Every time Lindsay Lohan drinks, it costs $10,000. English muffins can trigger false positives on alcohol monitors. Probation is the most complicated thing in the world. These are the things I've learned from the daily travails of the Lohans.

Poor old Kelly Bensimon. The newest and worst Real Housewife of New York hasn't had much luck with fame. First she was arrested for twink assault, and now her modeling contract's been dropped by Saks.

Time's Mark Halperin, the most singularly irritating and negatively influential "reporter" in politics today, got a "mid- to high- six-fugre sum" to write a book about the ongoing presidential campaign with New York's John Heilemann. Hey, Mark already wrote a book about the 2008 campaign! It was called The Way To Win and it was about how "The Way To Win" was to emulate Karl Rove and suck Matt Drudge's cock. That book was sooo prescient and successful—remember how well that strategy worked for Hillary Clinton? Hell, remember how well that strategy worked for Mark's book sales? [NYP]

Time was, whenever we saw a story about a missing white woman on the news we'd think to ourselves, "Good, we hope they find that bitch in a ravine somewhere." But thanks to the tutelage of Rachel Sklar, we've come to realize that white women, especially attractive missing ones, are people too. Gawker regrets the error. [HuffPo]