for Sarah Jessica Parker. [THR]
· Jamie Foxx hasn't even given his obnoxious Oscar acceptance speech, and already studios are elbowing each other for the movie release spots for next year's awards. [Variety]
· Peter Fonda and Donal Logue will join Nicolas Cage in the cast of the Marvel comics movie adaptation of Ghost Rider. Someone obviously tricked Fonda into believing this is a sequel to Easy Rider. [THR]
· In the future, all television pilots will be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. We suggest self-immolation before that day arrives. [Variety]

· A NY court rules that Marvel Enterprises owes comic book legend Stan Lee 10% of the profits earned from TV and movies based on Marvel characters, including Spider-Man. (The worldwide gross from both Spidey movies is about $1.5 billion, but let's see what happens after the studio accountants are through.) Obviously, Marvel will appeal. [Variety]
· Les Moonves refuses to accept that UPN's ratings are flat, questions the whole Nielsen system! Well, as it pertains to his shows, anyway. [THR]
· Warner Brothers and Paramount are in negotiations to co-finance a film about the Zodiac killer. David Fincher is also in talks to direct, but, as always, he'll have to fight to make sure that his "foreboding atmosphere" budgetary needs will be met. Constant rain doesn't come cheap. [Variety]
· Acquisition-hungry studios descend on Sundance tonight, ready to feast on the "best lineup of films in recent memory." We can't wait to see what stays down and what gets vomited back up. [THR]
· American Idol defeats Lost in the Wednesday battle of ratings titans. Stay tuned as ABC rushes Lost's very special, out-of-tune musical episode onto the air next week. [Variety]

You might think that Viacom co-president/glam future world despot Les Moonves might be momentarily chastened by the CBS News Memogate scandal. Do we have to say it? You'd be wrong. You don't get to the brink of seizing control of all you survey by cowering when cornered. No, when you're a big swingin' dick like Moonves and things get hot, you slap your rivals in the face with your member. This time, NBC golden-boy-on-the-ropes Jeff Zucker catches it in the face as Moonves notes that the Paramount TV part of his empire is producing NBC's promising Medium:

·"No power player has ever given up as much autonomy and wealth to become the No. 3 man in an entertainment company." So sayeth Peter Bart about Brad Grey's expected move to Paramount, but he's obviously overlooking the valuable opportunity to be Les Moonves' demonic valet (Tom Freston will be long slain) at Viacom when the Rapture comes. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Woody Allen's Melinda and Melinda will open the Santa Barbara Film Festival. This isn't as scary as it sounds—Allen's only creatively dead, not actually dead. [THR]
· Samaire Armstrong, on-screen assistant to Jeremy Piven's Ari Gold on Entourage (and late of The O.C.), is cast as Lindsay Lohan's BFF in her untitled "Lucky" project. Next up for Armstrong: peer-pressure surgery, a drinking problem, and a punitive fling with Fez. [THR]
· Carsey-Werner and Fox will attempt to squeeze every last drop of blood from the dessicated corpse of That 70's Show, formulating plans to keep the sitcom going after Topher Grace bails at the end of this season and Ashton Kutcher makes only token appearances. [Variety]
· Every time a publicist is promoted, an angel gets a scorching case of herpes: Rebecca Marks moved up to executive VP of NBC Universal west coast publicity division. The bad news is she still reports directly to fading NBC-U golden boy Jeff Zucker. [Variety]

There's something about the end-of-year corporate memo that's always just a litttttle bit creepy—especially if you're Viacom. Basically, let us summarize this year's mashnote from Viacom honcho Sumner Redstone, which we assume was largely ghost-written by Viacom chief media expansionist and serial semi-monogamist Les Moonves as he cackled and covered himself in the blood of lesser, warmer-blooded television executives:

Page Six reports that Viacom co-president/generously betoothed future despot Les Moonves has snatched up girlfriend Julie Chen from the set of The Early Show and taken her to Mexico, where he will in short order make her the first member of his galactic harem. After Moonves weds Chen, he's in a great position to sweep up through the Baja Peninsula, looting every town from Cabo to Los Angeles and seizing additional war brides from the newly subjugated population. We must applaud this strategic masterstroke and will beg for mercy when the invasion reaches LA's east side.

· Viacom co-pres Les Moonves creates the CBS Marketing Group to oversee all marketing activities for CBS and UPN and "maximize [their] promotional power." So why did Moonves order this new "Marketing Group" fifty tanks and enough assault rifles to march into Nevada? Start hording the bottle water and canned food. The invasion is nigh. [THR]
· Showtime, further cementing their role as HBO's retarded cousin, gives a 10 episode order to the Mary Louise Parker suburban-mom-turned-pot-dealer series—get ready for it, because here it comes—Weeds. Possible promotional tagline: "The gateway drug to hilarity!" [THR]
· Shocker: The Simpsons dominates WGA nominations in the animation category. West Wing and Sex and the City also receive props. [Variety, sub, req'd.]
· Universal grabs Harrison Ford to star in the first feature on the current war in Iraq, based on the upcoming book No True Glory: The Battle for Fallujah. If they hold off production for some kind of resolution in Iraq, they might have to rewrite Ford's part as an Alzheimer's-afflicted WWII vet who wants to "grab his helmet and get back in the shit." [Variety]
· The Broadcast Film Critics Association continues to set up critics everywhere for an eventual Oscar letdown by nominating Sideways for 8 awards. Why do these people insist on celebrating this excellent film?! Why?! [THR]

· Columbia hires Alex Gregory and Peter Huyck to write the Will Ferrell beach volleyball comedy, Bronze God. Gregory understands what he's supposed to deliver: "Will's about the funniest guy out there, and he's even funnier shirtless, in a Speedo and with a savage tan." Then again, the phrase "Will Ferrell beach volleyball comedy" probably sold this one all by itself. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· LOTR's Sean Bean will play the bad guy in Michael Bay's The Island, a movie that "centers on a harvested being who becomes self-aware and tries to escape" from a hack director who still thinks he's shooting music videos. [THR]
· Rose McGowan is in negotiations to play Ann-Margaret in the CBS Elvis biopic, undoubtedly because Lindsay Lohan is otherwise engaged dancing on bars and screwing Colin Farrell. [THR]
· CBS picks up Survivor through 2006, but all future runners-up must now spend a ten-year indentured servitude servicing Les Moonves' every whim. High stakes indeed. [Variety]
· Chris Weitz will no longer direct New Line's movie adaptation of the His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass fantasy novel. Weitz denies "creative differences," but probably because he's staying on as a writer. [THR]

In picking up Tuesday's Smoking Gun story about Viacom co-president/bleach-toothed future intercontinental despot Les Moonves' attempt to expedite his divorce proceedings, Page Six lets us know that his estranged wife is still pissed that she got dumped for Early Show/Big Brother host Julie Chen:

Viacom co-president/bleach-toothed master of All Things Broadcast Les Moonves is really, really anxious to get his divorce over with. Obviously exasperated with the slow divorce proceedings instituted by his estranged wife, Nancy, Moonves has petitioned to have the status portion of the split changed right now so that he can be officially "single" so he can "go forward with [his] life, both emotionally and financially." Translation: Nancy can bleed him for untold millions later, but right now he wants to get back to schtupping Julie Chen without the guilt of a technical marriage weighing heavily on 'Lil Les. Who knew the little guy had a conscience?

· NBC president Kevin Reilly tears up with Nielsen nostalgia watching the network's Seinfeld special and realizes just how shitty sitcoms have become. He then vows to find out the "rules" so that he can break them...by setting future shitty sitcoms in wacky places like retirement communities and trailer parks. We can't wait to enter this brave new world filled with endless laughter and originality. [THR]
· Surrender now before Desperate Housewives decides dominating the ratings isn't enough and sends Teri Hatcher to eat the nation's first born. [THR]
· Murdoch underboss Peter Chernin's sweetheart contract allows him to bolt Fox for Disney should the opportunity arise. Other provisions in the contract give Chernin truckloads of cash and stock options in severance, grant him a six-year production deal, and compels Lachlan Murdoch to serve as his butler for "as long as he's needed." [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· NBC promotes Mitch Metcalf to VP of programming planning and scheduling, where he will quickly be devoured trying to solve the Must See TV problem. Sadly, the only solution is begging Les Moonves for a job. [Variety]
· Mandalay Entertainment options the film rights to the as-yet-unpublished chick-litty how-to guide The Hookup Handbook: A Single Girl's Guide to Living it Up. We often facetiously use this space to pray to God to quickly and painlessly end our lives, but this time we're serious. We can only hope the afterlife has no books with neon covers and tips on "how to get him to call you back the next day." [THR]

· Viacom agrees to a $3.5 million buggering over outstanding indecency fines, which doesn't include the world of pain the FCC has yet to rain down over the Janet Jackson incident. To show his gratitude for the "settlement," Viacom co-president/future galactic emperor Les Moonves plans on leaving a severed breast left in FCC chairman Michael Powell's bed. And that's just for starters. [THR]
· The MPAA upholds the NC-17 rating on Pedro Almodovar's Bad Education because "they're just not into the gay sex thing." [THR]
· Robert Downey Jr. joins Tim Allen in the Shaggy Dog remake. We'll all understand if Downey falls off the wagon to get through this one. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Universal writes the names of all of its 2005 films on little pieces of paper, throws them up in the air, then reschedules their release dates according to where they land on a calendar on the floor. [Variety]
· Former Academy member Carmine Caridi fined $600K for pirating movie screeners. In addition to the severe financial penalty, the judge left open the possibility that MPAA pirate-hunter-at-large Jack Valenti can beat the bottom of Caridi's feet with bamboo sticks until he calls Valenti his "copyright daddy." [Variety]

· Showtime is running documentary on Anna Nicole Smith on May 4 hosted by William H. Macy [Page Six]
· CBS chairman Les Moonves and his wife, Nancy, are calling it quits. There was hope the two would patch things up, and that a certain anchorbabe might take her pretty smile and disappear. But it was not to be." [Page Six]
· While horror novel writer Stephen King was staying with his family at the Ritz-Carlton Battery Park, he became intrigued with a 4-foot-tall chocolate bunny created by hotel pastry chef Laurent Richard. "He said it was looking at him funny." He decided he wanted the giant rabbit in his office for inspiration. [Page Six]
· The Tribeca Film Festival will have free 'drive-in movies' from May 8 to May 10. The films to be screened include 'Diner' and 'Grease' (with a sing-along). Some of the 'Diner' cast will be on hand for a party at the historic Yankee Ferry, which is docked there. General Motors will show off some convertibles - the Cadillac XLR, the Chevrolet SSR and the Saab 9-3. [NY Daily News]

The NYT's Bill Carter profiles HBO Chairman, Chris Albrecht. Albrecht is largely responsible for series hits like "The Sopranos," "Six Feet Under," and "Curb Your Enthusiasm," all of which have helped to make HBO tremendously profitable. "Sopranos" creator, David Chase, refers to Albrecht as "the Harry Cohn of today" (but much nicer, Carter says) and peers say only Les Moonves has as much power over a network.