Five former aides to Bernie Madoff have been convicted of participating in his $17.5 billion Ponzi scheme. In their defense, he was a great boss.

Bernie Madoff, apparently in possession of an organ resembling a heart, suffered a cardiac arrest last month. And, according to reports, he also has serious kidney problems.

JPMorgan Chase, the massive and uncontrollable bank-monster which just paid a $13 billion fine and is run by a CEO who is doing a great job, now reportedly finds itself mired in yet another massive legal scandal. They're consistent, let's give them that.

Court documents filed Thursday in the prosecution of former Bernie Madoff secretary Annette Bongiorno describe a love-triangle between Bernie Madoff and at least one of his employees.

Convicted Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff has a lot of time to kill in jail. So what does he do? Well, for one thing, give jailhouse interviews—such as this most recent one to the Financial Times—where he can rail about the banks he believes (more or less accurately, in our estimation) were complicit in his scheme. But also: Keep up with his mail (of which he gets "lots," all from "well-wishers"); work at the prison commissary ("10 a.m. to 7 p.m., four days a week"); and, apparently, work on "ethics courses," for which he's been solicited by "several business schools," including Harvard and Northwestern. Oh, and also, read:

The New York Times interviewed a "noticeably" thinner Bernie Madoff in prison and, wouldn't you know it, he said that "unidentified banks and hedge funds were somehow 'complicit' in his elaborate fraud," and also this:

The Post once again has spoken to a "recent inmate" at the prison where Bernie Madoff is serving life, this time with Bernie's reaction to his son's suicide, and that he's pissed off at Ruth for not visiting him.

The New Depression rolls on and those overpaid AIG failures are this week's target for populist wrath. But do you hate them more than last week's villains? Embrace your hate and vote in our poll.

Ruth Madoff is retreating to a $9.4 million beachside redoubt in Florida that the feds will be powerless to seize from her, where she will relax, sun herself, and cackle at her husband's stupid victims.

Robert Jaffe, a VP at Cohmad Securities who hooked up Palm Beach socialites to Bernie Madoff's awesome investment scheme, was a fashionable gentleman—"at one time named [high-end clothier] Louis Boston’s best customer," reports WWD. Now?

Liliane Bettencourt, who London's Times describes as "the world’s wealthiest woman and heiress to the L'Oreal empire," is another victim of Madoff. Amazingly, this is probably the least of her current problems.