There are lots of wonderful things about spending a week in my hometown, Brattleboro, Vt. Here we have a stocked kitchen, two dogs, a fireplace, and the maple syrup flows from the sink faucets. And as of this morning, there is lots of snow. So much snow that the local newspaper, the Brattleboro Reformer—which is wonderful but like any local newspaper has a history of making unfortunate typos—led with it on page one.

Here's a bit of context to help you navigate the latest installment of "local news interviewees say the darndest things": 1. This lady is from Portland; 2. She knows the Vacuum Cleaner Man; 3. He's seen her tits.

Robert Kovacik, a reporter for NBC Los Angeles, managed to stay calm during a live news segment on Thursday night in which he shared camera time with a cockroach that probably just wanted to be on TV. To his credit, Kovacik did not let the attention-whore bug ruin the shot. As any good top model would know, the best thing to do in this situation is kiss the roach, but if that's not an option, staring straight ahead works just fine too.

Luckily the local news was there to interview the drunk guy (and the squirrel). According to police reports, the squirrel was "eating him." According to Drunk Guy's girlfriend, the squirrel wasn't "eating him; he was just crawling around in his shirt." According to Drunk Guy himself, the squirrel was "just tired" and "resting" in Drunk Guy's shirt. Now that that's cleared up, the reporter informs us that Drunk Guy was indeed drunk and has renamed the squirrel DUI (pronounced: doo-ee).

It's the kind of story local news lives for — a black bear breaks into a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and makes off with several mouthfuls of merchandise.

Is school too easy for kids? A tipster sends us this photograph of South Bend, Indiana's WNDU-TV answering that very question last night. Here's the original:

Canadian folk hero Ryan Gosling returned home to his ancestral land Wednesday to attend the graduation of his mother, Donna, from Brock University. He brought Eva Mendes. Canada freaked out.

Americans were rocked this week by report after report of their countrymen eating one another. Now, salvation has come, in the form of a moldy Jesus who wants to watch you shower.

A school teacher in Washburn, Missouri, is under fire today for allegedly refusing to let a kindergartner go to the restroom, and then forcing her to remain seated in class even after she defecated herself.

Philadelphia meteorologist John Bolaris—a bar-trawling man-about-town who has been described as a "media self-promoter," "weatherhunk," "publicity hound," and "poonhound"—has lost his job in the wake of a "real-life The Hangover," with a side of Anchorman bluster.

KTLA weatherman Henry DiCarlo had a bit of a temper tantrum on the air today. He was just trying to conduct a Toys for Tots interview on location at L.A.'s Union Station when someone put up the weather report graphic, and there was an empty space for where Henry was supposed to go, but he was just trying to get children some toys and do something nice for the holidays and he's only one person and will everyone just get off his back for once! *Sooooooob*

Illinois weather reporter Drew Gardner was delivering a live report about storm-toppled trees when a tree surgeon trips and nearly slices his face off. As the jauntily coiffed Gardner explains on his YouTube page,

Good Day Dallas anchor Tim Ryan hates Kim Kardashian. When her name came up in the show's vaguely rude celebrity birthday segment—in which the anchors guess wildly about celebrities ages on their birthdays, then marvel at how old various vamped-up starlets look—he refers to Kim as "she whose name will not be mentioned."

A pair of Coloradans have been charged with abusing a corpse, identity theft, and criminal impersonation for loading their dead friend's body into the backseat of their car, then using his ATM card to finance a night of bar- and strip-club-hopping. The cause of death has not yet been determined.

A Phoenix man became trapped inside his SUV on Thursday after he lost control of the vehicle, causing it to roll over and strike a utility pole. In the process, the driver rear-ended another vehicle driven by a man named George Lindell, who later described the events to local Fox affiliate KSAZ-TV in this amazing interview that you must watch immediately. After all, "Reality hits you hard, bro." [MyFoxPhoenix; Thanks to Mike Byhoff for the tip]

Below is a video of WTTG's Tucker Barnes casually giving a live report on Hurricane Irene today from Ocean City, Maryland while drenched in what he described as "organic matter" that "doesn't taste great." I wonder why it didn't taste great?

Thanks to his quest to become the new Old Spice guy, Fabio has spent the past several days at America's pop culture forefront. And while all of the Old Spice talk is getting... well, old, a recent weather forecast he did for Portland, Oregon's CBS affiliate is strangely entertaining. Watch Fabio undress you with his eyes in the video above. [KOIN]

Last Sunday, Sandy McMillin visited a Wal-Mart in Eugene, Oregon with her sister to buy chips, sour cream and coffee creamer. But since it was 90 degrees outside that day, McMillin traded her normal ensemble for a turquoise string bikini top and some red athletic shorts.

Yesterday, News 12 Long Island reporter Christine Insinga visited the home of a woman accused of locking her 13-month-old daughter in the backseat of a sweltering Mercedes. But instead of a simple "no comment" from the woman who answered the door, Insinga was instead treated to a face full of flying water. Which is funny, because that's exactly what the little girl could have used when she was locked inside a car in 100 degree heat. [via TVSpy]

Thirteen-year-old Carter Pope woke up in his home near San Antonio, Texas last Sunday to the sight of a hairless, grey creature moving slowly across his backyard. "That's a chupacabra," thought Carter before grabbing a rifle and firing three deadly shots at the animal. So did Carter really kill a chupacabra, the elusive beast of lore, or was it simply a really ugly bear/coyote/raccoon? Watch this video and decide for yourself. [WOAI]