On Tuesday, Dancing with the Stars announced the troupe of celebrities who would cha-cha into our living rooms and, perhaps, our hearts over the course of its sixteenth season. Despite the best efforts of Gawker.com and Dina Lohan, Dina Lohan was not on the list.

Could this be the revenge of spurned Cedric the houseboy?

Bravo announced today that it's giving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Lisa Vanderpump her own reality show, and, somewhere in LA, Kyle Richards' face flashed dark with hag-like rage before she recovered and said "Ohmygod, I'm so happy for you, you look amazing!"

If the Republican debates are the second greatest televised spectacle about matters that are only slightly abutting reality, then the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion specials are the first. Here is a ranking of how each woman fared in last night's fiasco.

Last night when fortifying myself for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, I realized it had a lot in common with that other great reality show of this year: the Republican Debates. Yes, there will be a million of them, everyone in attendance is ridiculous, nothing will get decided, and there will be a lot of yelling across the room.

As the mist clears on the glen, the great city of Brigadoon Hills once again disappears beyond the horizon to disappear for yet another interval. But before that can happen it left us with a wedding, the gift of true love, a wake, and the tearless grieving of a host of widows.

Oooooh snap, girlfriend honeychild, Taylor and Russell broke up. MMMhhhmmm. And now Russell is dead. And we had to watch it. It's just another night here on Paradise Island of the Beverly Hills Housewives, where everything is vacations and parties and too-small bikinis. Yes, no one has a care in the world.

Last night Adrienne Maloof got her Bravo sponsored commercial for her Vegas property, The Palms, and Lisa Van der Pump got sweated on by a male stripper. If only what happened in Vegas stayed there, but it leaked all over our television screens.

Backyards are a wonderful place to have a barbecue or a swing set or a charity fashion show and shoe line premiere party. You know, like any old Thursday afternoon in Beverly Hills. But it wouldn't be a Housewives fashion show without a stupid fight, would it?

Last night was a good old-fashioned Western in the rolling hills of Beverly. There were cowboys and showdowns and horses and homes on the range and even some wenches in fancy corsets. But when high noon came none of the little dogies could get along.

Last night we finally saw something. A glimmer, a spark of life, a bit of fire in the eyes of Miss Camille Grammer. Where did she come from, this fierce and dynamic creature, and where will she go next? We are captivated.

Because she is a complete idiot, Kyle Richards decided to have a seance last night. Doesn't she know that whenever there is a psychic around Real Housewives a black hole opens in the sky and destruction rains down on everyone? The same thing happened last night, but the terror was much more subtle.

Oh, hello there! I didn't see you come in. Yes, I was just standing here in the driveway with my camel. Yup, with my real life camel standing here in the driveway on any old Tuesday. This is just what happens in Beverly Hills on a Tuesday. That and really sad romances.

Lindsay Lohan propositions Chris Brown. Kim Kardashian "wants babies." Timberlake romances Jessica Biel again. Lauren Bush's wedding will feature a rodeo and a saloon. Tuesday gossip gets back on the horse.

The ladies played nice for the most part tonight, and it looks like the major drama is next week. Adrienne and Lisa were the voices of reason, but the Q&A period that kicked the reunion off was interestingly revealing.

Lisa's permanent house guest Cedric is usually just as entertaining as the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but tonight we saw another side. Cedric isn't just Lisa's hot live-in help, he shared emotional details about his mysterious past.

Last night the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills made their grand television debut. While the ladies were fabulous, the clear stand-out was Lisa VanderPump's dog Jiggy. Inside, a video tribute to the adorable pup's screentime on the show's premiere.

Know what today is? Lori Petty's birthday, yes. But also: it's premiere day for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the next meat-show to come out of the Bravo dream factory. Just who are these Housewives? Let's find out!

I am of two minds on the upcoming iteration of Bravo's moneymaker. We don't really need more housewives—but Beverly Hills is so perfect for this franchise, and Kelsey Grammer's Playboy trophy wife has been waiting so patiently.