• Remember all that talk about how a noble Guy Ritchie was walking away from his marriage to Madonna without asking for a penny? Madonna would like everyone to stop feeling sorry for him and note that he's actually getting somewhere between $75 and $92 million (depending on the value of several real estate properties), making it "one of the largest payouts ever," according to Madge's publicist, Liz Rosenberg. [NYP, Mirror]
• Imprisoned con man (and Anne Hathaway ex) Raffaello Follieri has agreed to pay back $3.6 million to the people he scammed, although it's doubtful it will ever happen since Follieri's lawyers say he's "virtually broke." [NYP, AP]
• Newlyweds Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo are honeymooning at Tommy's home in Mustique and are planning a big reception in New York sometime after New Year's, just so you know. [Cindy Adams]

Finally, Guy Ritchie is going to get financial compensation for marrying/sexing/ignoring the pile of macrobiotic sinews that America affectionately calls "Madonna." And, according to the Material Girl's rep, the divorce settlement is major:

Have you heard the big crazy news? Guy Ritchie, film director, is getting between $76 and $92 million in divorce settlement monies from his now ex-wife, folk singer Madonna Louise Ciccone. That is so much cheddar that maybe a mouse has died from being so happy while dreaming of it! And the funny thing is, who the F was Guy Ritchie before she came along? Just a dude who made some dude-ish British indie crime caper movies (and is now making Sherlock Holmes wiff Robert Downey Jr) and well, hell, he could retire now forever and never have to pretend he has a viable career ever again. Just like:

[Madonna! In South America! On a balcony! With her children! Most! Exciting! Picture! Ever!; via INF]

• Sean Avery may be spending a lot more time in New York in the near future: Hockey's preeminent bad boy has been cut loose by the Dallas Stars just 23 games into a four-year contract. [NYP]
• Jennifer Aniston was supposedly so desperate to have a boyfriend during the promotional tour for Marley & Me that her camp started "shopping for potential dates." [P6]
• David Paterson was not at all pleased with the impression of him on SNL this weekend. [NYP]
• Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber had a second son on Saturday. [People, E!]

• Donny Deutsch has been caught fooling around with a married woman. Or at least that's what hedge fund manager Andrew Sandler claims, who hired a private detective to follow his wife Lisa around and eventually scored pics of the two of them making out. [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston appears naked on the cover of the new GQ, and in the accompanying article she says her relationship with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is like an "insane Bermuda Triangle." Meanwhile, Brad admits to the new Rolling Stone that he fell in love with Angie while he was still married to Jen. [NYP, Daily Mail]
• Rachel Zoe's rep says the only reason she's been looking so thin lately is because she "just got over the stomach flu." Right. [OK!]

♦ Either Mariah Carey is pregnant or she's determined to do whatever it takes to stay in the spotlight. The diva was spotted looking "ebullient" on her way out of an OB/GYN's office in LA, where she was greeted by a cheering entourage and seen clutching "what looked like a sonogram." [P6, Mirror]
♦ Kate Moss skipped champagne and wore a loose dress to a Vogue event in China, which means she must be pregnant, too. [The Sun]
♦ In an upcoming issue of O, Oprah says she's "fallen off the wagon" and now weighs 200 lbs. But she blames it on her "out-of-balance thyroid," which gave her "a fear of working out." [AP]
♦ Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich watching soccer at Nevada Smith's in the East Village with girlfriend Dasha Zhukova? We can hardly believe it. [P6]
♦ Steve Schwarzman insisting on remaining centerstage at yesterday's Vanity Fair photo shoot? That sounds likely. [P6]

Madonna's estranged brother Christopher Ciccone must be smirking at the news coming out of a British court: The singer claims an interior designer she hired to work on her Beverly Hills mansion surreptitiously photographed pictures of her wedding to Guy Ritchie, then sold them to the Mail On Sunday, which published them in October. Madonna wants $7.4 million in copyright damages from the paper and has identified the designer as Robert Joseph Wilber, heretofore unknown to the public. Of course she could have avoided this whole mess if she hadn't screwed over and disowned her interior designer brother, who worked on that very mansion.

When we overdose on celebrities and overindulge in gadgets, where's the vomitorium to hurl it up? Why, it's eBay, on whose shores the flotsam of every shipwrecked trend lands. Here's what was formerly hot in 2008:

♦ Mary-Kate Olsen was "acting very oddly" during her stay in Miami for Art Basel. After getting into a fight with Kirsten Dunst at a party at the Delano on Wednesday night, MK—who "looked like she had not brushed her hair in a week"—spent the weekend drinking, chain-smoking, and hanging out with boyfriend Nate Lowman, which means she's probably not pregnant. [P6, P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan went to a party for Milk without Samantha Ronson last week, where she was spotted nuzzling with Sean Penn. [Fox 411]
♦ Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is reportedly threatening to write a tell-all book about Winehouse unless she gives him $1.7 million in the divorce settlement. [NYP]

[That's Madonna eating food in Buenos Aires; image via Splash]

Why does Diane von Furstenberg totally adore Madonna? "Because she isn't just about building buzz, she's about building relationships." [DVF.com]

• First Britney Spears' guests whispered behind her back about how she looked "vacant" and "out of it" at her big birthday party. Then the singer's ex Kevin Federline told People that Spears' craziness had him "concerned with my children," whose well-being he felt compelled to fight for via custody battle when Spears "went behind my back" and filed for divorce, leaving him "completely blindsided." Finally, her first husband was thrown in jail.

♦ It's not just creditors going after Donald Trump these days: An employee of Trump's golf course in LA says in a lawsuit that the club prohibited her from taking lunch and bathroom breaks. She's only asking for $15,000, though, so obviously she didn't learn much during her stint working for the real estate mogul. [TMZ]
♦ A lawyer for Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos says there's "not a shred of truth" to the rumors the couple is splitting up. [OK!]
♦ Britney Spears' birthday party didn't exactly go as planned. None of her close friends showed up and onlookers say she spent the whole time looking "vacant" and "empty." [R&M, P6]
♦ NBC is furious that news of David Gregory's Meet the Press promotion leaked earlier this week. The likely culprit? NBC political director Chuck Todd. [P6]

[Film director Guy Ritchie, former husband of Madonna, in foggy London towne yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

It's hard to imagine a tougher real estate client than Alex Rodriguez and Madonna. But some poor broker is now helping the duo hunt for a "love nest" on the Upper East Side, at least according to today's Post. Naturally, not just any apartment will do. The couple is looking to spend between $30 and $60 million on a townhouse between Park and Fifth Avenues (between East 60th Street and the 80s) and, ideally, they'd like a place with a garage so they can drive right in without having to push their way past a gaggle of photographers. Sadly, there aren't very many townhouses with garages on the market at the moment. But if A-Rod and Madge can concede on that one point, we rounded up their five best options, which you can review for yourself below.

♦ Madonna and A-Rod are reportedly shopping for "love nests" on the Upper East Side. They're looking for something between Fifth and Park, from 60th Street through the 80s, in case you have any suggestions. Oh, and they're looking for retreats in Hamptons, too. [P6]
♦ The blame game begins: Ivana's friends say her split with Rossano Rubicondi was his fault because he's been dating a model. Rossano, meanwhile, says Ivana is to blame because she's been dating a model. [R&M]
♦ Robert and Blaine Trump are scheduled to make their first appearance in Manhattan Supreme Court this morning as the couple looks to end their 25-year marriage. Prepare for things to get "exceptionally ugly." [NYP]
♦ Uma Thurman's parents unknowingly hired one of the bookers from Ashley Dupre's escort agency to run their upstate yoga center. [NYP]

Madonna and Alex Rodriguez want us to know they're lovers without having to quite come out and say it. The pop singer famously denied sleeping with A-Rod during the Yankees slugger's messy divorce, in which his wife accused him of infidelity. But a paparazzo somehow got a shot of the couple coming off a private jet in Miami, where Rodriguez was to spend Thanksgiving with his ex-wife and children; Rodriguez allowed himself to be photographed at a Madonna concert there (left picture above); and reporters discovered both celebrities traveled to Mexico City the following weekend. In case we didn't get the message about what's going on between the pair, they let their money do the talking, in the Post:

♦ Is Naomi Campbell planning a secret wedding with her Russian boyfriend Vladimir Doronin later this month? Her reps say no, although the new emerald and diamond ring she sported in Miami this past weekend seems to suggest otherwise. [Mirror, NYDN, DS]
♦ Alex Rodriguez had a busy Thanksgiving. He spent half of Thursday with his ex-wife and kids and the other half with Madonna before jetting off to Mexico City with Madge. [NYDN, NYP]
♦ Amy Winehouse's estranged husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, says he was responsible for turning his wife into a junkie, and that he has to "let her go to save her life." [NYDN, People]
♦ Giants star Plaxico Burress, who shot himself in the leg while partying at Latin Quarter on Friday night, turned himself in this morning. [NYP, Newsday]

• Christopher Buckley is writing a tell-all book about his parents William F. and Pat Buckley. "This book is going to land hard in some quarters," he said. Not unlike endorsing Barack Obama. [P6]