If you expect the results of that headline to be anything but spectacular, stop reading, click past the jump now. Anna Paquin's doggy ring, Khloe Kardashian, Neve Campbell, Snoop Dogg, BBC sitcoms. Presenting your ridiculous Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Mischa Barton went to see "Tosca" at the Metropolitan Opera the other night. Naturally, when she showed up and saw a red carpet, she started walking it... until she realized it was for the screening of Michael Moore's new documentary at Alice Tully Hall. It was then that the light bulb went on and she ran across the street. Pull it together, woman! [P6]
• Jessica Simpson can't catch a break. Tony Romo ditched her; her dog got snatched by a coyote; her friends keep dishing to the media; and now her ex, Nick Lachey, appears to be reuniting with his ex, Vanessa Minnillo. Poor Jess. [E!]
• Tyra Banks appeared on Larry King Live last night and talked about how she dealt with packing on some lbs (again), her real hair (again), and how she loves being naked (unless the lighting in the dressing room sucks). [CNN, ET]

• Friends worry Jessica Simpson is "at the lowest point of her life" now that she's lost her beloved dog, Daisy. Others say she's coping "better than her friends may realize." Either way, we she's probably feeling much better now that her friends are sharing her innermost feelings with the tabloids. [People]
• The man suspected of breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house wasn't a complete stranger: The two reportedly hung out on the set of her film Labor Pains last year. The girl's not the best judge of character, as you've probably realized by now. [TMZ]
• The drugs that were prescribed to Anna Nicole Smith amounted to "pharmaceutical suicide," according to newly unsealed court documents that were obtained by the LA Times. Most disturbing: The documents also reveal that both of Anna Nicole's doctors "transgressed professional boundaries by having sexual contact with their famous patient." [LAT]
• Michelle Obama gave Barack the silent treatment at points during his campaign for president because she was pissed about all the women throwing themselves at him, according to a new book. There was even a hot young campaign aide who was mysteriously "relocated" after developing a close relationship with the President. [NYDN, P6]
• Did you catch President Obama's appearance on Letterman last night? [MTV]

Will Jessica Simpson survive her dog's death? Did Anna Wintour survive sitting next to Pixie Geldof? Did Lindsay know her burglar? Did Anna Nicole's doctors know pills would kill her? Get some answers in your Tuesday morning gossip roundup!

Hunting down celebrities and taking their pictures—work carried out by thousands of paparazzi photographers every day—hasn't changed much over the past few years. The cameras are better and the lenses are longer. But the job still necessitates someone patiently waiting for hours outside the Bowery Hotel so that when Lindsay Lohan finally emerges, a thousand photos can be snapped of her in the six seconds it takes the actress to get from the door of the hotel to her waiting car. But technology could change the celebrity-industrial complex forever if Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich has anything to do with it:

• Does Lindsay Lohan have a beef with Taylor Momsen? At the G-Star show on Tuesday night, LiLo (with sister Ali in tow) refused to pose for pics and then started casting aside seating cards for celebs like Juliette Lewis, Christian Siriano, and Gossip Girl emo teen Taylor Momsen. When event staff intervened, Lindsay got all aggro and dropped an F-bomb, naturally. But give the girl a break. She was apparently just trying to position herself near her crush, True Blood’s Ryan Kwanten. [P6, NYDN]
• At the G-Star after-party at the Bowery Hotel later that night, Mischa Barton was a little unsteady on her feet and was slurring her words. She then hit the DJ booth, where she "danced in her own world" for an hour. [P6]
• While other celebs were at Fashion Week, Chris Brown rocked a neon orange vest over, quite appropriately, a wife-beater, back home in Richmond, Virginia. He started his year-long community service for assaulting Rihanna by picking up trash and cleaning police horse stables. Next up, graffiti removal and washing cars! [Us, NYDN]

Lindsay Lohan tried to pull rank on Taylor Momsen — and failed. Megan Fox successfully summed herself up. And Princess Margaret burned Princess Diana. Oh, yeah! It's your Thursday morning Gossip Roundup!

• Just as Jude Law is getting ready to play Hamlet on Broadway next month, his most recent baby mama, model Samantha Burke, has her lawyers offering up an exclusive interview and pics of their soon-to-be-born love child. Ah, there's nothing like milking a little publicity. [P6]
• Madonna bailed on Marc Jacobs' after-party at Hiro on Monday eve despite attending his show. Not to worry: Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, and Rachel Zoe were all there, so there were plenty of people to stir up trouble. [NYDN]
• It looks like LiLo has made her 15-year-old sister, Ali, her new partner-in-crime when she goes out to party at night. We have a feeling this isn't going to end well. [MSNBC]
• Michelle Williams opens up about Heath Ledger's death in Vogue's October issue: "After the first year, the pain is less intense; it's less immediate... But every time I really miss him and wonder where he's gone, I just look at [Matilda]," she tells the magazine. [Vogue]

Jessica Simpson hopes a coyote returns her dog. Bill hoped that Hillary would be Al's vice-president. And Jude Law's baby-mama hopes to make a buck. Good morning, and welcome to your Wednesday morning Gossip Roundup!

I went to Fashion's Night Out at Bergdorf's last night to see you bartend, but you were gone. Always wanted to thank you for that magical moment we shared at the Beatrice Inn. So I thought I'd do it here!

Gwen Stefani getting out of an SUV in the meatpacking district ... John Mayer walking in SoHo ... Adam Levine and girlfriend Angela Bellotte going through security at JFK ... Steven Spielberg walking with wife Kate Capshaw in SoHo ... Lindsay Lohan leaving the Bowery Hotel, and later changing her shirt on the street in SoHo ... Ed Burns hanging out in SoHo ... Ashton Kutcher arriving at his hotel ... Venus Williams walking with her mom in front of Bloomingdale's ... Colin Powell leaving his hotel ... Smokey Robinson walking by himself ... Rachel Zoe getting out of a car in front of her hotel ... Shia LaBeouf standing with Frank Langella and Oliver Stone on the set of Wall Street 2 in Central Park ... and Rihanna sitting in an SUV in front of Soho House.

Sashy Brock Richmond, the Brooklynite who hawked her MySpace address while leaving a message on LiLo's voicemail, called on the advice of her brother, Mark "Hollywood" Hatten. Who's he? Oh, just Anna Nicole Smith's convicted stalker. What a family!

Click to viewIt's full of crazy fans, horrible opportunists, and her slimy father, which is a combination of both. Yes, a glimpse into Lindsay's voicemail inbox may just be the Rosetta Stone to decipher why she is such a horrible mess.

Olivia Palermo walking in SoHo ... Eliot Spitzer passing by the set of Sex and the City in Midtown ... Lindsay Lohan getting out of an SUV in front of the Bowery Hotel ... Jennifer Connelly arriving at JFK with her kids ... Lourdes Leon walking with her dad Carlos in SoHo ... Kate Hudson carrying an empty Tupperware container in Midtown ... Shia LaBeouf astanding on the set of Wall Street 2 downtown ... Rihanna leaving her hotel ... Sarah Jessica Parker filming scenes from Sex & The City 2 in front of the Plaza, and walking son James to school in the Village ... Victoria Beckham arriving at JFK ... Tony Bennett walking with his wife ... Dr. Phil posing for photos outside his hotel ... and Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale heading to dinner at the Standard Grill.

[Lindsay Lohan pitches a fit while shopping in SoHo yesterday with mom Dina. Image via X17]

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban holding hands outside their apartment building ... Lindsay Lohan arriving at JFK, checking in to her hotel, and later shopping with her mom Dina in SoHo ... Martha Stewart talking on her phone outside Bergdorf Goodman ... AnnaLynne McCord getting out of an SUV in front of MTV Studios in Times Square ... Alex Rodriguez leaving a restaurant with friends ... Regis Philbin crossing the street on the Upper West Side ... Taylor Momsen leaving a hotel with a friend ... Gavin Rossdale watching Roger Federer play at the US Open ... Chris Robinson walking with girlfriend Allison Bridges in SoHo ... Taraji P. Henson getting in an SUV outside her hotel in Midtown ... Chris Noth standing on the Sex and the City set in the West Village ... and Miranda Kerr leaving her hotel downtown.

Lindsay Lohan's vagina makes a surprisingly discreet reappearance, Michael Jackson's good for real estate, Perez Hilton lied to Tyra and Lady Gaga talks blow.

Lindsay Lohan's been chillin' on the DL lately, when she's not beefing with bodegas or working on Robert Rodriguez's new film. So what's she up to with all that extra time? Envying the vampire capitalism she's not a part of.

• Speculation over the cause of DJ AM's death last Friday continues. People's sources tell the magazine Goldstein had eight undigested OxyContin pills in his stomach (and a ninth in his mouth) when he died, pretty clear evidence it was a suicide. TMZ reported a few days ago that the overdose was accidental, and it's sticking by its version of events. [People, TMZ]
• In the meantime, Goldstein's ex-girlfriend, model Hayley Wood, is denying rumors that he took his life because he was distraught over their breakup. [Us]
• Lindsay Lohan may now be leaving behind her LA home. But she may be leaving behind an unpaid $50,000 rent bill, too. [Radar]
• Kate Hudson is a little "clingy" when it comes to A-Rod, apparently. [MSNBC]

"More than one out of five people around you right now is wearing dirty underwear, one in three didn't shower today and most are professed nose-pickers." At least that's what a poll of AOL users uncovered, according to the Daily News, which generously advanced the story by reaching out to a microbiologist at NYU to weigh in on the potential dangers of nose-picking. And it turns out you're in the clear! "It's okay as long as you wash your hands," he reports. [NYDN]